Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers another newcomer - thread #2

I think I might be getting too much credit, but it is true I basically don't initiate conversation about the R and only bring up stuff on the stuff she wants to do (house being sold, separation agreement) rarely when needed.

Give it time, 4 weeks is not too long and she is watching you closely, thinking. Try and see what you can pick up from your observations. Like was mentioned in my threads, you are now an Undercover DB Agent, and you have a mission. Don't worry about what is going on in the WAS brain, focus on yourself and your actions, and just observe and not the WAS actions. Start trying to see if there is a connection.

It has been about 8 weeks today into this for me, and I know this is going to be a 24 week or so process until she either files for divorce or we look into reconciling. Who knows what will happen, I am preparing for both (the paradox!) as best I can.

Funny that I think our sith's a re very similar. When my W dropped the bomb, she said she would give me time to show her changes (but could not guarantee she would change mind) and then said she would not wait 6 months though. DB seems to hold that my changes will take around 6 months to have an affect on her. Hope she gives me the time.

I feel like every day she does not push for the D, it is a samll victory.

Thanks for your input. Good luck to you.

Yeah, my W told me and that was that, no changing too little too late. But I too find a small victory in little things. I'm a little down today from her email this morning, but it is just a little bump in a long road.

Thanks for reading and commenting on my posts; it has helped me. Good luck to you!

Yeah, we've all heard that one about changes are "too little, too late". My response was:

"I'm learning things about myself and making these changes for me. Whether my next relationship is with you or someone else, things are going to be different next time around."

And it's true.

Last night WAW didn't bring up the stuff from the email earlier in the day, just made small talk and talked about son. See, one hour to the next you never know what you are gonna get! ;-)

You betcha -- WAWs are like a box of chocolates.



Herself told me that, too. My reply: "Not for my next ex-wife!"

Welcome to the roller coaster - think we all know that too well.

My WAW sometimes seems very happy and interested to talk to me, and at other times, distant and cold (like texting me when I am out of town with S and saying "when can I call...I want to toalk to S."). Hurts, but I don't react.

My C says for me to "drag my feet" when it comes to talk about the D. He feels the more time I can hang in there and W not bring up D, that is a positive. Time as the healer?

I honestly do not think the WAS knows what they want - my W has told me she does not understand some of (the part she does not blame me for) why she feels the way she does towards me.

Carved in stone and carried down from the mount.

All they know is what they don't want -- and that's the status quo, from their POV.

SP, you hit the nail on the head.

I think last night was the best interaction in the past 2 months. WAW and S got home, and we all started getting dinner ready and relaxing. WAW and I had a cocktail, S was playing play doh. As we were talking small talk, I mentioned something about getting a quote for some possible repair work on the house we had discussed. This lead to some other “business” talk about separation agreement draft. This lead to a conversation that WAW initiated on the R:

WAW: This is why I am so stressed out right now, I am going to be poor and I am not going to see S all the time. I was with him 99% of the past 4 years. I get upset right not because I wish we never got married and had him so I wouldn’t feel this way.

Me: I am sorry to hear that, I understand this is hard; it is for me too.

I am really stressed and upset about all this, having to live in a small apartment and not getting to be with him all the time. If I just had got out earlier...

I understand you feel that way. We have all made decisions that lead us to today and that we regret. I have many, now that I am willing to look at myself and be honest. But we also aren’t on an episode of “Lost” or something were we can’t control our destiny. We have choices in front of us we still can make, and we can control the path we are on going forward.

What do you mean? [I sense an opening based on body language and look on her face]

Let’s just go here for a minute... we can choose to put energy in working on our relationship, and changing the way things were that got us here. I know I have been selfish and didn’t put your needs on the same playing field as mine. What if that changed? What if I took a step back and you took a step to the front? If if we shifted priorities and made up for some of the out-of-balance stuff from before?

I wouldn’t want that, I want a marriage to be of equals and being together, not you changing who you are or sacrificing.

Right, I understand. That isn’t what I am saying, I am saying getting more in balance than it was in the past, getting to a good partnership.

With that, the conversation went a bit into different directions that I honestly can’t even recall, but it wasn’t too heavy. But it was encouraging! After the son went to bed, we watched a bit of TV. She said her feet hurt. Of course, what did I do? Foot rub. She said I am so good at it, I will be able to get all the ladies with it. I laughed and said maybe so. Or, maybe I could just keep getting better at it and let you benefit!

I am nervous, I feel like this is a delicate time. I am seeing light here, I think.