Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy False Hope?

I’ve been going through different kinds of online forums for my electronic gears and car forums etc. and never thought that one day I would be looking for a divorce support forum. Anyway this forum seems to have very supportive members so I’m going to try my best to share what I’m going through with my marriage and take whatever I can from you guys.

Here’s a quick background on our marriage. Married for 6 years with no children yet due to our plan of getting ourselves financially ready. We are actually getting there and we actually tried to have a baby on my last semester of school at the end of last year and we also got approved for housing loan and actually got a builder started building our new dream house. We were so close of having the life that we always have dreamed of just a few months ago. Unfortunately I found out things could change just like that. We both decided to back off the house when she lost her job before closing the house and with my guaranteed job after graduating was not guaranteed anymore due to economy downturn.


She eventually found a new job at end of 2008 that she has told me where she finally fits in and gets along with co-workers well and told me that she likes working with male managers better than female managers from her past work.

My wife has not admitted to having any affair with her supposedly mentor/manager at her new work (started Dec08) but from what I have gathered I think I have a clear picture of how she went from willing to work it out to thinking that it is not worth saving the marriage. The trial separation(week after feb14 I think) that we did was doomed when she started talking to her mentor/manager more than she needed to. I have found out from the cell call logs online that she’s been talking to this mentor/manager more frequently and sometimes lasting over an hour which she claims that her work required her to talk to him in phone a lot. Never got an explanation of deleted text messages that they’ve been sending each other. Then she told me not to call the guy or anyone at her work because she can lose her . She got so angry about my accusation and by my snooping around with her calls so next day she blocked my access to the online cellphone features.

During the separation she was staying at her parents house and In the first few weeks of separation she was actually open on seeing a counselor and told me about moving closer to her foster parents state. And then there are times that she came back home for a week or I spend the nights at her house some days. But as days goes on she all of sudden has lost the desire to make it work saying that she doesn’t know where to start now and she doesn’t want to keep on hurting me so It’ll be better for us just to end the marriage so that we can both start with a new clean slate. She said doesn’t love me anymore and that she married me for the wrong reason and told me that she has only stayed for 6 years due to the guilt that she was feeling when she confessed of a one night stand 4 months into our marriage in one of her out of the country family vacation. I forgave her and tried love her unconditionally considering her medical condition that predisposes her from impulsive behavior but I guess I made a mistake not seeing a counselor to help us deal with it properly and just kind of brush it off. From my viewpoint we have somehow turned it around and managed to save the marriage. We practically spent most times together and we seemed to be inseparable.

Second thing I found are this emails and chats with the manager that shows that she's been going to his house that when I confronted her about pushed her to the edge and finally dropped the divorce bomb. She told me that that was only ONE time and it was for her WORK again. She was so angry that she started writing agreements of who gets what who pays what and writing an agreement that I don’t interfere with her work and stuff. And I’ve agreed to the divorce that day as I am feeling that it has gone too far but the next day I felt really bad after making some progress on us trying to work it out and I messed it up made me feel like an idiot for going that far. So I apologize for what I did and told her I’m not ready for the divorce yet as I am still trying to figure out what is really going on.

**Email/chat from work with the guy**
Wife:This lady at DVI has some attitude problems. I swear.
Man:What can I do? Do we need to talk about
Wife:Nothing. Just need to share it with someone.
Wife:Do you think you can you show me or walk me through the search for unrecorded in Idea tonight? If not I'll figure it out.Thanks
Man:What time?
Wife:Whatever time works best for you. I will probably leave here at 6.
Man:I will probably be wanting to go home by then. Are you wanting to meet in the office or come to my house? I may need some encouragement to stay focused, any ideas?
Wife:Maybe your house is the most convenient for you. Thanks so much.
Man:Sounds good
**Chat with a friend**
Wife: what up
friendd: how's it going
wife: good but full of drama and goodies u?
friend: **me** dramas?
wife: yes and more boy drama Im afraid to tell u here cause **me** might check my email
friend:haha ok
wife: i changed my password but still he is a computer whiz

Finally few days later I managed to locate the address of the guy and decided one night to drive over to the guy’s house as I’m getting that gut feeling again and found her car parked in front of his house past 11pm. I wanted to knock on the door but held back as it could get ugly so drove out for a few minutes and when I came back she’s gone. And she called me few minutes later and I then made up something so I could to her face to face the next day. So I talked to her and asked her how many times has she gone into this guy’s house and she firmly said that is the only one time she went there for work so then when I knew that she was not going to tell me the truth I told her that I know that she was just there last night. So now she’s saying that they’re FRIENDS now and was just watching a movie or playing Wii WTF? Then when I told her that I was going to call the guy she begged me not to as she might lose her job and for her, her career is her life. So I figured this is the end of the straw and to make a this a clean divorce I promised her I wouldn’t do anything that can cause her job.


