I`m done with it all. I`m going to take tomorrow of work(could barely function today) to get the legal ball rolling. Also going to doc for meds to get me through this and a counsellor.
I`ve been at this coal face for too long.
I`m desperately sad but I`m in a hole and this is the only way I can see out of it now.
It's only my opinion, but I think you are doing the right thing. And really, by doing it, you are not preventing anything, if he was to decide that he wants to recognize his part in things. In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and financially! Andnot only for you, but for the kids!
Didn`t take the day off in the end up but have set up appts for solicitor and counsellor which wil entail my taking a day off next week.
At this point I`m just completely ignoring H. Staying as far removed as possible from him and his madness.
Went out last night with two gfs. They don`t know our sitch so it was nice to be able to leave all of this mess behind and enjoy a meal with great chat and laughter. A preview I hope of happier days ahead.
I`m home now, with the kids. H still at work. I`m going to keep as much joy and light in this house and in these times for me and the kids so that we won`t get to associate our lovely home with two much darkness, and this time of the year only with despair.
Hoping over to your thread now to see how you`re doing since you`re a lot further down this road than I am and I need to know that the light in this tunnel is not too far off.
Funny how things move in ways you don`t expect. No, not great progress. In fact, maybe progressing in the wrong way. But there`s change in the air anyway.
I dropped the LRT on Thurs last.Once H challenged me about paying the bills and said he`d have to `defend myself more around here` I thought Well that`s it. I`m through with his mindgames and accusations and anger. I`m out of here.
By Sunday morning I was livid. I gathered up a few family photos and showed them to him."So in this pic you`re pretending to be a Dad/husband. You`re there for the picture, the look, the appearances but you were never fully committed.Right?" Yes, I know its unDB stuff but I just really needed to speak from my heart.
He said that wasn`t true and asked me to remember the good times-this from the guy who couldn`t remember any good times the previous Tues.
But I was really angry with him. angry at his accusations against me, the way he has treated me over the past two years while he`s in his crazy place. I told him it was like looking down at him from outside and watching him destroy everything. I told him its ironic that he doesn`t ever want to go to court or see a solicitor again because by stalling on the separation and not trying to work things out in am amicable fashion, courts and lawyers are the only option.
I told him the cost of that is horrendous.
And there was a further irony anyway in his dreading appearances and what other people think, because when we do separate an other people will inevitably be talking about it.
He didn`t say a whole pile. But I sensed that in hearng me talking more about separation that he wants to row back on that one. Basically he hasn`t figured out what he wants.
I told him I knew he was full of anger, tat he always had that anger and that its something from his childhood. Its not my fault that his dad beat his mother so stop taking it out on me!
We haven`t spoken since. Not much anyway. I`m staying out of his way.
At night I`m hopeful of us getting over all of this. But in the cold light of day I can`t see how. I asked him on Sunday if he hated me he said no he didn`t hate me and seemed taken aback that I`d asked him But I think it may have stopped him being plain nasty.
I can see that he`s in a hole. I know he is in pain. And I can`t help him, though part of me wishes I could.
Off to counsellor tomorrow, jsut for me. Hope she can help me make more sense of everything.
Funny how things move in ways you don`t expect. No, not great progress. In fact, maybe progressing in the wrong way. But there`s change in the air anyway.
I dropped the LRT on Thurs last.Once H challenged me about paying the bills and said he`d have to `defend myself more around here` I thought Well that`s it. I`m through with his mindgames and accusations and anger. I`m out of here.
By Sunday morning I was livid. I gathered up a few family photos and showed them to him."So in this pic you`re pretending to be a Dad/husband. You`re there for the picture, the look, the appearances but you were never fully committed.Right?" Yes, I know its unDB stuff but I just really needed to speak from my heart.
He said that wasn`t true and asked me to remember the good times-this from the guy who couldn`t remember any good times the previous Tues.
But I was really angry with him. angry at his accusations against me, the way he has treated me over the past two years while he`s in his crazy place. I told him it was like looking down at him from outside and watching him destroy everything. I told him its ironic that he doesn`t ever want to go to court or see a solicitor again because by stalling on the separation and not trying to work things out in am amicable fashion, courts and lawyers are the only option.
I told him the cost of that is horrendous.
And there was a further irony anyway in his dreading appearances and what other people think, because when we do separate an other people will inevitably be talking about it.
He didn`t say a whole pile. But I sensed that in hearng me talking more about separation that he wants to row back on that one. Basically he hasn`t figured out what he wants.
I told him I knew he was full of anger, tat he always had that anger and that its something from his childhood. Its not my fault that his dad beat his mother so stop taking it out on me!
We haven`t spoken since. Not much anyway. I`m staying out of his way.
At night I`m hopeful of us getting over all of this. But in the cold light of day I can`t see how. I asked him on Sunday if he hated me he said no he didn`t hate me and seemed taken aback that I`d asked him But I think it may have stopped him being plain nasty.
I can see that he`s in a hole. I know he is in pain. And I can`t help him, though part of me wishes I could.
