Hopeful: I'm just saying that sometimes doing the opposite of instinct will get you some interesting results, when you say you did everything wrong that was pure instinct, you did what your heart told you to. I also did many of the same things as you:
I begged, I pleaded, I cried ALOT, I cried just to get her to comfort me, I cried & begged her to hug me & "just fake it" to calm me down, I got pissed off & told her she was weak for holding all of her feelings in until she destroyed our family.
Last night I fell down in a major way, I came home in a crappy mood, I should have just drove for another half hour to try to shake it, but oh no I had to share the misery. After an hour and a half long R talk instigated by me I had finally had enough and told her that she could go and take the kids with her back to her home town,(something that's 100% against everything I believe in and have been saying) I told her that if she honestly felt that there was no chance of any reconcilliation ever in the future that I could not stand the pain of looking into the kids eyes day after day and seeing her. I told her that I would sign over all parental rights and she could take the kids and do whatever she desired. She sat in complete silence with only the odd "you're not serious" and "you're just angry".I persisted with this insanity, even packing a bag...WHAT AN IDIOT.
Long story short I did not leave. I love my kids, I love my W. I was angry.
_________________________ Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy
I totally understand. Have you done damage control yet? After my temper tantrum, which I failed to mention resulted in my forcing him to leave the house at 2am), I just said - I am really sorry about last night. This is extremely hard for me & sometimes my pain comes out as anger. I'm working on this.
I am telling you - for me to not bring up the R has REALLY helped. I am lucky in the fact that we do go to MC weekly (or every other week depending on schedules) so I always know I will get at least one hour/week to discuss things. We have been going since Feb & all along he has said he is not willing to "try" to do anything the help the R. He thinks if his feelings change it will come naturally & not be "forced". MC would also ask him if he saw me making any changes & he would answer by saying I don't know, we don't interact. What do you mean we don't interact? He gets home from work at 5pm & unless we take our kids to their activities, we eat together as a family, hang out in the same area of the house, sit on the couch & watch tv & talk about BS stuff!
After DBing my butt off, in our last MC, he FINALLY admitted to seeing some changes & they were nice. He also said he would take 50% of the blame. MC said what are you doing to improve things then? He said coming here. For the longest time I kept thinking why would you go to MC if you are unwilling to work on R? So you can tell the kids when we get divorced that you "tried everything"? At least I know he has decent intentions at MC now. MC also said what are you doing at home? He said he was trying to take an interest in things I am doing. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE SAID HE WOULD "TRY" TO DO ANYTHING! We also have homework from MC to tell each other one thing we appreciate about the other each day. Typically he says something lame like - I appreciate the fact that you made dinner. That night, after MC, he said he appreciated me trying to work on R!
There have been so many times that I have bitten my tongue lately, I am surprised I have one left. I just remember every time I get mad, all my other hard work backslides & I'm too determined to continue on with my progress.
One thing that has really helped me is a website if you google Al Turtle counseling. I like this site bc he feels having only one person working on R can bring changes too. He discusses that in every relationship there is a need to feel "safe". It took away some of my resentment towards what H is doing bc it helped me become accountable. Something in the way that I had reacted in the past, made H feel "unsafe" to discuss his feelings w/me & ask me to make changes. Which resulted in me feeling like this came out of the blue.
Now I look at things in a new light. What can I do to make H feel "safe" to come to me? Talking about R does not make spouse feel safe. Or if R topic comes up, anything negative H says - I validate. So you feel X,Y, Z? I'm sorry you feel that way, I haven't always made the best choices. Hmmm...180 from my typically justifying & becoming defensive. I will also tell him, I know in the past I have not always been fun to talk to about this stuff, but from now on, the new me will take what you say as constructive criticism. It gets communication going. Getting angry or sad does not make them feel safe. Being fun & lighthearted while working on changes makes H feel safe. It's almost like the DB technique of thinking is what I am going to do going to bring my spouse closer to me? Just another way of thinking about it, but helped me.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hopeful: Yes, i have done damage control, last night I apologized for behaving the way I had and explained very clearly that I was angry, I also aknowledged the fact that I have been all over the map lately. But honestly what do they expect from us? The crap we're going through is mentally exhausting and would take a toll on the strongest person.
We unlike you do not go to MC anymore, a week ago thurs she decided that she had nothing left to give so I guess the kitchen's closed.
All my W tells me now is that she has nothing to give and says she will not work on R anymore. She did however say she was still willing to talk to my DB coach, so I guess that's encouraging right?
This morning before I left to go to work we had a conversation where I told her that her negative feelings about the R and the doubt about the changes I've made were nothing more than satan induced ideas. I'm no bible thumper by any means, my W has always been the religious one in our family.Because of my shift work we always attended church every other week, but now we haven't been in about 3 months, since this all began. But over the years she has taught me many things about spirituality and God and I have grown to embrace these ideas.
The conversations we have had in the past were several times centered around Marriage,relationships and the whole concept of negative thought processes and how they get there. She was always the one preaching these things to me... And now she refuses to admit that they apply to us.
The amazing thing to me is how whenever I happen to be in a particularly dark place as soon as I think about God and actually consciously pray about it I immediately feel much better.
