Remember ME....when you begin to lose all hope that you and your H will reconcile....Remember ME.
When you think your Hs heart is cold as ice towards you...Remember Me
When you think he doesn't love you anymore...Remember Me
When you think you've made a fatal back step....Remember Me
When you think there is no 'going back'....Remember Me
Remember that after June 21, 2002 MY world fell apart. That for weeks on end I neither saw nor spoke to my H after throwing him out. I considered homicide and suicide over the next few weeks following that day. I beat myelf up, tore my H to shreds in my mind then rode the nightmarish roller coaster that we all get put upon for months and months on end. I looked in my Hs face and saw complete and utter distain for me. I listened to the crisp and hardened words he spoke. I saw a stranger that looked like my H but the man inside his skin was totally alien to me. THAT MAN didn't love me, didn't acknowledge me or the years we'd been together (more than 20), to THAT MAN I was the root of all evil that had stiffled his life, left him feeling cold and alone in the world...I was that man's enemy. The months that have past since June of 2002 have seemed endless. They've been unexplicably painful, but slowly, very slowly the darkness that surrounded my life, and HIS, has begun to lift. Shards of light are breaking in all around us. HOPE has returned, shakey on it's feet, but it's here. So when YOU think you're covered in eternal darkness in your R....remember Me, because I WAS THERE....BUT, here I am today, standing in the light, with a man that just a few short months ago, was a complete and total stranger.
T2
My Gosh, T2... how awesome a post is that? I don't know who you were before all of this started... but you are one fabulous human being now... I can't wait to read your future posts... and watch you grow closer to your H, building a better relationship than you ever though you would have... and I hope to follow right after you. You and Annette are my heros right now. I know you are Jewish, but this Christian is going to keep you in my prayers.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
There are however two answers to it really. One is YES, you're married, but NOT to the man you're dealing with today. And NO, the man that stands before you today, bringing pain and heartache to your life, IS NOT the man you married.
Your M like all of ours on this board is floating in the abyss between here and gone. Your M is caught up in the whirling tornado of your husband's emotional chaos, and until the force of that great and powerful whirling confusion that owns him lets go...he will spin and twist a destructive path through his life and yours. BUT, when the madness is over and he's thrown harshly to the ground...it's YOU he'll look to to rescue him from himself.
The question for all of us LBSs...is can we be there, when they fall? T2
T2, Another awesome post, as usual, but I think Cathy meant YOU and HER are not married are you... because she answered you with all the I WILLs... Sheez...
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You are my inspiration, also. What you wrote yesterday, “Remember Me” I’m going to recreate and frame it as a reminder…that was great!
Even though I was enlightened by your insights, things are still the same. H came over last night, H was trying to find fault with something I did. The downspout along our back garage was crushed in, I ran into a few months ago with the lawnmower and H wanted to know how I did that…at first I couldn’t remember that I did it then remembered it was during the summer and he’s just noticing now. He said any idiot would notice and so when I walked out to look, I made myself look like an idiot…H got mad and said he was leaving…geez, but did stay. When he first got there, he couldn’t decide if he was staying or leaving, trying to say things to get a reaction. He was like a bouncing ball.
He did go with me to pick up a new TV and stand for the TV. I could not lift the TV or stand so he had me call our neighbor over to help. Neighbor was more than happy to come over and help, in fact his wife said she was glad I called because she’s had to call for help in the past. So neighbor wanted to know if we watched TV down there and I said I was transitioning us down there and also it’s a great place for football parties. H didn’t say a word.
H asked me where old TV was going and I said upstairs in the bedroom, he smiled and said no it’s not, I said yes it is. He did take it up there, I should have said “our” bedroom, but didn’t.
He then fixed the sliding glass door in the lower level so that it shut tighter. I had to go down there so he could show me what he did in case there was a fire. I said I hope there’s not a fire.
