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I forgot how much fun it is to get dressed up and go out with my friends! We had a great time, didn't talk much about what is going on with H and me, but plenty of great girl talk.

H said he liked my dress, and that I looked pretty. Not that I'm caring much what he thinks, but it's flattering to hear that! Especially when he really hasn't said anything nice to me in a few months, but he does make a point of telling me when I do look nice... he still slept on the couch though (his choice, so whatev - he's been having trouble sleeping so I told him he could sleep in the bed until I came home if he wanted).

Didn't talk to him when I came in, and he didn't wake me up before he went to work, but he called me pretty early this morning to ask how my night went and we talked for about half an hour. He told me that he was glad that I went out with my friends and had a nice night out - he's been trying to get me to GAL for a long time, but I always felt guilt about leaving him and D at home. H noticed I went shopping a bit - I left some Victoria's Secret bags sitting in the bathroom...

We also talked about his getting an apt - he's going to go look at a few tomorrow. There is one pretty close by that has a new gym and pool and lots of amenities. He talked about getting a year lease if it's cheaper monthly, depending on what the cancellation penalty is - he's talking more about this being temporary. I said we'll just ride this out and see where we end up... very nonchalant ;-) Asked if I could go swim in his pool...

Things I'm noticing about myself over the past week...

-I'm getting very good at changing my instinctive responses - I ask myself "What would I have done four weeks ago?" and do the opposite.
-I ask myself before doing anything for myself - "Will this negatively affect D?" and honestly, it never does, so I just do it. I bought myself some new clothes. I bought myself stuff for my hair, I do my makeup every day... I get bonus points if I do something that H might not have liked (something stupid - he doesn't like big earrings on me but last night I wore some gold hoops).
-I feel like I'm smiling and laughing more. I enjoy my time with D more and don't worry so much about keeping the house spotless. I feel like the more I break the stereotypes that H has about me, the more I am finding out who I really am...
-My friends love the "empowered" me They think this is all great. Not so much the stuff with H, they think he's a douche, but they think it's great that I'm finally doing things for myself.
-I definitely feel like I'm doing it more for me than for H. The "new" me would not have put up with the way he's treated me for the past two months, and when we eventually get to counseling, he will know that. But maybe he'll like that.

This is my first posting, but I've been following yours for a bit. My H had an affair beginning in Mar 07 and I discovered it Oct of the same year. We went to a C but she was a little weird. He began corresponding with the OW again in 08, but stopped within a few months. In April I found an email that he sent that basically said he missed her. When I confronted him, he left for 2 weeks. I didn't handle it well. I called non-stop and was pretty much a mess when we talked. He came back because he had no where else to go. I called a DB coach and I;m began DBing. I stopped initiating all R talk and began focusing on more positive parts of our marriage. I felt great. We were relaxed and comfortable again. we began having fun together again. Then when I got home on Friday, all of his stuff was gone. I'm in shock. I thought things were going well, but he said he didn't know if he could ever feel the kind of love he once did for me. I have called and cried and begged for him to come home. I know that that is the worst way to handle it, but I've been out of my mind. Is there anything left to save at this point?

Hi! And HUGS!

That's definitely a tough situation. I know that I will be a mess when my H eventually moves out - I just have to not let him see it at all...

You might want to post a new thread with your background - how long you've been together, how many kids you have if any, etc. since every situation is different - I think if H and I didn't have kids or own a home together or have nine years together, I'd say "see ya!" But all of the above has contributed to the situation that I'm finding myself in anyway. And I think if I found that my H was having an affair, things would be completely different for me... So, deciding whether it's worth trying to save is the first part and completely up to you, but unfortunately you're the one who really has to commit do doing everything to save it...

I know I find that the more I commit to making myself a happier person, not just with the goal of saving my marriage in mind, the better I feel. I know it will take H a while not to feel like the other hormotional shoe is about to drop because that's how I've been for months and months...

Thanks for your advice about the new thread. And you're right that I will have to be the one to work on saving it. I'm just such a mess right now, so I can't seem to come up with a plan.

The first day after H told me he wanted to separate (a week ago today), I had trouble really coming up with a plan. I figured we were going to be in limbo until we (he) decided one way or the other. I was scared. I talked to him about everything that was on MY mind all day, and he listened... But I vented to some friends over email and he found it the next day and got mad at me

Anyways, starting that afternoon I put my own plan into action. Everything I was doing in regards to how I reacted to and treated H, I stopped.
-No more checking his phone records or bank account
-No more calling him throughout the day, unless he called me first
-No more forcing physical affection
-No more forcing conversation about our relationship
-No hysterics - I cried a little on Monday, but I haven't cried since then.

I just started putting that energy back into me.
-Buying myself cute clothes to wear when I go out with my friends. Even cute underwear even though nobody's going to see it
-Getting my hair cut and colored
-Doing my nails
-Making plans with my friends
-Filling up my calendar, keeping busy in general
-Having fun with my DD instead of focusing so much on getting everything clean and keeping up around the house.

Putting energy into you is GREAT!!!

HUGS

Yikes! I actually got to have some real practice at changing the way I react just over my lunch hour...

H is out looking at apartments with DD - hopefully finding out how terribly expensive it's going to be to live on his own...

I noticed when I looked at the caller ID for our house phone that a former coworker of his had called... former coworker is friend of the XGF of the male friend he's hanging out with all the time.

Immediately, my mind thinks that H must be having an affair with XGF, not hanging out with his friend, and her friend is calling to say something about it? (I've accused him of having an affair with the XGF because the number he calls used to be hers - apparently she and his friend switched phones)

I did call H to see how his search was going, and it was not too fruitful as of yet - and I didn't bring up the phone call.

I asked myself - what would I gain by doing this?

In all honesty, she probably heard through the grapevine - since H's friend and XGF see each other every day to switch off with the kid, XGF knows that we talked about separating last week. She probably said something to her friend about it, and friend was probably calling to ask him WTH he was doing, because I am the sweetest, nicest person in the world, and pregnant too...

Also, I think XGF would definitely not be the type to go after a pregnant woman's husband...

So, sanity prevails in my mind... for once

Nice job changing your behavior! How does it feel to 180 your reactions to things?

Thank you! It feels so good! It's always so satisfying at the moment to get into that argument, but ultimately it accomplishes nothing but bad feelings, and my husband thinking I'm nuts! I was really tense for a while after seeing the number on the CID, but in the past hour I've been able to completely rationalize why it would be there, and I know my H isn't out there even more driven to finding his own place today.

What do I have to lose by having the argument? All of the progress I've made on myself in the past week. I'll end up not feeling any better about myself at the end of the day...

I've made another girl-date for the weekend to go out and have some sushi... good thing I have so many single friends

A good question to ask yourself: "Is the thoughts, actions and words I am about to use going to push us farther apart or draw us closer together?"