It is long past time I set my own standards for myself and enforce them. Not just with Dan, with everyone. I can't keep living the life of a people-pleaser who never winds up pleasing anyone, really, least of all myself!!
Oh BBJ....you are singing my song gf!
Live for you, to make you happy. If it makes someone else happy too, then that's a great residual. If not.....too bad. Remember BBJ....this includes the kids, ok? You do what you need to for them but only do the extras that give you joy too. Playing outside with water baloons and squirt guns, taking long walks, going to get ice cream and watching it melt and drip down their arms....it's all fun for everyone, right?
Boundaries is awesome. DO THE WORKBOOK! Don't put it off. It will open your eyes to a lot of behaviors you don't even realize you exhibit.
Onward with project BBJ!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Are you sure he hates his job? I think he says he does, but I think it feeds his ego! Clearly (at least to me) he wants to be "the guy" at work.... otherwise he would have made sure that things were handled such that he didn't get 200 emails in 3 hours. It's not rocket science!
I think that Nathan needing to get away when he expected a blow up is telling, too. "They" always say it's better for the kids if we stay together... things like that have to make you question that, it seems to me. How can than be a good thing?
Jeff,
Yes, because of how it is affecting Nathan, I am working even harder to establish some boundaries. Dan has a love/hate relationship with his job. He has admitted that to our MC last year. He knows he is amazing at his job, which is why he was the youngest regional manager ever when he worked at Cargill. At 28 he was running the entire Wichita division with dozens of people working under him. He knows he is great at it and makes $$$, but he also knows that it consumes him to the point he has little time for the cattle, the kids, the house, etc etc.
I asked him on the flight down if there was some sort of pecking order/chain of command at his work. You know, the bottom rung of 100 report to 25 different supervisors, those 25 report to 5 above them, Dan deals with only those five...something like that. Most workplaces have that. Teachers' aides report to the teachers, the teachers to the principals, principals to the Supt. He said they had a system like that but nobody followed it. I think truth be told he probably has control issues and is afraid to delegate in case someone else screws up...
I don't know why he dropped the glasses by today. He also dropped off a lego set that was for Nathan but packed in his suitcase. That was prob the main reason and my glasses were an afterthought. Who knows? It isn't worth worrying about at this point.
I caught myself being pleased that he went and got a drink for me (tropical rum thing) while we were at the resort pool with the kids. Then I realized, he has bitched and moaned every single day and yet I am encouraged by one drink. That is when I started seeing my sitch with realistic eyes. I have always been the one to find one nice thing to counter-balance all the negative. Whereas he finds one negative to off-set dozens of positives.
Working on detachment as we speak. Which means I need to go mow and not hang out on here!
Wow BBJ, that really is the magic kingdom. You sound poised and ready for "real" detachment.....every thing you said resonates with me. I sense you have turned the corner grasshopper....and when you can snatch the pepple from my hand....
Texted last night to ask if he was going to give me support for June (month is half over!). He replied back that he was, and forgot his checkbook when he came over last night. Then asked me for the pastor's phone number. I sent back the work and cell #...
This noon he texted me asking which lawyer I had talked to. I called him back to give him the guys name and website,asked if he wanted me to make an appointment. He said no. I said, oh, you just needed his name so you don't get the same attorney then? He said no, I just knew you said you talked to someone but never said who, I was just curious.
I think he may have thought that I never really went to see anyone and was blowing smoke. So I told him the guy's name and some tidbits about him, my sister (partner in her law firm in Des Moines) had recommended him b/c he is great, he is a partner in his firm, etc.
Anyway he shied away from any mention of meeting with a lawyer, said he was 'just curious'...
Who knows? Back to organizing the house for me! Not worth worrying about!
I suspect he is dreading a talk with the pastor. So he checks to make sure you really talked to a lawyer - had you not, he would probably see how long he could continue the status quo.
So, he did bring me a check Saturday for my "June". Under memo he just wrote "Monthly"...I don't think either of us knows whether to call it child support or alimony or what since we are still married.
Anything new?
*He did get the pastor's # from me but he did not call before he left on the trip to Canada, gone Sunday (yesterday) until Thursday night.
*He told me this week when he came by that I had the nicest yard in the neighborhood (lawn co. had just come and fertilized and I had just mowed), he is a big "yard" guy so that was nice.
*He called last night at ten to tell me that he had made it to Canada okay. I stopped texting/calling to ask if he made it awhile back, decided it wasn't my job anymore. But he called anyway and told me he made it, no trouble with his flights. I remember now he did that last time and I asked him then if there had been a problem with the flight (b/c I didn't know why he felt the need to call & tell me)...
*I signed up for 6 months of karate lessons. This white belt reports for her first practice tomorrow!
*I walked ten miles at the Relay for Life cancer fundraiser our town had Saturday night. Very rewarding to be there and I had some luminaries dedicated to family members. Beautiful to see the entire way around the track lit with candles but sad to see so many who have battled cancer. Could barely walk when I got up yesterday morning after doing the ten miles!
Not much else at the moment. Heading out to my mom and dad's for dinner. Bringing fruit pizza, yummo!
Almost forgot, Nate went to counselor Sat. morning. Hadn't been in 2 weeks b/c of Orlando trip. Last time we were there she talked to Dan. This time counselor told me that she saw an emotional connection from him to me and vice versa. No surprise there.
Very busy day today. Nothing major, just had to get Sydney's glasses fixed at the eye store, go get an oil change, groceries, stop at city hall and pay my water bill (gotta love small towns!), etc etc.
Then this evening we went to my parents' for dinner. When it was time to leave Nathan talked his grandparents in to letting him spend the night. Sydney wanted to come with me, and she crashed out in the car within 5 minutes, she was so tired!
Got home to a msg. from Dan. Said, "Hello, Nathan, Sydney, Bobbi..." then went into a recap of his evening, flying from Halifax, Nova Scotia to Toronto. I didn't honestly know where Halifax was so I googled it. It is like the very edge of North America! Anyway he said ILY two or three times,missed us, would be home in a couple days (Thursday). I will save the message to play for the kids tomorrow since they didn't hear it tonight.
Tomorrow is my first day of karate practice! It is TaeKwonDo, specifically. Nathan thinks it is a hoot that I will be a white belt and he is a cammo belt. I said it will be a bigger hoot when I surpass him b/c he won't graduate to a new belt if he never practices....
Anyway he said ILY two or three times,missed us, would be home in a couple days (Thursday). I will save the message to play for the kids tomorrow since they didn't hear it tonight.