Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help! Want direct feedback from walk away wive/s

I agree. I think it must have to do with the WAW perception from that time period in their lives- a very idealistic time. BTW, aside from her affair buddy, she appears to be doing alot of reminiscing about her HS days- loading HS photos into her Facebook page, contacting old friends for HS days etc. I'm beginning to wonder if the EA isn't evolving to include a mini-MLC as well.

Sounds like a total MLC to me. The need to re-evaluate her choices in life. The re-visiting of past memories. ETC.

I think you should research that.

Men are doing this now -- in droves -- too. Facebook and MySpace have been instrumental in fanning these old flames again.

It's wistful romanticism and fantasy. I've felt that way too (still "carry a torch" for my first girlfriend), but the difference is, I NEVER ACTED ON IT.

Self-restraint. It's what separates men from the greater apes.

Puppy

Acting on it is the difference.

Puppy,

I couldn't agree with you more. I too have had those feelings but am mature and responsible enough to keep them in check and not act on them. Unfortunately my wife has always been very idealistic in general, impressionable and to a certain degree emotionally vulnerable. Over the course of time I forgot about those qualities in her that make her vulnerable (partly because I do not share them) and now I'm paying a price for my lack of vigilance. Ironically, it was my strong self confidence and personality that attracted her to me in the first place, now it is many of these same qualities that she says have contributed to our problems.

I know, I should stop blaming myself. I am not the perfect husband, but that does not justify her involvement in the EA. Nothing I've done in the past does.

What the hell is wrong with these WAS types?!

Since discovery of the EA, my wife has made it clear that she is not interested in going out on dates with me, even double dates with other couples. Then this afternoon, she gets interested when I tell her I'd like to go shopping at Costco. So she is running late from work tonight and texts me apologizing for running a little late. This is nice, I appreciate the consideration. She gets home and we get in the car to go to the store. She is chatty the whole way up and we have a nice conversation. We get to the store, shop, get back in the car and now she's not so talkative. We get home and put away the groceries. Since I've got cooties (she needs her space and I'm operating quasi-dark) and the kids are all crashed, I decide, hell, I might as well go to the gym and get out some frustration. She says great, see you later. I get back from the gym, shower and grab a book to read. She asks me if it's another book I've been reading and I say "no it's not". Now this is a cool book, so I'm half expecting a follow up question like "well what book is it?" Maybe open up a conversation. But nothing. So I read a little, she watches a t.v. show, we make some small talk, then it's off to bed for her. Later I check Facebook and see her comments griping about sitting around alone on a Friday night playing in Facebook by herself. Unbelievable.

I guess how our current arrangement is that she and OM get to talk and text on the weekdays like in the movies but on the weekends while he is out drinking with his buds, playing pool, etc. (in another state) she gets to spend time with me and the kids as the housewife/mommy. Hmmm. Should I maybe rethink my strategy here and start doing fun things with her and the kids on the weekends (or just things with me and the kids)then drop back into quasi-dark mode with her during the weekday? She is still not interested in dropping the OM, so don't know if creating such a contrast right now would be beneficial or not. Any thoughts out there on what i should do?

John,


I'm one of those guys who's W (now ex) pursued OM from 18 years ago. I don't know if it applies to everyone's situation who goes through this, but I know in my ex's case, she was and still is scared to death of aging. Some of us are more graceful at it than others.

Whatever you do, DON'T feel you have the need to contrast yourself against the OM. DON'T COMPETE with him. First off, she see it as it is and secondly it will make you look insecure. Not exactly an attraction buzz for her.

Why don't you go out on the weekends and ignore her like the OM does? Give her some well deserved ALONE time.

Wow, it's shocking how similar our situations are, or I should say were. My W moved out five months ago, is still pursuing OM, and unless something drastic changes, we're on a path to D.

When I found out about my W's EA six months ago, my W was acting almost exactly like yours is now. I tried to make myself be the better option compared to OM, but it was a lost cause. She was completely emotionally vested in the OM, and nothing I did really mattered any more. We would have a great time playing with kids, hanging out and talking for the evening, then she would claim to be tired and go to bed in the guest room, take out her computer and exchange e-mails with OM complaining about her life and M, and pump him up about how exciting he was. I didn't know that at the time of course. I would be thinking, "How can OM compete with us having such a great time?" In reality, she was just using me to amuse herself and keep her company until she could hook up with OM. She would even still ask me to do favors for her. She must have been thinking I was such a chump.

It wasn't obvious to me, but she really had lost all respect for me, or at least convinced herself of that to justify her actions. Sure sounds like you are in the same situation. I agree totally with Astimegoeson. Make plans and go out without her. If she asks what you're doing, just act vague and say "Just going out for a while." If she calls or texts while you're out, don't answer or reply. Make it clear YOU DON'T NEED HER, and that your life will go on just fine no matter what she does with her silly EA. Don't think you are pushing her away. She's already gone. This is the way to maybe, just maybe, draw her back. At least she might respect you again.

I think if I had found out about EA earlier and really did what I recommend above, things might have worked out different for me. I know trying to make myself look good compared to OM was like smashing myself against a brick wall. I know whenever I stood up for myself and made it clear what the conseequences of her actions were going to be, she backed down and started acting much better toward me. Unfortunately I didn't do that from the beginning and stick with it. Check out the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It describes exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I had read that book six months ago.