Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH #4

The weekend went well. Sat we visited MIL who has Alzheimer's and lives in a facility - we took her out for a walk and to the store. She was crabby when we arrived which is not her usual way of being but she rallied after getting out some. Only forgot who were a few times. H is having a hard time with this.

Sunday he came on a little strong in expressing his opinions (like before) which would have sent us into an argument and then... instead, one of us would back off and suggest we drop the subject for now and we did it successfully.
When he got home he called me to apologize for some of his statements/opinions as he thought he probably seemed insensitive to my feelings. It really bothered him that he fell back into old thinking patterns so easily - he was insistent that he only wants to show me that he can change - not revert to old ways. Decided he needed to listen to his sponsor and attend more meetings and talk to his therapist about the stuff that comes up.

I thought it was a good idea too. Today he was explaining more about how he is recognizing that his opinions are a bit off now that he has a clearer mind. Made it clear that he was going to work it out with me without any doubts.

My feelings - I tried to avoid engaging in old patterns of arguing when in disagreement. Yesterday and today felt a bit like old times when he would drive me up a wall with his anxieties and opinions - but now he is aware of it and can control it. Feels more normal.

We all have the anxieties and opinions....we just need to learn to deal with them the right way. Your H is learning that. To control himself.

Sounds like a good weekend.

Forgot one big thing that came up today - when we first met my boss at work has a stroke and couldn't come back to work. For years I had been wanting to move into that position when my boss retired. I did the leg work around work to get the support of others for the position. Had everyone's support except one person - yep, my H - he wanted it for me and then not - his drinking was so disruptive so that all the focus and hard work wasn't enough. I made some huge errors and as a result I didn't get that promotion. I even learned later that I didn't get it because of him.
Today H learned that my current boss has turned in his resignation before telling the staff. H said he wanted me to know so I could go for it again and this time with his support since it was his fault that I didn't get it last time. I was surprised that he remembered that. I was more surprised that he wanted to encourage me to do it. I don't intend to apply, but it does explain two things: one, my evaluation recently pointed out all my positive traits and added that I held the respect by all coworkers and was the one everyone turned to for help. the second thing was that his boss who is always b****y was extra nice to me today for a change. Now it all makes sense. (My boss knew that I was competing with him for the job and I think he just set me up for it)
Anyway, I don't think I will go for it, but would consider it if offerred or asked. (don't think that will happen)

Silva, already done and then some if you get my drift. Thanks for the mention or was that too much info?

Another day, a little more tension and then it was gone. Replaced by understanding and learning. We both realize that old patterns of thinking and reacting come up, and then we leave room to see what has changed. It was a feeling that we are in this together.
He isn't getting angry that I am watching and waiting to see if old behavior returns or if there is change and I am being more patient to see what happens instead of assuming.

The thing is you are both moving in a positive direction. Changes won't happen overnight.

Yeah Kass!

Ok, this is me journalling because tonight did not end well. Tension has been increasing since Sun. Sunday we kept backing away from the disagreements - but it did get under both our skins. Both recognized it and we discussed it later that night. Both felt better. Monday it started again but by lunch time all was well. Tuesday it started again but by lunch time all was well. By Tues nite I was concerned about the effect of this up and down stuff. H calls - he didn't go to a meeting MOn nite because he was too tired. Tues nite he went and left halfway through the meeting and then got called on it from his sponsor. I just listened and did not comment. He readily admitted that his sponsor was right and he was going to do what was needed. This a.m. he chaired a meeting for the first time - went well. But he comes to explain that he didn't sleep last night but for three hours. Wanted to get together tonite but wondered about how tired he is and work has been exceptionally stressful and taking its toll on him and our R again.

He came over, all was good at first and then he became increasingly frustrated about old issues, and hurt when I reminded him that he was putting the cart before the horse. (He wanted to make plans to sell my house next year and purchase a new place.) Main frustration for both of us is money - he was trying to figure out how we could do this when I reminded him that we still have one other person to consider. That started his old frustrations rolling and old arguments creeped up. Both of our defenses rose to the occassion - but more orderly and careful in our statements. But he just couldn't help resorting to the old - well I sign up for another year and you can do what you want with that. All or nothing thinking coming through.