Next day we filed for divorce (5/15/09) and she just started crying while we’re driving to the court and telling me that she just doesn’t know where to start to try and fix our marriage. And that I can found someone better who can truly love me back and that we’ll be both happier this way. She also firmly told me that she was not cheating on me. I want to believe her but it just doesn’t add up. She has been the most honest person that I know before this so I’m really having a hard time to process this. I know she is a better person than what I think of her now. I truly love her and it just hurts so much to see her change into this totally different person. I still am having a hard time to accept all this. I’d like to think that she might just had emotional affair with this coworker but her not confessing the truth just drives me insane.
She still calls me and she is really trying hard for us to be friends. Last time I talked to her I told her that I feel that there is still some kind of hope for our marriage. Am I a fool to think that there is still hope for this marriage? Or someone just need to hammer it to my head? I guess this is it for now I might have left out some stuff out but I’ll fill it in, thanks for reading.

It sounds like an affair to me, given all you have said, and no I do not buy that someone goes to a mans house until 11pm for work advice, nor do I think going to his house to play wii and watch tv is a very strong indication of a "professional" relationship.

It might drive you insane that she wont admit the truth but to do so would have serious ramifications for her if she wanted to have a new R with this man wouldnt it.

have you told any of these concerns to her family, if not why not..

and have you actually thought about calmly simply asking this man outright

I say this to you for the following reasons: anyone HAVING an affair doesnt really deserve for it not to come out one way or another, and if they choose to start a R while married then they are going to have to live with that...

and also, if your that desperate for the "answer" you might find that man is all to happy to furnish you with it. Before you ask him tho remember this: do it calmly. AND: decide if you can accept the truth from him if its ugly without going off like a fire cracker, which would solve nothing.

A lot of people would tell you those things are confrontational but in my experience an affair DOES need to be confronted head on in the early days if you want any hope whatsoever of stopping it from progressing.

Asking the man outright is going to cause two things: shes gonna be angry at you but heres the important thing for you: its going to make it dreadfully awkward for her isnt it. Dont you think it might be about time she felt awkward? let her explain away her unfeeling unloving husband to the OM once you've asked him about an affair bc it matters to you to know; and lets just see how comfortable the OM is in that sitation. hes a human being, and even if he loves your wife he may very well be a man who doesnt like the unsavoury turn this has taken.... all to your advantage

as for accusations of spying, since when is it a bad thing or a silly thing to start spying on a spouse that is potentially cheating on you? um thats just normal so getting outraged about it is her beef, no one else would blame you and i bet she'd do the same in your shoes. so yanno, kettle... pot... black

I do not think you are a FOOL to love your wife and wish for some hope, why would you be a fool for being a loving human being?? your not weak, your just a man in love who is trying to fight for his marriage, this isnt something for you to feel 'foolish' about.

we already know shes having the emotional affair now dont we, thats so obvious so all your after is confirmation is it physical... you have a right to find that answer and seek it out, for your own peace of mind, so dont feel like a rat - your her HUSBAND. also it could affect the divorce sorry to get practical, but yea you do have a right to know what caused it

I would definitely go about finding your answers and not feel a bit guilty about it, but I do think going honestly to the source is better off than skulking about at nights or stuff like that, thats just going to do your head in. just ASK him. if he says no straight away, and it seems a lie, just remain calm and say something like "i am not out to kill you or go after you, id just appreciate knowing whats going on here, I hope your MAN enough to tell me the truth, I hope you never find yourself in M situation". and let him chew on that. if he still insists on no, then say "ok fine well at the very least its inappropriate isnt it, what does your WORKPLACE THINK OF THIS".

frankly its not right and mostly not looked lightly upon for anyone in a "mentor" role to be having it off with a junior collegue and if you dont want to address that your NUTS. its a big deal. yes I would consider at least TELLING him and your wife your seriously considering reporting the matter to the company concerned. its not very professional.

good luck in all you do.

