Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? #64..., counting & counting & counting...zzzzzz

Well you've gotten some great advice and FIB, I didn't fully understand your last line until M from Tenn clarified.

There is a definite balancing act for this board. Definite. I see way too many lbsers holding onto invisible signs...and in a big way they make their situations worse...but I'm not God. Don't know the heart of your h, K but I DO know something about yours....

I can only assume you have a child related reason or a "unique to Greece" thing going as to why you are staying...and if so, we're off base telling you how to go about something different and foreign to us.

For the record, as Ian said, imho, LOTS of men can be in bed next to a woman they are attracted to, and NOT initiate sex. For many many reasons such as, Sometimes they are tired. It's called long hours at work, and IS not always a sign of infidelity or some other "weirdo" issue for the man.

But I don't want to focus on this b/c that is NOT the really big issue or rather, it is one of many in your M. I just had to comment on that blanket statement made earlier. Oh well. Enough for now.

Try to have a good evening.

((( j )))

I suspect you have not filed because of what you have said about how unfair post divorce life is for women in Greece. The lady that cares for and teaches my kids on Friday is from India and she was quite shocked at how my X got so rewarded and I got financially punished for her adultery that ended our marriage. She told me that in India, the woman gets nothing even if it is not her fault. One thing is for certain and that is "Life is not fair".

I think a reason you could justify for filing would be that you would want to start dating to meet someone new. Other than that, what is so bad with continuing on in a "hidden divorce" marriage? If nothing else, it is good for the kids.

Hey K...

I agree that my ex was unable to sleep with me when he had made the decision to leave and whilst we were still apart, although I knew he still fancied me, he still slept on his side of the bed, those nights we shared a bed last summer. Now, he is completely different. My bf and your H are not womanisers and need to feel emotionally connected to sleep with a woman... so, I wonder if he is still not emotionally connected to you. The fact that he wont talk to you at all about what matters, or the past or even now (I presume he still hasnt answered your damn question!!!???) shows that he is still behind a very big wall.

How do you cope with the frustration of him just ignoring you every single time you ask him for a response, or his thoughts on a subject, or his answer/decision?? Have you looked him squarely in the eye and said.. do you remember our phone conversation on X day the other week? Do you remember I asked you to make a choice? Are you still deciding? How do you thikn I feel waiting X number of days for your answer?? etc.

Hugs to you... xxx

OK, Mike (and boys and girls)I was one of the "damn" lucky that their spouse wanted back when I fully detached. And let me tell you something, I did move forward, I did grow (some, I am still young ) and for the most part I was handling this in a healthy for me way.

My H came back when the timing was sooo wrong. I cant even begin to decsribe how wrong it was. It was a little too late almost. I decided for my own personal and moral and whatever reasons to give it a try. And to do that, I gave up a lot.

It did start with a statement from him such as "I didnt realise how much I've hurt you, and I dont want to hurt you again. I know where we went wrong and want to fix this etc etc.". He meant these things and I dont doubt that. During our "piecing", just as FG told me, it became obvious he had NO IDEA what our effort to reconcile involved. I believe, he believed I "was where he left me".

I tried to explain, show and practice all the things that were different. He showed he wanted to, but couldnt. We went to a MC that he felt comfortable with that I believe harmed us. He started IC (with the same C) and stopped. I could see he was eager to fix things for himself but she didnt manage to "keep" him. Or, she expected him to work and he couldnt.

8-9 months later we spend time every weekend since I dont want him move back in the house. 8-9 months later my patience is running out which means that even though I do try not to, I feel resentment building up. This is what fb2 sees and I understand what he is saying. But I feel I was lied to. I went thru hell and I wanted a man equally aware of what being together should mean.

I am in no position to teach him now. This is where endurance and strength comes in. I feel drained. 2 years of this, broke me. I need him to lead, I need him to give before I can give. Selfish? Maybe.

Today, during a talk, he told me he feels like crap. He said he also feels this is a sick situation. He said everytime we have a fight (twice or three times so far) he is questioning our effort. He said he is unhappy. I asked him if a friend asked him "what do you do about it?", he would answer nothing. He said he doesnt know why he cant do anything. He is in square #1 and I am in square #4 (not 10) waiting for him to catch up and he cant and I am getting bored and frustrated and thinking if I should just disappear in the sunset instead of waiting for him for any longer.

Today I asked for time frames. He said he cant possibly set timeframes. He said that since we havent divorced yet, it is a proof there is a lot still between us that is worth sticking to our M. He understands my frustration. When we talk, he is not a a$$hole or mean or arrogant. He is just lost.

Another thing I dont know if some you of realise is that what he "delivers", offers now, is MORE than he he offered me while we were "happily" married before the bomb. And that is what keeps me. No excuses needed, I dont feel I need any, just want to explain a little bit what is going in my head. I am asking him to create a marriage with me, while for years I let him get away with a marriage where he offered VERY little. I am pushing and pushing (actually just by holding on to my needs)and he is lost. He was NO idea what he is supposed to do. He hears me talking, he agrees, but he has no idea how to implement these things in our day to day life.
How can I expect him to know? That's why I keep telling him, with details, basic stuff again and again.

