Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--the saga goes on

Same here, John.

Ok, the wife keeps calling me but not my daughter. She asked me today if my daughter was still angry w/ her? I said about what? She said about me not being there. I said I don't think she's angry but I know she doesn't like what you're doing. She said well, if she wants to call later she can. I told my daughter and she said "I will not call, if she wants to talk w/ me, SHE can call!" Ok, I wish I was as resolute as my daughter. My wife also said she would like to take me out for my birthday on Friday and what do I want for my b-day? Ok, I told her she didn't need to get me anything although I wanted to tell her if she wanted to get me something then come home but I didn't. She told me to pick a place to go to for dinner and she would take me. I have mixed feelings about this. Why does she keep calling? My daughter told me that when she visited her last Sunday, she told her that she didn't consider herself married yet she keeps calling me every evening and is offering to take me out for dinner? I don't get it. Is she doing this to keep her options open? Or is she just being nice because she feels guilty? Other weird stuff--she's not working out as much and she talks about eating junk food all the time again. I know women do extreme stuff like dieting and working out for a reason. Could that reason be gone? Or am I speculating too much?

I had a pretty good first half of my day. One of my Airman asked if I would pace her for her PT test. The first half of the day was productive and uneventful. The second half, I started thinking about my sitch again and am wondering if there is an end anytime in the near future. I have actually been doing well for about a week until this afternoon. Hopefully this is the last of these pangs of heartache.

I think it's a combination of guilt, shame, embarassment and she doesn't want to be seen as a "bad mother" by your D.

It's weird how the WAS's mind works. it's like they feel that they can put stucco on the holes they've left behind. When it would be much easier to replace the wall and start from scratch. They'll come up with any reason in the world to justify their leaving and attack anyone who tells them different.

It's like their moral compass suddenly breaks and what you're left with is an adolescent acting out trapped in an adult's body.

Your W could be in MLC. You can check out that forum where I posted the signs of an MLC if you wanted to see if your W falls in that category.

Good luck man.

stuck

John,
Wow...you are in such a bad position...who knows what your W is thinking...could you call this a MLC...yes, but that in no way justifies her actions. Again, her discussing the status of your marriage with a 13 yr old daughter is way off base...have you talked to her about this at all? For her to tell your daughter she doesn't consider herself married when she is both legally and morally is way off-base...your daughter sounds like a smart young lady that you should be proud. If you have not it is time to talk about what is and what is not appropriate to talk to your daughter about with her C and tell your W what you will accept. I think your D will put her in her place if she steps across the line (which she has already done at least twice).

Another reason for you to consider to see a lawyer...again, this is not a prelude to divorce...just a smart business plan.

The interaction you have with the phone calls and your b-day (congrats on 40) meal is a hard decision...I personally would tell her no...for your happiness you would prefer to spend your 40th with someone that wants to be with you...take some leave and take your daughter to see your parents or go to a nice restaurant with your D, or invite a few close friends to your hosue and have a BBQ. If you do go out with your W you will be bummed out at the end when she leaves to go to her apartment...and that is if everything else goes well. No good can come from it other than you getting a free meal that tastes like cardboard...if you do anything and she wants to help and you can use it to bump her guilt do a meal at home (not recommended but you got to do what you think best) with her and your D at your house...nice meal with all three of you together. If possible have her prepare the meal or at least prepare the dessert. Do not giver her any ideas about a gift to include coming home...she already knows that and decides every day to stay away....again, this is if you feel it will help...I do not think so but you may think you have to try...

The PT and junk food means nothing...do not believe a single thing she tells you...she is a liar in everything she says and most of what she does...that is just how it is when you live a life of lies.

Your heartache will come and go for years...no matter if you divorce or stay together...it will hit you when you least expect it...you will deploy again or get a remote and she will not be at home when you call or forget something and you will wonder what she is doing...that is what happens when trust is gone...that is what I was trying to tell you when I asked if you have thought about what you want. The loss of trust is a horrible blow to a marriage...many do not survive. Blind trust is not a virtue...verify will become part of your thought process...something to think about.

Right now you are reacting to her actions...she has had nothing but positives in her life...apartment, no responsibilites about D, single life style, come and go as she wants, buy anything, etc...you need to try to get control with the mental expectation that your marriage is over but if it could be save you would consider saving it...your heart might tell you to do everything you can to include begging but it will not work...we are hardwired to go alpha and most take the path of least resistance...if you are at the point you can take a stand and stick with it your bday is a good start...if you can arrange it to spedn the weekend with your D and parents would be best...

Again, exposure to end the affair is where you are right now...go see a lawyer to get advice on your Ds care and custody, who will get the house, bills, retirement, college for D, etc...

You are in a holding pattern...from what you have told us this will last until Oct if you let it...the OM will PCS and your W will decide if she wants to come home or find another OM or try to PCS to where the OM is...perhaps that is her reason for the Warrant Officer program? Is he Army?

You are doing better than you think...you have stayed away from alcohol, no abuse with wife, taking good care of D, saving money, improved your PT scores and helped others, you are going to have weak moments...what is important is you know that and do let depression overcome you.