_________________________ Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She moves out end of Sept/09 till then "in limbo"
That is encouraging that she will speak w/DB Coach. What types of things do they discuss w/the WAH/W? I have often wondered that. I did 3 coaching sessions alone.
It is interesting how when someone gets to the point of walking away, it doesn't matter if they are a Christian or not, they can rationalize anything! I have tried all types of reasoning w/H & there just is none.
I agree that this is mentally exhausting & when I allow myself to "go there" is when I get seriously pissed off at H. I have often said that once we get thru this terrible time in our relationship...I hope I get alzheimers when we get old & he has to wipe my a--!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hopeful: You make me laugh, and that feels good! As for the things they talk about I'm not quite sure, she only had one session, but when I spoke to my coach the next time my coach told me that they spoke about what attracted my W to me initially and my W had told the coach that it was ok to relay this info to me.
Also when I talked to my coach I asked her if the way my W explained the sitch and the way I explained it were the same, and she told me that yes in fact they were almost identical, I guess that's good at least.
Yes, very interesting how they can rationalize anything to suit their sitch, she uses the old "you're just desperate and will use any angle to make me stay" To which I say "no s---!" I'm desperate, I rationalize it this way: If I have brain cancer and I'm told that I only have 6 mos to live I'm going to try anything to get rid of it, new drugs, acupuncture,homeopathic remedies, anything literally, cause guess what? I don't want cancer. This is the same approach I take to my M I do not want it to be over, the thought of my kids saying goodnight to some other dude as if he's their Dad turns me inside out!
I have told my W when this is over whatever the outcome I am going in to get a tattoo, something to signify this point of time in my life, because no matter how unbearable the pain, I never want to forget...never.
_________________________ Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She moves out end of Sept/09 till then "in limbo"
I think that there are a lot of positive signs in your sitch. The fact that your W talked to a DB coach and said it was ok to relay info to you is, I think, major. Keep up with what you know WORKS and avoid what doesn't. You only learn this by experience and a few wrong moves and you are smart enough not to repeat mistakes.
For me, one rule is DO NOT INITIATE R TALK. If you want your S to remain at home, she must be comfortable. Home is supposed to be a haven, a safe retreat after a hard day. It is not supposed to be a place that you have to mentally prepare for battle before you enter. So, let it be pleasnt from her in that you do not do the things that SET IT OFF.
Kara: I believe that to be worth at least five cents, or maybe four,no,no, I thought about it again five for sure. Thanks for the advice, that is a good sign isn't it? Her talking to a DB coach is a big deal, I guess I wasn't giving that enough weight. And the whole "prepare for battle" analogy hits home, I'm sure that's exactly how she's feeling.I am on my way home right now and I will give her a safe haven... Will let you know how it pans out.
_________________________ Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She moves out end of Sept/09 till then "in limbo"
Had a good day at work, quite busy, went home and tried the "safe haven" approach. When I got home (which was an hour earlier than usual) W was in the kitchen dishing up supper for the kids. She had her back to me and didn't even know I was there, she just knew that someone had walked in. Then she said "can I help you?" thinking it was one of the kids coming in. To which I responded "well that all depends". She turned around and was smiling, which was a good sign.
I asked her why she was in such a good mood and she said she wasn't quite sure, she had been playing her guitar earlier in the day and she had a cocktail going so I'm sure that had something to do with it.
I told her that I had spoken to a friend of ours earlier in the day and this friend expressed that she would like to talk to us. I then suggested to my W that perhaps she should go talk to our friend for some moral support, because my W feels like I am the only one getting any support. I explained to her that the reason I get so much support is because I seek it. Hard to argue the truth.
So tonight the W will go and speak to our mutual friend to tell her side, hopefully it's similar to my side of the story. I really tried to do all of this in as much of a "safe Haven" kind of way as possible.
The rest of the evening was ok, we shared a few kid stories and had a couple of really good gut laughs, man that feels good!
I told her that I understood why she has to leave the home to gain some "perspective", and after telling her so many times that what she is doing does not compute or make any sense to me, I finally told her that it does make sense to me...And I actually meant it. The look on her face was incredible, finally feeling understood feels so good.
More later.
_________________________ Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She moves out end of Sept/09 till then "in limbo"
Hey all, W went out tonight to our mutual friends house to discuss "us", guess there's a part of me that worries that when my W explains what a pain in the a-- I was for so many years they will choose her side of the story over mine, pretty childish I know.
Guess we'll see when she gets home just how much info she's willing to share, I will not poke I will not prod...Just listen.
All in all it will be too much to bear and I'll have to phone said friend tomorrow to find out her true feelings. Not digging for any dirt, I just want to find out if the friend feels it's over, or if there's a little left to fight for.
Just a quick question: How does anyone out there find the inspiration to do the regular day to day things that require doing like, yardwork, (and I have 6 acres to mow), general cleaning of the house, cooking nutritious meals for the family,vehicle maintenance, just all the daily drudgery that never goes away, as well as the ever important taking good care of my three beautiful little people?
_________________________ Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She moves out end of Sept/09 till then "in limbo"
