I have been reading stories on hear for about a week and have read DR trying to learn what to do to save my marriage but I feel that it may be to late with all the information I am finding out this week. I look forward to hearing from everyone in guiding me through what I need to do to get my WAW to hopefully change her mind.
I am 38 year old male and my wife is 31 years old. We have been married 5.5 years. It has been good and bad. The first years were good, the middle years were tough (previous affair by wife, house was broken into and we moved family which lead to a later bankruptcy because we couldn't pay mortgage and rent and all the bills). The last year and a half have not been so good. Wife has been questioning things for a long time and we had some talks. I told her that I would address her concerns and try to change but I never seemed to get to changing or trying which I believe is what caused her to walk-away because I believe there is so much resentment and anger and she does not believe me that I will change.
Her concerns were my relationship with my step-son. It has been OK but I now see after a month and a half of separation that it could have been better. He is 15 yrs old. She has always had a concern but I told her that in some ways I am still learning how to be a good father. My father was not around during my teen years because of a divorce. I understand that I need to be more active in his life.
Another concern is the lack of intimacy and spontaneous. This is another thing that I understand now and where I made mistakes after reading DR and some other relationship books. I always believed that we enjoyed each other when we had sex but I guess I did not initiate it enough, which really bothered her.
She has been trying for a long time to get me to change but I see now that there were problems on both sides. One thing that really hurt us was being on different shifts for work. I was always afraid to initiate sex because I knew she needed her rest.
After reading DR, I understand that I may have been a depressed spouse after going through a lot of these issues in the last few years and that also the fear of losing her may have prevented me from acting in addressing her concerns. I believe that over time of not reacting, I really pushed her away.
Now, she is in an affair with OM. She said that she wants a divorce which I believe will be getting filed in two weeks. I think she is planning on moving within three months with OM. She will be giving up a great job also. I also believe that she is planning a wedding in the not to distance future.
She told me that the affair started at the end of February as an EA. Based on phone records, that looks accurate. I believe the physical affair started at the beginning of April when she said she wanted to end our relationship. Two weeks later, she took off her wedding ring. She got a separate phone because I freaked out over her sending over 1500 text messages.
I believe she is running away as fast as she can because she cannot deal with the pain she has caused and that she said she is done and does not want to give me any more chances because she does not believe I will change.
We still live together for now for economic reasons but she wants me to move out. I do not want to and want to work things out. I understand what happened and I forgive her but she will not forgive me. There is very little communication lately. I have been trying to practice DR ideas since I was doing everything wrong in the first three weeks of separation. Sometimes she will sleep in the bed and sometimes on the couch but there is not physical relationship. I would like there to be one but I do not want to push her anymore.
Please give me your guidance. Should I leave her a heart-felt letter telling what I have learned about myself and our relationship? I have not done that yet but I need her to know. I have not said anything about our R in three weeks. I know that I cannot do it face-to-face because I am too emotional.
Please help. If I only have a few months, I need to react now!
First of all, don't leave the house. If she's that unhappy, then she should be the one to leave.
Second, don't take all of the stuff she's dishing about it all being your fault. Nobody "forced" her into an A. It was her choice and decision. All WASs like to blame their spouses for their indiscretions. It makes it easier for them to not accept responsibility and blame.
Third, start detaching from your W. She doesn't care for anything that you do anyway and there's nothing you can do to change her mind. You can't control her actions, so you do what you can and control your own.
Sorry to see that you're here with the rest of us, but don't lose heart. You'll find a number of success stories here and great people to help you through this bad time.
stuck
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for your response and support. I am trying to learn from everyone on here and their stories.
I was doing good the last two weeks until I came upon some stuff that she left out. This is where I discovered she is planning on moving, filing for D, and making out a wedding list. This is too much to handle. I want to tell her she is making a mistake, but I know that will not help and she is probably very confused and her emotions are racing. I also don't want to bring it up because she will think I am snooping unless she left this stuff out on the table on purpose.
I just wish I could talk to her and let her know what I now understand about mistakes we both made and that we can fix it if she believes.
Does anyone think I should write her a letter and let her know how I feel and what I have learned?
We both work together and recently started to work on the same shift which I thought would help us; however, she announced the separation right after. Most people at work think we have a great relationship and are very happy. They do not know what is going on. I have only talked to 2 close friends at work. I do not think she has told anybody yet. I think she would feel bad because everyone thinks that I am a great guy.
The other day we were working in the same area and I was going to break. I nodded her way but did not say anything to her. Someone else noticed this and said to her that they sensed tension. She did not like this and said something to me that night at home. I responded by saying "so it is OK for you not to talk to me at home and act like everything is OK at work and I am supposed to be OK with this". She did not say anything. I also have noticed that she looks my way if we are in the same area and smiles but if we are on the same break, she will go somewhere else and not want anything to do with me.
You have a right to be going crazy. Either you can deal with it or you can't. Knowing your wife is having an affair is torture.
Read Smileysperson's thread. You can get your dignity back and take care of yourself and rediscover your own worth WHILE she is doing whatever it is she is doing.
But, you always have the right to say enough and tell her whatever you want to tell her. It will probably do NOTHING to compel her to change course but you need to do what you need to do.
Best thing is to read these threads. Go to the infidelity thread.
No one can fix it for you (I'm still trying for that). You are going to have to buck up and get really committed to taking care of you.
No, no other kids. I have noticed that her S has really pulled away from me in the last few weeks since she told him that I would be leaving because we were not getting along. I am not sure if he really knows what is going on. I think he may. They left for two days this past weekend and had packed some bags. I am guessing that they probably went to the OM house.
It really sucks because over the last 6 months or so, I truly believe the bond between the S and I was getting better. Now, I don't know if I should just stay away or if I should try to stay close to him.
Well, I am NO expert. But, I think he may be the one who should be the recipient of a letter and too bad if she doesn't like it. That is assuming you care about him and want him to know that this has nothing to do with him etc. Maybe write it and post it on here for some feedback. Obviously, you shouldn't step on her toes or badmouth her but I think you can say your peace to him.
If she is taking him with her to OM than she is really f'ing with him. What can you live with? What is your bottom line? Most people here say don't leave the house. Can you see a lawyer just to get an idea of what your rights are? Your self-care MUST come first now. I know it sucks but it will help. Exercise, write, read, do things you've always wanted to do and really see a lawyer so you don't feel so vulnerable (and she doesn't need to know).
I did talk to him about 3 weeks ago. I became very emotional and told him that I loved him, something I probably should have done more often. I told him that I will miss him and this is not his fault. I also told him that I didn't want to leave. It seems that after I talked to him and he talked to his mom, she seemed to start to accelerate her actions. Maybe, he stood up for me, not sure.
I was working out, reading, going to the movies, golfing in the last couple of weeks but the last 4 days have been very rough and I have barely left the house except for work.
I hate the fact that we live in the same place and have little or no communication. She does not even seem like the same person I fell in love with. I can see the stress in her actions and on her face.