Do you have a worse case and best case scenario plan established...what do you want if you divorce adn what do you want if you stay married? Try to make a list...if she comes home and still sees OM can you accept that? If OM moves in or she moves in with him can you accept that? Very few marriages survive that level of betrayl...at least she is "faking" the affair and has not shacked up with the OM...yet. If that happens you need to consider an immediate legal plan...

I still feel your marriage can go either way...if you can expose to bust up the affair, and at the same time tell her you do not want to talk to her unless your D is sick, and continue to improve your life with your daughter you still have a good chance without you giving up your pride...the first time your daughter is introduced to this OM is your cue that you better get busy on the legal side...that is whay I think she is slowly escalating the "exposure" on her side...the buildup to prepare your daughter is in progress....55 but cute, I do not consider myself married, etc. Put your foot down and let her know if this continues you will do something...do not tell her just go do it...supervised visits with someone you trust or a court appointed custodian that she pays for...it is not right for a mother to talk about her boyfriend and that she doesn't consider herself married to justify an affair with a 13 yr old girl.

Consider telling her via letter or email that for your own wellbeing that you would prefer to not talk at all unless it is an immediate need for your daughter...then do it. Your D is old enough that you do not need to talk to your W about her care.

Take care

V/R

Do not allow your WAW to celebrate your birthday with you! You had a great opportunity to detach and be mysterious over the long weekend, but you caved just because she was lonely. Please stop.

Plus, you know that your D will be uncomfortable with her there. And you don't want your D to watch you being jerked around anymore. It's poor role-modeling and makes you look like a doormat.

Do yourself a favor and deny your WAW the right to be with you on your birthday. She "doesn't feel married", right? She is not behaving like a wife, right? Let her feel the loss of not celebrating this milestone.

Don't explain yourself, just decline her invitation. You have other plans, right?

Stay strong. She has been cake-eating long enough.

Hi John,
I have been reading all along and I just thought I would give you my take on your W's recent behaviour. We have a phrase in greek that says "throwing ash to someones's eyes" meaning you blindside them so while they cant see you finish up business, take care of loose ends, hit them, fool them, run away etc etc

I think she is not honest, I think she is manipulating you because she realised the trouble she would get in if you exposed her affair or maybe even the OM told her he cant afford to be exposed and she is doing this for him (yeah I know how that sounds). Be cautious. Be smart. I hope I am wrong.
K

I'm going to agree w/ you here. I haven't believed a word she has said even though I've wanted to. This is why I'm still actively trying to find out who the OM is. My friend is trying to get his name and type of vehicle he drives. This way I can verify if they are still involved. If she is doing this for him, she's an idiot. Oh well.

Someone mentioned that yesterday and I plan to do some more research on it this weekend.



I did discuss it with her and she stated that she could talk to D about anything she wanted to. Very angry but still called me the next day?



I'm holding off on this one till I determine that the OM is still in the pic. I'm sure he is but I want to verify. I want a name so that when she denies it to me I can give her the name, watch the expression on her face and contest the divorce on grounds of adultry.



It is a hard decision and I'm still wrestling w/ it.



I keep telling myself that but it doesn't hurt to hear it from others. It keeps my perspective where it needs to be. I mean, if you keep lying, you'd get good and practiced at it after a while, right?



I have been reactive quite a bit, I'll agree. I will disagree on the next statement though. I know she's not feeling that great as my friend at her work has told several times that she is NOT happy in his opinion. He's a pretty good judge of character IMO. He told me that the wife almost seems like she's putting up a front at times when he sees her but that she is in fact not happy--some people can just tell. Anyway, I hope he's right--I know it's not something I should be happy about BUT it does make me feel better never the less.



It won't last that long for me if OM is still in the pic. Now, if he's not, then I will not be happy but ok w/ the seperation if she wants to work on the marriage--and no, I'm not holding my breath on this one. I thought he might be Army as well but once I find out who he is will reveal this.



Worst case, we divorce, I float my resume in VA and get hired. I retire from the AF and move very quickly. Wife will kick up her heels hard but will have nothing to say and will not see her D that often. Sad, but it will give my D stability w/ no more PCSing and I will have a chance to start a new life away from the wife. Or, I stay in the AF and PCS--not as desirable being a single Dad but it's still a good job.
Best case, we reconcile. I'll stay in and we'll plan our future together--this is what I desire of course.



I did a bit more research on this and found that it is recommended that if OM is still in picture(I still need to verify this and I will)then it is best to break contact all the way and I will.

Whew, stupid heartache. It should be a crime for the wife to do this--oh wait, it is! Ugh!

AF,

What Hoop, Kimmie Lee and Kalni said. ^

Then again, you're going to do what makes you FEEL good to do. While I can certainly UNDERSTAND that, and even do it (too often!) myself, it will NOT help you reach your goals.

Let her take you out for your birthday, and you will only extend your limbo, and enable her "normalizing" plan.

Puppy

Just got a call from the wife this morning. She called to say she wanted to be the first to wish me a happy b-day and that she was going to be painfully honest and said that she wasn't going to come home for a while but that she was going to come home. What's that crap mean? I don't know exactly how I'm supposed to react to that honestly. I mean, if you can't believe a word they say then this means nothing, right?