Been a while since I posted here. Been posting mostly in newcomers.
Update is...no change. W has not brought up R at all. At times, she seems very interested to talk to me. Usually when we are watching TV or a movie with the kids. But also when its just the two of us after the kids have gone to bed. W has seemed a little down (won't call it depression) and sometimes withdrawn.
I have stuck with DB'ing - no backsliding. GAL'ing, exercising, losing wt (prob. 20-25 lbs so far), working on ME, detaching, and, most importantly, spending great time with the kids. Recent focus has been to work on detaching. Not that I am giving up on M, just getting me to a place I will accept D if it happens. And, mot importantly, knowing I will be ok - I know I will.
W went back to work about a month ago, which I think will help her. She has always claimed most of her identity through her job. She has had some challenges with the new job and particularly with her personality (independent, overbearing) clashing with others at work. I can see these qualities in her but don't think she can. She was genuinely surprised to receive criticism about this.
I have been supportive, but not in a pursuing way. Every so often (maybe 2 times a week), I will tell her she looks nice - when she does. I get a polite "thank you."
The wall is definitely still up. She is very careful not to do or say anything that would be any type of sign that she is considering anything but D. As I learn more about WAS, I understand her much better.
Anyone have any suggestions of whether I can improve anything I am doing? Anyone have any comments about when and how you decided to work on your M if you were the WAS (specifically how you let your spouse know this)?
Had a C session yesterday. C said, while no guarantees, the fact W has not filed for D and it has been 2 months is probably a good sign.
Been a while since I posted here. Been posting mostly in newcomers.
Update is...no change. W has not brought up R at all. At times, she seems very interested to talk to me. Usually when we are watching TV or a movie with the kids. But also when its just the two of us after the kids have gone to bed. W has seemed a little down (won't call it depression) and sometimes withdrawn.
I have stuck with DB'ing - no backsliding. GAL'ing, exercising, losing wt (prob. 20-25 lbs so far), working on ME, detaching, and, most importantly, spending great time with the kids. Recent focus has been to work on detaching. Not that I am giving up on M, just getting me to a place I will accept D if it happens. And, mot importantly, knowing I will be ok - I know I will.
W went back to work about a month ago, which I think will help her. She has always claimed most of her identity through her job. She has had some challenges with the new job and particularly with her personality (independent, overbearing) clashing with others at work. I can see these qualities in her but don't think she can. She was genuinely surprised to receive criticism about this.
I have been supportive, but not in a pursuing way. Every so often (maybe 2 times a week), I will tell her she looks nice - when she does. I get a polite "thank you."
The wall is definitely still up. She is very careful not to do or say anything that would be any type of sign that she is considering anything but D. As I learn more about WAS, I understand her much better.
Anyone have any suggestions of whether I can improve anything I am doing? Anyone have any comments about when and how you decided to work on your M if you were the WAS (specifically how you let your spouse know this)?
Had a C session yesterday. C said, while no guarantees, the fact W has not filed for D and it has been 2 months is probably a good sign.
GIMA,
Sounds like you are on the right track. Good stuff. I'm finding that detaching is HUGE if you are going to survive and carry everything on your shoulders. It's still a work in progress with me. Lose the anger and resentment. Keep the focus on you and the kids.
Take note of when she is chatty with you- if there is an OM in the sitch, it may be that she hasn't spoken to him when she wanted to so she is turning to you. Don't miss those opportunities to have good non-R talk- keep it light and friendly. Can't comment much on her depression/withdrawn behavior- my potential WAW has mood swings too, It's hard to say what may be causing those behaviors at any given moment.
You may want to think about those compliments. The WAWs don't like them, it makes them feel guilty and is pursuing. I've finally learned to just knock it off with the compliments with my W. Its hard because she's a beautiful woman and the regular compliments were something I let slide before the EA happened.
The job is good news and I agree that it will help her stay busy and focused on other things. My W is still very underemployed and needs to get off her a$$ and back to work. The more my W fills up her schedule with meaningful things to do every day, the less time she has to think and play with scumbag OM.
For my sitch, I think my sign that I may have a chance to work on our M will be when I first see my W experiencing true withdrawal from ending the EA, then coming out of the fog.
Good Luck!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