I don't know that I would bring her family into it. I know if I were screwing up, bringing my family into it would just make me hate myself more and I would kill the messenger.

I think she's having horrible guilt issues.

I would, as the next step, make it obvious you are a better man then this jerk, bc you are.
The good news is this will blow up.

I'm not opposed though to you calling this dude and simply saying--I don't know what you and my wife are talking about. I do know she and I are having some problems and I would appreciate it if you could back off just a bit and keep it professional only. If my marriage is going to fail, do you really want to be a part of that? I would rather know, she and I alone couldn't make it work--I don't want to wonder what if this other person didn't exist? Could we have made it then?"

Appeal to him being respectful of your marriage, your wife and you.

You do have a lot of questions and very few answers at this point.

Be careful not to do or say anything while upset.

Be cool, you can do this.

I strongly disagree with this. If NOTHING is going on, you will look like a fool, and if SOMETHING is going on (and I believe it is) then you are asking a PREDATOR to be respectful and honorable.

Ain't gonna happen.

If he wants to confront someone, he should confront his WIFE. But only after he has hard proof.
Puppy

Oh sure talk to her too, but if you do have solid proof, I would say something to that person too. Lots of folks here have come to find out the OM/OW had no idea the person they were getting to know was married. And when they found out backed off.

But each sitch is different for sure.

Your call.

Puppy - I totally agree with you on this. In my stich, OW's H made this appeal to my H. Just made my H more determined to bump things up with OW. OW had fed H with such "woe is me" junk about her H and her marriage that my H felt more determined to defend her and just added more hatred toward her H.

SueS

Besides the other person in an affair isn't going to care one bit about you and your marriage. They just want what they want and don't care who gets hurt along the way. Who cares why they "think" they are doing it?

kat

All very true possible outcomes. I still think it's possible the OW/M can be spoken to, but each situation is very unique while very common.

I tried to appeal to the OW's H, but they were in the midst of a separation, so I dont knwo that anything ever came of it. If nothing else, I hope that it gave him ammo in their D process.

Fightingfit thanks for the advice. No disrespect with her biologic parents but with their relationship with their daughter is not where she would listen to their advices and I know for a fact that they will NOT make a difference if I told them. They left her at a young age due to divorce and left her with her foster parents so she doesn’t really turn to them for advices. She just started having relationship with them when I made her moved to where I’m at 6 years ago and at that time her parents were getting back together. I’ve talked to her foster parent who is living out of state who she really treats as a real parent but not the extent of what I know now.


Anyway so 10pm today I did a drive by to that guys house and her car was there. I was going to call her up and just let it out at that moment but unfortunately I left my cell phone so drove back home and got my cell phone but by the time I got back she is gone already. So while driving back home I already made up my mind that this marriage is not worth saving and I wouldn’t take this BS anymore and I deserve to be treated better than this and already made up my mind that if she doesn’t confess she leaves me no choice of calling the guy and calling her work to let them know of the relationship brewing with her mentor and her that would put her career on the line.

So when I got home I called her wanting to let it all out but then she mentioned that she wanted to stop by Friday after work to pick up some of her stuff so I figured that it’ll be better to tell talk to her face to face of what I’m planning on doing. So I held back and just talked to her about my job interview tomorrow and she was very supportive about it and giving me advices. So we had a pretty calm conversation.

Now I know for a fact and no doubt what has caused this marriage breakdown. She has developed some kind of relationship with this mentor/manager. She has told me one time when we’re still in good terms and after the fact I confronted her about the phone calls that she wanted to change her mentor to someone else that she has worked with, I guess she realized at that time that she needed to stop talking to this guy but that never materialized and that something later on must have happened that she feels like that she could never tell me so ending the marriage is her only option way out.

So Friday I’m planning on talking to her and straighten this out. I really don’t want to do or say something that I will regret later. I think now I have accepted that this marriage is over and that I need to move on and just have her deal with the guilt for as long as she can of not confessing what really has happened if that’s her choice. As much as I would like to get back at her I think the best way to deal with this is just let it go and accept what it is and not do something that would just create more problems. I’m thinking of cooking her a nice dinner onn friday and just try to talk to her as calmly as possible as I tell her what I feel.

I think the little hope that I have right now for this marriage is gone now. Thanks for the inputs guys.
Any encouragement would be appreciated thanks.