I tried to give him a hug and kiss at one point, but he pushed me away. At first I was hurt, it was a jerky thing to do and then remember he’s a “child” and then I didn’t feel so bad and got over it.
Then it was time for bed for S, I asked if H was going to lay with S and H said why should I the last couple of times you went to bed anyway. I didn’t tell him why, should I have? I went to bed because he never says goodbye, basically he gets ready and leaves and we don’t talk or anything so what’s the point of staying up?
He did bring the downspout up again on the garage, but I kind of made light of and we did laugh about it eventually.
He did mention something to S about taking him in the woods on Saturday to put up tree stands. I'm going to at least offer my assistance, H really cannot do it on his own and I don't know if S19 will think to call nor will H call him.
I did read somewhere that in MLC, spouse is the first target and then children...which makes perfect sense when I think about how mean he is towards S19.
YOU are an adult and NO ONE is permitted to speak to you in a demeaning manner AND that includes your MLC H.
As you said, spouses become the primary target of MLCer's angst and anger BUT that doesn't mean WE have to stand there and take it.
They say one of the things our WASs want us to do is show some backbone and independance of them. Partly I guess because in their minds they believe they were drowning in responsibility to us for which they were not being acknowledged (Patted on the back constantly etc).
It sounds like your H needs put in his place. Do NOT allow your H to call you names. The next time he calls you and idiot or in any way demeans you, ORDER him out of your HOME. Do it calmly, simply say, "H, I will NOT allow you to speak to me in that manner EVER again. Please leave NOW, and the next time I see you DO NOT make the mistake of speaking like that to me again for any reason." And go to the door, hold it open for him without another word and let him leave.
DO NOT allow yourself to be his whipping post. Standing your ground will not scare him off for good believe me. But YOU must begin setting your personal boundaries with him AND you have to be firm about them.
When he accuses you of ANYTHING, ignore him DO NOT feed into his remards with any response, he is ONLY trying to get a rise out of you, just like a child.
The next time he calls to say he's coming over, you could say, "Alright H, I look forward to seeing you BUT before you come, I want to warn you, that if you speak to me or act towards me in a disrespectful manner while you're here, you will immediately be asked to leave. I want very much to spend time with you BUT NOT at the expense of my self esteem."
I NEVER allowed any disrespectful comments or undeserved anger directed at me by my H go unchallenged. I immediately called him on those things. Several times I'd say to him, "Don't be mad at me. Your problem is in the mirror, not in ME." I always threw it back in his lap and I did it calmly and firmly. AND it worked.
Just a thought.
T2
So the 2x4 is it covered with Charmin? Maybe just one layer....
I've been working on this, but maybe not strongly enough. He's heard me say not to call me names, but maybe it hasn't come through loud and/or clear enough.
Quote: They say one of the things our WASs want us to do is show some backbone and independance of them. Partly I guess because in their minds they believe they were drowning in responsibility to us for which they were not being acknowledged (Patted on the back constantly etc).
I am definitely doing this...I can take care of myself and for the most always have. I have lots of resources for pretty much anything that comes along and when it comes right down to it, I really don't need him to do anything if he doesn't want to, but it's our house and it should be his responsbility.
Quote: DO NOT allow yourself to be his whipping post. Standing your ground will not scare him off for good believe me.
In thinking back over the last six months, the times that I did stand up to him and tell him I didn't care what he did, just leave the house, I'm changing myself for me not for you. I did tell him okay yell one night, right after he called me stupid that I was not stupid and to never call me stupid again!! And, that was the night that he ended up coming back and saying he "would sleep in the basement" I was so stunned I didn't know what to say and said something that made him head back out the door...I think I said something like "what about OW" and that's when he turned around and left without a word. That happened about a month after he left. The two other times that I really blew up at him, that I really thought I had totally blown it, he came back and didn't carry through on any of his threats.
Maybe the time has come for me to put my foot down, to say no more.
He'll say it's his house if I tell him to leave and then not leave...he is paying for half of the expenses.
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