Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I'm back, and he's moving out

Hi all. I'm back. I hope some of you will read my thread from November of 08 called "searching for a path". Then there was "he broke up with her now I'm terrified..." from December of 08.

I won't rehash what I put there, as there's so much involved. I just hope some of you will take the time to read it because I really need help now. Their "break up" didn't last. He was emailing her within days that he missed her. The relationship has been onging since then. I honestly don't know if they have slept together again, but he refused to give up their "secret" phone and I know at least an emotional relationship has been maintained. He decided to move out and has put down a deposit on an apartment. He insists he is mainly moving because he needs to get his head together and not because of her.

I am really struggling with how to deal with everything. I want to be his friend and be supportive because of his grief. I could do this so much easier if thoughts of her wouldn't creep into my head. He has told me that they don't talk as often as I think they do, and when they do they frequently fight about me. Not to go into detail, but it involves having respect for me and not showing up at shows his band plays when I'm there. I know, ironic he's preaching respect for me. She has shown up when he specifically has told her not to...and he doesn't see what kind of person she is!!!!

Anyway, he is moving, that is a fact. I am trying very hard to be supportive...I even bought him a coffee pot, LOL! I'm thinking my best course of action right now is this:

1. Proceed as if he really is moving out only to clear his head, deal with his grief, and find a path in his life. I will not mention her or make sacrcastic comments about the relationship!!

2. I will be his friend and be fun to be with.

3. I will GAL, GAL, GAL!!!

I'm a little unsure about how to handle contact after he moves out. I'm thinking I should not initiate contact, but if he wants to talk or go have a drink or something, then fine. We work at the same place, but usually only see each other in passing. Or should I make myself unavailable? He's going to want to lean on my when he's having a tough time about his daughter. I want to be there for him for this, but should I be?

Obviously I have a long road ahead of me, but I feel very strong and I'm so grateful to be able to come here for support. Thanks so much to anyone who is able to wade through my stuff...by the way, today is my birthday! I've had better ones, but I know the future holds good things for me.

Actually you should stop initiating contact now. He's with another woman. Period. He refused to give you their secret phone...HELLO! That means he's still cheating on you.

Start getting some respect back for yourself. Do you enjoy the thought of "sharing" your H? I hope you're not still ML to him. Don't know what you'll catch.

In terms of your D, set the terms of what is acceptable for him to do in terms of her. If he doesn't like it, then tough. He made his bed. Plus do you really want your D to think that it's okay for daddy to be sleeping with someone else other than mommy?

Actually, we don't have any children together. His only child was killed almost a year ago in a car accident, which is what started this downward spiral. I truly don't think they've been physical in quite some time...and yes, if he wanted to have sex I would in a second. Now after he moves out is another story. I'm not sure what not speaking to him while he's still living here would accomplish, could you give me some insight into why that would be a good idea? I'm not saying it's not, I'm just thinking that might push him further toward someone else. We're not talking divirce now. Only a separation. Thank you for your response.

we are in similar positions and i know how u feel.

why cant they see the person the ow is? why do they have to leave again?

happy birthday. mine is next week.

im struggling too, i dont know what exactly to do or how to act.

and i cant get the thoughts of the ow out of my head and when i do, its because im creeping back into denial.

from what i understand, we need to detach. but its hard, when we have bounced around so much.

im sure i was not much help, just letting u know u are not alone.

What Stuck said. ^

And if you do ML, for god's sake, use protection.

Why on earth would you want to "help him with his grief," when his grief is over another woman, with whom he still hasn't broken it off????

Puppy

Thank you for your support. I'm going to catch up your sitch and see if I can offer anything.

Puppy, the grief isn't over the OW, it's over his daughter's death. That's why I was hoping some people might be able to look at those other threads. There's just too much to post in one fell swoop. His daughter was his world and her death has changed him. What may have been marital problems that could be worked on have become something else. I think he's also in a mid life crisis. He even told me after her death he just stopped trying. (to work on our marriage) He's thinking there must be something else out there...something that will bring him happiness. His grief combined with MLC have made him think the feeling he gets from a girl over 20 years younger than he is will somehow make him whole again and make him happy. All this while he tells me I'm his best friend and there's no one else like me.

Well, as long as he continues to get some of his emotional and physical needs met by her, and the rest of his emotional and physical needs met by you, he'll never make a choice.

Us humans are, at the end of the day, path-of-least-resistance people. We pretty much do what we HAVE to.

Puppy

I guess I'm kind of confused. After reading Michelle's post "LRT when there's infidelity", I thought the idea was to find out what your spouse is missing in your relationship that he or she is finding with the other person they've become involved with. Then finding a way to fulfill that yourself. It seems that this advice is contrary to that. I really do not know the status of the OW except that I'm sure he will be seeing her once he's gone. If I shut him out physically and emotionally now am I not just pushing him into her arms?

That is one school of thought. I happen to disagree with it, and have never personally seen it work.