fb2, I meant, when you are in a Marriage it's a choice, a decision to make sure love doesnt die, to "maintain" it. When it's gone, no matter what I chose 7 months ago, no matter how hard I am trying to convince me it's there, I cant do it. Maybe if he helped back then, it would be different but even when he is nice now, and we ...hug for example (not very often as you know), my inside is dead. It feels good to be hugged, I suspect I would feel good if anyone hugged me at this point, but no, I dont feel anything special for him. He is family, my H, the guy I know so well, the guy I used to be crazy about. Maybe he is not teh same anymore either. Who knows?
Rob, mish,jeff, kat (yes we will be fine), fb2, I am calm, I am ok. I think the fact that he is nicer/warmer to me this week and I still feel nothing made it a bit clearer... K
"Everybody says, "you know when you are done". I agree with that when the partner shows no interest."
I don't know that this is true. Even if the partner is "interested" people still make the choice to be "done". It happens all the time. I still think it comes back to that "inner voice". Some where is all "this" there is almost a turning point in your life. You can feel it.. and you know its the right thing to do. The reasons for the choice run the gamut of possibility's.
I ponder why you are "fighting" so hard to not "WA". If your bond is to your kids and keeping some semblance of "family".. what do you loose in being D? Could you not be more of a "family" than you are right now?
"in general the time together is flat but easy and familiar?"
Some people would die for just that. Flat and Familiar. Some people enjoy just that. If you asked 10 newcomers here if they would rather have where they are now.. or flat and familiar.. what would you guess the response would be? It again is about perspective and how you "see" things. People.. again.. are very consistent with what they do and why they them. The old saying of "Go with what you know." This could be comfortable for him.. or he could be stringing you along. From an outside view.. I think he is comfortable. He has had a difficult time expressing what he really wants because he is/has been uncomfortable.
"On the other hand I can see he is doing what he knows. 2 years ago, I would be happy for him being calm and agreeing to attend family gatherings etc. I would be appreciative, I would be content. Now, all I can think of is, "What a fool have I been? How on earth, after having lived an exciting, full life, did I accept that status?"
I had to LOL a bit at this.. here I am going thru the post and BAM.. you just wrote out exactly what I am saying. People never believe me when I say I do this on the fly. Lets see whats next.
"I know I have been tiring you all with this. It's abeen a long time. But I have no clue what to do. And I am not anymore, worried, stressed, panicking about being alone. I am ok with that. Hey, I am already living ALONE TWO F@CKING years!!!!...."
The interesting part is that when you were under the effect's of the "bomb" you were more "appealing". You were more vibrant. To me that was the true you. I still can't really understand what went "wrong" when he said "I want back in". You should not have changed.. and yet somehow you did. It was a slow slide and I remember all the stuff that came along with him saying those words. It still points to the fact that you can stand out and pull just about anyone you want to you. Someone (SC I think) once said.. Life gives us multiple chances to screw up.. so we can get it right. I mean things have "changed" for you.. but have they really "changed".. or do you feel like you are back at square one?
"Should I just tell him that I am not in love with him and what my dillema is?"
I don't know that "telling" him anything will work. I am fairly sure that he knows what your dilemma is.. but he can't fix it.
The novel idea would be to show him. You still have to make the choice of what.. you are going to show him.
He can "see" you walking away just as clear as he can "see" you sitting there.
"Everybody says, "you know when you are done"."
That applies to him to.. I mean what if you getting up and walking away sparks something in him?
What if's.. ???
You still have to make the choice of where you are going. It sucks and it is hard... but that won't change.
We are here to support you.. and your choices.. whatever they may be. I might fight you about those choices.. cause that is what I do.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
The interesting part is that when you were under the effect's of the "bomb" you were more "appealing". You were more vibrant. To me that was the true you. I still can't really understand what went "wrong" when he said "I want back in". You should not have changed.. and yet somehow you did. It was a slow slide and I remember all the stuff that came along with him saying those words. It still points to the fact that you can stand out and pull just about anyone you want to you. Someone (SC I think) once said.. Life gives us multiple chances to screw up.. so we can get it right. I mean things have "changed" for you.. but have they really "changed".. or do you feel like you are back at square one?"
Thanks Cory.(Did you see I send a message to FB calling him a F@cking Guru? LOL Sorry fb2...)
You are sooo right about this. Ever since he said he wants back, I felt like drugged in the mud again. I cant explain it. His biorythms are so slow, my behavior is so difefrent when he is around. It's like his presence, his wants, his way of operating all these years put me in a box, against my fun self. I have said here before that a friend at work told me once after going on vacation together with our families that to her it was shocking how I am not the same person when he is around. I lose my humor, my mojo, my wit, my sexy side. The exact things that attracted him in the first place to me. How is that possible? I dont know.
The only thing I can think of is I expect myself to be the "man" when I am around him and I have to be serious and trustworthy and on duty. I feel like I cant be feminine and lighthearted and fun. Everything is so flat with him. NO excitement, no desires, nothing. And it only took him weeks to get me back to this uncomfortable place again.
You should see the way I dress. Last summer I was all dresses, make up, high heels, slim, shinning. This week I got fed up wearing pants all the time and tried to bring that "style" back. People at work immediately noticed. He is not around to notice but even if he does, he never comments. So, BECAUSE I am such a dork, subconcioulsy, I think I have no reason to do all these things since he never compliments me (see my LL) ignoring the fact that I feel better when I do. I "caught" that one lately and changing it already. (Today I got several compliments on making my eyes stand out more with make up )
I think we 've been stuck in these roles for so long, its automatic now when we are in the same room. He brings out the worst in me. Excuse me for using cheesy phrases, but around him, I am like a dying flower, when I am alone or with someone that I feel appreciates me, I blossom. And that cant be good. M
But do you think maybe he feels dried out because you feel dried out and on and on. Do the things that make you fell vibrant and sexy and fun whether he will be there or not. You are doing this for you and to blame him for bringing you down is crazy. It is a mindset. You have said this before "We mirror each other". So let's see what happens after a while of "watered" Maria being around.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hmmm.... perhaps a lot of people would be happy with flat and familiar. I could have (or at least could have had) flat and familiar, with the occasional outburst of anger. But I couldn't do it. I know where our favorite Greek is coming from.
)
Excuse me for using cheesy phrases, but around him, I am like a dying flower, when I am alone or with someone that I feel appreciates me, I blossom. And that cant be good.