Today he said he wanted us to go on vacation together to be "outside of the work routine and relax". That showed how "amateur" he is with this. He thinks things "would get better". I tod him I would need to feel closer to him to go on vacation together.

A year ago I would be eager and happy to show him, lead, "teach". Right now... I cant. I am not able to. I look inside and find no mojo left for this kind of effort. the rest of my life is ok, I just cant get myself excited about investing again in a relationship with H.

It is easier for me to give up and turn the page when someone doesnt want me. With 2 kids and H saying he wants us to reconcile, it's very hard to decide not to.

He is not stalling. If I said I want out and I am sure about it, I believe he would accept it and we would be friends. He would just admit "defeat".

Today I told him that I see him focusing on the kids while he knows that was never a problem with us. That he needs to make a concious decision to work here with me, willing to overcome himself, more than once probably. He listened to me. He didnt attack or smoothered me. He expressed he feels like he is "in between worlds" being with us on weekends, alone during the week and not in tune with me. But...

There is an end though. And thru DBing I have accepted that things change and end. And I am not naive or stupid. I listen to everybody here but I think with my heart and head. I vent, I complain, I get frustrated but I know I could end this in a minute. But I choose not to. Yet. When you guys tell me you would file, part of me agrees with you. But as long as there is another part stronger still, I will not.
K

PS fb2, Coach and Greek, like many of the couples reconciled here, didnt separate for long and there wasnt a long torturous drifting part process. I cant relate to them at all. I know the story. I followed it. I cant find the unconditional lobve inside me and our M has shaky a long time before the bomb. There is huge gap between us. I tend to believe that people reconcile in the first 6-8 months before a lot of damage is done or after many many years where the relationship is actually completely new.

Kerry, no, that is not all why I dont file.

Ali, I asked him today. I talked for 28 minutes and he probably told me 30 sentences. He "forgot our phone call and didnt realise I expected an answer..." I didnt buy it and he aknowledged it in the end. He said, he didnt know how to answer. He said he wants in doesnt know how.
K

(((((Kalni)))))

"Doesn't know how....."

Where have I heard that before..... oh, it was BBJ's Dan!

You know, not knowing how is ok. It's not showing any desire to find out that isn't ok. Every time you've tried to give him a clue, he's rejected it. Maybe not out load, but he hasn't followed up, and he hasn't done anything (that I've seen) to try to learn on his own. What message does he think he is sending?

I understand the reason now. He is making some effort but is lost. He provides for the family. He is a good man. He is just not meeting your romantic needs. If my W had been like this instead of going out and boinking men in bars and treating me like dirt, I would have stuck with it too.

I think you are doing right by staying legally married for now.

You got most of the triangle and should be content with your life as it is now.

Jeff, this is where I get mad and also hesitate to pronounce this marriage dead. Because when he says he doesnt know how, believe me, it is true because he is looking in the past and what he gives now WAS enough. I was not asking for more. He has no reference of everyday routines. For YEARS we didnt talk about work, friends etc.
This is where I feel I am responsible for, a lot. I enabled him to drain us out during our marriage and then the rest were easy to follow. You see I "taught" him how he should be a husband by giving the minimum. I took over the rest. Now he is scratching his head thinking "why doesnt SHE lead, where do I go wrong?"

What he did:
went to MC, I dont want to go back to her and I am not suggesting it
went to IC
spends every single moment he has with us
suggest lunches out during the weekend everytime (it was before bomb our only "dates")
buys me stuff (bought me a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo sunglasses this weekend )
when I suggest something he agrees
is very careful, tiptoeing when he is in the house, not to push (he said he gives me space)
has no issues visiting my extended family (insisted to go to the wedding and christening with me)
cooks and helps the kids with school to lift the burden off me
talks to his friends and family as if we are together already
considers changing jobs (I believe he is thinking about it because of us)
and a few more earlier in this process...
K

Well that IS some movement on his part...so you seem to know what you are doing for now.

I'm curious about the vacation thing, b/c though I understood your answer it's also probably weird to him b/c he thinks you will feel closer by going on the vacation and you are saying "chicken before the egg" etc. (Plus I like trips...) but since the trip would presumably be just the two of you...well, just thought I'd put in a vote for the trip if it's still being considered.

Interesting point about him thinking you were where he left you....VERY interesting and I need to ponder it some more.
Hang in there.
(( j ))

Hey j,
he didnt mean go just the 2 of us, I would probably go. He said he doesnt want to take family vacation FOR the kids (kids not being the only reason), he thinks it would be good to spend time together away ... I told him we are having a good time as family, we are missing (totally) US time. His "mic" went dead after that

He still didnt suggest anything. That's how I started talking to him today. I said "if you want us to go on vacation together, just tell me, dont beat around the bush implying things, just speak out!!"
K