My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!! He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression. His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce. Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped. I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all! Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation! These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!! Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
Welcome to one of the best places to be during the most tumultuous time in your life.
Take a deep breath.. exhale and do it a few more times. Getting oxygen rich blood cells to your brain does wonders for your thought process.
You have no control over your spouse, only your own actions. His radical emtional swings based on taking the meds or their absence makes it difficult to work on a solid foundation. Him moving out of his parents house is good. Having the tattoo removed sounds like a statement.
People are there for you. Learning to ask for help is what is hard, at least I know it was for me. Look up Divorce Care, Divorce Support groups in your area. You aren't alone.
It sounds like you're proactive in taking care of yourself and your children. Children model after their parents. If you move forward in a positive way, so will they.
Don't worry about fixing him. Work on yourself first and the rest will follow.
Do you think he did it (the tatoo) to get a reaction out of me? I haven't reacted to any of the things he has been doing now for the last 2 weeks?
In the beginning I was crying and pleading to make our marriage work then I got angry and when he would do things to get a reaction he did. I would call or text him telling him off.
He is not use to me not reacting. Trying to follow the rules....no contact.
No one is an expert in this. It's like being blindfolded and told to guess what things are by touch alone. You don't always get it right.
Your spouse is doing what he's doing for himself, no one else. In a perfect world people in relationships would be able to say what they felt and meant outright. Actually, it's a great goal to strive toward.
This is a time for you to get healthy in mind, body and spirit. Reality is never as bad as what you imagine it to be.
He left because he has issues which are exacerbated by whether or not he takes his meds.
This is a time to look at what you need in a relationship, remove the negatives and set your boundaries.
You told him that you'd give him what he wanted. Yet what do you need? An emotionally and mentally stable spouse. Could that be a boundary?
Take those steps one at a time. Talk to your counselor about what the most constructive steps you can take. The meaning of love during this time of emotional crisis evolves.
Ms. Lost: As a mule-headed, stubborn, overly analytical, entirely too critical, nearly perfectly cynical, Dumb-A** Man Left Behind Spouse who has benefited repeatedly and often from Gypsy's interventions in my threads, let me simply say....
Keep breathing.. those long deep breaths. Oxygen to the brain helps your thought processes incredibly.
Take care of you. Take care of the children. Define and implement healthy boundaries. When my spouse would start screaming at me on the phone I learned to hang up. When I would get to the point where my emotions were ready to blow I'd say "Gotta go!" and hang up.
I'm in counseling and on antidepressants to try to cope with everything. I haven't been myself since this happened!! Just want to gain the weight back that I lost (way too much). So am doing that, eating better and back to cleaning house again. I know they aren't big things but I couldn't do anything for 4 months, just didn't care! I'm going to get my hair done on Wed. It needs it big time!! LOL
I'm just so confused now because he has been calling....don't know if he wants my daughter or he's calling because he is in contempt of court for not going to her counseling appointments. I don't want him mad and push him further away but I have no say in the matter!!
He will blame me for it though!! His depression has him so clouded, he is the one that went to court for vistitation rights etc. and now he is ruining it on himself!!! I would have let her go with him whenever she wanted!! But I think the parents (his) pushed him to go to court for it!!
Gypsy, this is awful!!! I don't think there is any hope that he will ever come to his senses!!! His step-mother is running the show!! I said it from the beginning, and everyone told me once he moves out of there which was 2 weeks ago yesterday he will realize!!! Well, at the hearing he didn't even go in, his step-mother did!!!! She gave me a look that could have killed me!! Then in the hearing his lawyer said to the judge and my lawyer that their finished!!! He doesn't want to see his daughter either!! When the judge asked for an explanation to why he doesn't want to see her his lawyer used some kind of legal babel, not having to give an explanation!!!
How could he do this to his own daughter??? I know that the step-mother had something to do with this mess from the beginning!!! Her and his father have been with him at every hearing!!! What man at his age takes them to handle or to be with him??? I'm such a mess that I didn't come into work again after the hearing and stayed on the couch all weekend!!!
I read the report that the counselor sent in and it said that our daughter was concerned with his mental stabilty and so on. I know that our daughter has been saying Daddy's not Daddy so now I don't know what to think!!! Don't know whether to think he is mad at our daughter or what the hell is going on!
Oh, also the report said that they wanted to know what Dr. prescribed the Zoloft for him and what Dr. told him he could stop taking it. So I don't know if they didn't want to admit it or what. I just don't understand any of this!!!
Any insight would be greatful!!! I'm losing all hope because of the parents being involved!! They are the type to just keep pushing the divorce and all of this and I know he thinks they love him and I know his father does but I also know that the step-mother doesn't!!! She is sooo controlling and only her daughters ever counted since the day I met her not any of my father-in-laws children!!!
My husband is the only one that speaks to them out of 4 children, plus one of her daughters doesn't allow her to control her so they butt heads all of the time!!
I just can't believe how much I'm hurting right now!! It's getting worse instead of better!!