I was sorely disappointed that we couldn't enjoy our time together and he left without resolving it - ending things the old way - not killing the R but when two people agree that they don't feel good about a convo or the way things are going don't they try to figure out how to change that situation at the time?

Good things - we disagreed, expressed our different viewpoints without raising voices, without condescending messages, or breaking up. Old frustrations were admitted and categorized by words appropriately. While he decided to leave - he didn't break up altho he did at some point suggest that we wait another year
before living under the same roof. Then he admitted that he was hurt which I think is the real issue - hurt because I reminded him that I still need to see that things can work out consistently with us before planning the future. I think he wanted to assume that things will be ok forever - and I don't think that is realistic.

I am concerned that he doesn't know the difference between Hoping that he remains sober the rest of his life and being over confident in that fact. He now has four months.

I am scared that our issues will not all go away because he is sober like he wants to think. Honestly, when I reminded him that we have had four years together and not had any consistency in our R and lived half of that time apart - his response was to place all the blame on his drinking. I agreed that his drinking was a major problem but I believe we have differences that need to be addressed. He thinks that if sober, all our problems will go away. How realistic is that?

So now that we have relived our old pattern without breaking up - we are both still hurting - and don't know what comes next.

First do what is right for you period. Four months is great BUT it is still a short time he still doesn't know how to deal with feelings but he is learning . I had the same feelings about I'm sober everything should be fine and blamed my W for not realizing this. I hate to say this but it took me about a year to get to a point that I could deal with everything. If I had to guess he's very worried about relapsing and he's scared but he has to deal with that you can't do anything about that. He has a ways to go and I know it's hard for you.

Being an addict is about instant gratification and that's what he wants with your M, it doesn't happen and it's frustrating for him. IF you can hang on I promise it will get better if he keeps working the program.

You cant get your hopes too high with the good times because there will be backslides but he will get better with more time.

One other thing...IF YOU CAN STRESSING IF YOU CAN...tell him how lround you are of him and you understand how had this is for him but if he relapses to tell you. Relapses are common it could be one sip but he needs to tell you and know that he can tell you. What you do is up to you but it is a good possibility it will happen. I'm not telling you this to frustrate or scare you but to prepare you. It may and I pray won't happen but if it does he needs tone able to tell you. I relapsed once and as scared to tell my W but I did. I know it hurt her but I know I had to tell her. Not to judge my W but you seem much more supportive and if he knows he can tell you that could be huge.

I can see the instant gratification stuff which drives me crazy since I have had to deal with a lot in my lifetime. I can see how he wants things to instantly be ok and forget the past happened - I want to do the same but I am trying to stay focused on the fact that it hasn't been that long. H pushes to make decisions and I feel like the horrible parent who punishes him because he was bad. I don't like feeling this way - I am just trying to be smart for both of us. I also feel like the martyred wife when I put the brakes on things and like I am putting a guilt trip on him when I am not!

Your second post came while I was posting this one. I am not sure how I will handle a slip. I have been through this with him before - handled his slips because I know it is part of changing process - but it isn't scarry as much as my being tired of hard in life - I am easier! Any advice to help me deal with a slip given my attitude?

I just want him to be ok and for us to be ok. Time I have plenty of right now. He acts like there is no tommorrow. I guess that I know he is hurting and I wish he wasn't and could allow himself to enjoy what we have instead of looking past us to the future - like he is wishing today away. Did that make sense?

I want to call him and make it better but at the same time I am tempted to walk away so I don't have to deal with this c*** anymore. I think he handled things better than usual but it bothers me that he still is so insensitive to my feelings about certain things.

Volleydog thanks for the encouragement - H keeps repeating that others tell him he will get better in time. I want to hang in there - but I find it hard at times like this.