Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW1 - Anticipation2

Mark,

I agree with option 3 as well for what it's worth. I also think going to see your L would be the right thing to do at the moment. For the moment I think you need to go dark with her. Call her bluff. She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. Be there for the kids but not her any more. Not after that text she sent you yesterday.

I think you're bang on the money that she's like this because she's not getting her way any more. She can't continue to call the shots because she'll milk it for all it's worth. Go with option 3 and stick with it. Don't back down regardless of her spewing. Now's not the time to show any weakness. You're paying the mortgage and it's still the marital home therefore you have every right to stay there. Don't let her tell you otherwise. Keep with it.

Kev

Thanks Kev,

In relation to going dark I want to try and avoid any physical contact with her.

There are two reasons for this: -

1. She knows that I still love her, she therefore dresses in a way that 'winds me up', and I find it very difficult to look at her knowing the way I feel.

2. This will help me to detach and go dark more successfully.

The problem is I have to see her when she/I drop off the children and pickup, therefore I need to think of a way to achieve this without her knowing the real reason why (1.) I cannot use an intermediatary as we do not know enough people. I was thinking of asking her to put the bags outside the front door, and leave a note or text me if she needs to tell me anything.

I do not want to show any more weakness, therefore I need to excercise the correct way to do this. Any ideas?

Mark,

I know its hard to go dark when you have your kids to think about. I managed it with my W over a short period of time though. I would go to her house to pick up Wee Man, ask some basic questions about when he'd slept, eaten, etc. and then I'd up and leave. It took a lot of self control because I wanted to ask her what she'd been up to and how she was. I resisted the urge though. If she tried to engage me in any kind of conversation I'd just make up some excuse about being in a hurry. Yes, I had to physically see her which always hurt me when she was looking really good but you have to learn to ignore that on the surface at least.

I'm not sure I agree with the idea of having the bags outside. That's just confirming to her that you're not strong enough to face her. The trick is to make it seem to her as though you and your kids have better things to do than waste time talking with her. Don't be nasty about it, just do it.

I found after a short period of going dark with my W in this way, it suddenly became her being very interested in my actions. Still, I remained vague to keep her guessing. The hardest thing in the world is to stop pursuing but I think it's also the most effective.

Try to keep your self control about you Mark. That's the one thing which is causing you problems.

Kev

I'm with Kevin on this one. Show strength.

Puppy

Thank you Kev and Puppy,

My main 180 now is to stop persuing. Without giving up I believe we are not destined to be together as she has not shown any wavering, no degree of regret or sympathy, or blame come to that.

I have to have the mindset that I have to rebuild my life as a single parent and concentrate on the children. This is the hardest realisation I have ever, ever experienced, but for my own sanity I must have this mindset as the longer I am in denial the longer the hurt goes on.

I must remember I am trying to make changes for me and the children, not my wife, as she does not care what I do or say at this point.

I think that's a good and healthy mindset at this point, Mark. It will get easier over time.

Puppy

Mark,

If you think option 3 is the best, then take the step. Don't worry about the future of a job. You will deal with it when the time comes. There are plenty of single dads out there doing the parenting, cleaning, job thing all the time, I am sure you will manage.

So say, I will move in. I will look after the children, it would be my biggest pleasure to do so. I will stay until end of Nov and manage everything. You (W) can stay at your parents' house or whereever. It's none of my business anymore. We can work out a schedule when the kids can see you. I am looking forward to this big adventure with the children.

Mark, you will probably never get to spend this much time with the kids again especially when you get a job, when kids grow up and have their own lives.

This REALLY is a gift for you. Take advantage of it! Look at this as a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. Not a tragedy that W has moved out.

That's really a great way to look at it, PM!!

I agree.

As sad as I am that my S and H have very little to do with one another, I enjoy the fact that my S and I are closer than ever. He knows how hard this had been for me and keeps cheering me on as I grow stronger. It is amazing how great I feel when my son points out how great I'm doing.

Guys,

It is great to have such support from you all.

I have just picked up my children and had a quick chat about the trampoline I had staked out in the garden. My wife immediately said I had staked it out in the wrong place (by 2 feet!!!), I told her to just visualise the trampoline 2 feet further down the garden. She wanted to make an issue of it but I deflected the critisism.

I then said I was going to get a pair of flip-flops from our bedroom. Before I could even finish the sentance she said "I'll get them". I responded by saying "No thats ok, I can get them". She then argued the point again and said this was not my house, I responded by saying it still is at the moment. So I followed her up the stairs and she gave them to me. I was not going to be bullied into not going into OUR bedroom, though she has removed anything to do with me. She was in quite an aggressive mood at this stage, though she accused ME of being aggressive.

I did my best not to be drawn into an argument and I then left with the children.

When I arrived back at the rental house I received a call from her telling me not to be so aggressive. She then went on to accuse me of snooping which she gave as the reason why I followed her into the bedroom.

I denied this, but clearly she still believes I am still pursing (asking her where she goes which was only last week in my case) and snooping which I do not. I have to stop NOW this pursing as I backslid last weekend and must stop now.