Off to counsellor tomorrow, jsut for me. Hope she can help me make more sense of everything.
It just amazes me how up and down I am about all this DB stuff-first I`m really sure I want to save the M, then I`m just as sure I don`t. A few days later I`m back on the DB track again.
Just very unsure about everything I suppose.
Getting to the new therapist really helped. She challenged me"You are too hard" she said "You think to much and are too much in your head. Try to come from the heart"
I`m not even sure if she`s right or if I even know what she means.
Anyway, since Wednesday(therapist day) I`m feeling more hopeful of things working out eventually. The therapist is helping me back into LRT mode( unwittingly on her part as I don`t believe she`s familiar with MWD). I`m stepping right back from H.
Which is just as well because he told his Mom about us `having problems` this week. He cried on the the phone apparently. and she`s livid with him. Doesn`t want him to come home until he sorts it out. I know all that from a surprise phone call from BIL.Just as I know his Mum doesn`t know all the gory details-she`d kill H for sure if she knew.
And just as i know her knowing will make things worse for us. She`s rejecting H at a time when he BADLY needs someone to be close to him. He`s hurting. And he`ll probably blame ME for his Mom`s rejection of him.
He`s like a wounded lion prowling about the place and ready to snap at anyone.
This is a tough station. So glad I`m seeing the therapist again next Weds.
It just amazes me how up and down I am about all this DB stuff-first I`m really sure I want to save the M, then I`m just as sure I don`t. A few days later I`m back on the DB track again.
Just very unsure about everything I suppose.
Getting to the new therapist really helped. She challenged me"You are too hard" she said "You think to much and are too much in your head. Try to come from the heart"
I`m not even sure if she`s right or if I even know what she means.
Anyway, since Wednesday(therapist day) I`m feeling more hopeful of things working out eventually. The therapist is helping me back into LRT mode( unwittingly on her part as I don`t believe she`s familiar with MWD). I`m stepping right back from H.
Which is just as well because he told his Mom about us `having problems` this week. He cried on the the phone apparently. and she`s livid with him. Doesn`t want him to come home until he sorts it out. I know all that from a surprise phone call from BIL.Just as I know his Mum doesn`t know all the gory details-she`d kill H for sure if she knew.
And just as i know her knowing will make things worse for us. She`s rejecting H at a time when he BADLY needs someone to be close to him. He`s hurting. And he`ll probably blame ME for his Mom`s rejection of him.
He`s like a wounded lion prowling about the place and ready to snap at anyone.
This is a tough station. So glad I`m seeing the therapist again next Weds.
It just amazes me how up and down I am about all this DB stuff-first I`m really sure I want to save the M, then I`m just as sure I don`t. A few days later I`m back on the DB track again.
Just very unsure about everything I suppose.
Getting to the new therapist really helped. She challenged me"You are too hard" she said "You think to much and are too much in your head. Try to come from the heart"
I`m not even sure if she`s right or if I even know what she means.
Anyway, since Wednesday(therapist day) I`m feeling more hopeful of things working out eventually. The therapist is helping me back into LRT mode( unwittingly on her part as I don`t believe she`s familiar with MWD). I`m stepping right back from H.
Which is just as well because he told his Mom about us `having problems` this week. He cried on the the phone apparently. and she`s livid with him. Doesn`t want him to come home until he sorts it out. I know all that from a surprise phone call from BIL.Just as I know his Mum doesn`t know all the gory details-she`d kill H for sure if she knew.
And just as i know her knowing will make things worse for us. She`s rejecting H at a time when he BADLY needs someone to be close to him. He`s hurting. And he`ll probably blame ME for his Mom`s rejection of him.
He`s like a wounded lion prowling about the place and ready to snap at anyone.
This is a tough station. So glad I`m seeing the therapist again next Weds.
It just amazes me how up and down I am about all this DB stuff-first I`m really sure I want to save the M, then I`m just as sure I don`t. A few days later I`m back on the DB track again.
Just very unsure about everything I suppose.
Getting to the new therapist really helped. She challenged me"You are too hard" she said "You think to much and are too much in your head. Try to come from the heart"
I`m not even sure if she`s right or if I even know what she means.
Anyway, since Wednesday(therapist day) I`m feeling more hopeful of things working out eventually. The therapist is helping me back into LRT mode( unwittingly on her part as I don`t believe she`s familiar with MWD). I`m stepping right back from H.
Which is just as well because he told his Mom about us `having problems` this week. He cried on the the phone apparently. and she`s livid with him. Doesn`t want him to come home until he sorts it out. I know all that from a surprise phone call from BIL.Just as I know his Mum doesn`t know all the gory details-she`d kill H for sure if she knew.
And just as i know her knowing will make things worse for us. She`s rejecting H at a time when he BADLY needs someone to be close to him. He`s hurting. And he`ll probably blame ME for his Mom`s rejection of him.
He`s like a wounded lion prowling about the place and ready to snap at anyone.
This is a tough station. So glad I`m seeing the therapist again next Weds.
