Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How Do You Forgive?

I think he's lying to you. It's at least a deep EA. I do think that's "all" it is at this point, but it may have gotten physical, who knows.

If he wants to "make amends," then the place to start is FULL TRANSPARENCY with you. If he balks, then you'll have your answer.

I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but ALL of my warning bells are going off on this one, EO.

Puppy

My H was only the 2nd person I ever dated and my only lover. When we dated, I told him that I could never forgive infidelity. He felt the same way. That was 21 years ago. I can't forgive it. I just can't. I deserve better. Staying with him would DISRESPECT me to the core and he knows it, which is why I'm sure he'll never admit it. His friend who was murdered had affairs. When we were talking about his affairs, I coldly told him that ppl who have affairs are "scum bags." He seemed hurt. Red flag! There are other things that have come up in our conversations that give me pause now and more evidence that he's lying to me still. Right after he dropped the bomb, I was on the phone with him and I was calm and rational and said, "Well, at least neither one of us had an affair." He was quiet and sheepishly said, "yeah." That should have been my RED FLAG to suspect something. I'm not angry just mortally wounded and forever disappointed. I can't come back from that, I just can't.

People do, EA -- don't do anything rash. Just calmly talk to him, but firmly tell him that YOU need transparency from him if YOU are going to feel trusting in the marriage.

Based on the evidence you've seen, I would think you would need that in order to even move forward. He's going to balk (again), and call you "controlling" and "paranoid" and try to put this back on YOU. COUNT on it.

Stand firm. Say "I know all about you and ______, and it's not only incredibly disrespectful to our marriage, but it's something you and I always agreed was a dealbreaker. I don't know how far it's gone, but what i DO know is that it's gone WAY past the line, and it needs to stop. I"m willing to work on the marriage with you, but not with a third person in it."

And then I'd give him all of five minutes to decide.

Puppy

I'd suggest, for your own peace of mind, that you get yourself tested. I'm sorry. I had to do it too -- it sukks, but it's the smart thing to do.

Puppy

I did that with him last night and he was literally "in my face" with his eyes wide open angrily denying anything more than a handshake with his therapist. If I bring it up again tonight, he's going to snap, say I'm emotionally unstable, have gone off the deep end, and say that's it---we have nothing left to talk about. How do I break through to him?

The amplitude of his objection is what worries me.

Don't allow him to be rude or disrespect you. If he screams, calmly say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I won't be talked to like that. Come back and talk to me when you've calmed down," and then walk away.

"I want to make amends" are words. WORDS ARE CHEAP. It is his ACTIONS that you need right now, and if he can't understand that, then it tells me that he isn't sincere.

Yes you can, but not immediately. You are very hurt and angry right now. You have every right to be. But do not let that anger get the best of you. Breathe, and try to stay calm.

What I'm suspecting is a deep emotional attachment -- a strong EA. To most women, that's even worse than a one-night-stand PA, but that's for you to decide. My point is that he may be using some self-drawn moral line to define whether or not he's "had an affair." If they didn't have INT together, but have exchanged passionate "ILYs" and "I'm not the same without you" e-mails, then I'm sorry, that's an emotional affair.

Have you read the book "NOT Just Friends," by Glass? It's the definitive work on EAs. Maybe your husband needs to read it as well.

Puppy

I haven't read that book, but I'll find it. I wish I had waited to see his reply to her email. That would have told me so much. Now I'll never know. I don't think he can admit to doing anything wrong b/c he has always been on a pedestal in his family and even in his own mind.

Thanks, Puppy. Somehow, I'll muster the courage to bring this up with him. Last night, he said, "I hope we're done with this now. I'm tired of talking about it. There is nothing else I can say to convince you. But I just know that tomorrow you are going to bring it up again. I can't take this!" So if I bring it up again, I guess I have to be ready for everything to be over...

Offer to have him log into his Sent Items e-mail RIGHT THEN, and show you his response. And that if you're wrong, you'll drop it.

$100 says he'll say "I automatically delete my Sent items" or some such.

And again, you will have your answer.

Puppy