Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--the saga goes on

Following @Phoenix's 4x4:

Many people are familiar with this quote by the 16th-century English metaphysical poet, George Herbert: "Living well is the best revenge."

Fewer indeed know the context in which that "revenge" is situated -- "He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach Heaven, for everyone has need to be forgiven."

Go ahead with yer Bad Self -- get your revenge. Forgive and live well.

John,
As you can see you will get many different views on how you should proceed. What I think some are not clear on is what you want when this is over...my advice is based on you want your wife back at home and will do what you have to do to make that happen.

That is why I think you need to expose...not to punish. Until the affair is over and her living in the apartment there is not much you can do other than to expose if you want this over. There are no guarantees...you could wake up in the morning and decide you are finished.

Yes many are correct in the biblical sense that you should forgive and move on. Adultry is one of the few reasons God has given permission for divorce...not in any way trying to bring religion into this situation...not for any PC reasons. It is just not time right now. I would like to see you get back into church with you daughter and wife when this is over...again, a personal desision.

The prep for the divorce is important...you can always stop it it up to the last minumte and could always remarry later so that doesn't mean your marriage is over forever if you don't want it to be...although use your smarts to think.

Nothing wrong with you going dark...it has nothing to do with strength although you will need it...it is to force your W to acknowledge what her life will be like with you not in it at all and a part time daughter.

These are tools for you to use to get back together not to punish...if you feel that anger and revenge is controlling your decisions then please take a break from everything for a few days. School should be out soon...time for a road trip for you and daughter to visit her grandparents?

Take care,

V/R

Puppy,



Yeah, maybe. Was that what he was shooting for? It sounded like the hurt boy that wasn't going to play anymore. He said it wasn't going dark...it was no contact ever again (of course that's just reactive...if she was banging at his down begging for him to take her back I doubt his "no contact" policy would hold). At this point, with a wife that's cheating (or probably is), I'd probably try to achieve the I don't want you back attitude without resorting to no contact. If that's what it takes for him to get there...then maybe he should go dark for a month. He could always start looking at the other fish in the sea (without fishing). When your mind is on other options, it's easy to detach....and she'll feel the detachment.

True.

Ok, I see your point on this and I'm basically trying to figure out a way to be more effective in my approach based on what info I have right now. With my daughter in the mix it is more difficult to go dark as there are times when discussions are warranted about her future although not as often as they should be happening.

John,
Have you had the time to sit and really think about what you want to do? The shock of this happening so fast after your return from Iraq should have worn off by now...not that it hurts any less. Often it is human nature to want what we cannot have.

I guess I am asking do you really want her back because you love her or do you want her back because she left and it is a "pride" thing to get her back.

Many men and women find it hard to get over this and spend years being miserable before admitting this and divorcing...the only thing worse than doing this at 39 is doing it again at 49.

Something to think about...again, exposure and filing for divorce is not about punishment. You have a moral obligation to protect your daughter and your wife.

Going dark is not about no contact. It is no more sleep-overs, supper, email chats, etc...it is clearly defining what you will discuss and nothing else...she is not free to show up unanounced at your house, store her stuff, etc. You need a parenting plan that states what days your D is with her and you. This also allows you to make plans to get on with your life and gives your daughter stability. If you can separate your money then do so...you are not going to get a windfall during a divorce...no need to drag this out waiting for her to agree to "'give you everything" uncontested. I am not sure about Fl but most states will not let either one of you "deal" away CS during a divorce...and I hope that doesn't become an issue...that money is to feed, clothe, and shelter for her.

Forget revenge...even when you win you lose...Phoenix and PDT are correct...detach. Separate everything to include the cell she is paying for...is she on the house note? That is usually the biggest problem for most. You should schedule a meeting to clarify who pays for what, who takes care of daughter, can you start a college fund, etc then you get that established and then you tell her it is for your health you feel it is best you don't see/talk for a while.


Ok?

Think of your plan, write it down, post here for review, tweak it and follow...

V/R

'Do whatever it takes to stay together. It will work out in the end.'


I pray this works for you...otherwise you would not be here.



V/R

I have. I have a plan ready to execute in the event this ends in divorce. The wife won't like it very much because it involves my leaving the area fairly quickly but oh well, she is choosing this.



Yeah, I think the shock is finally starting to wear off. It still hurts but at least I'm functioning a little better.
And you're right, I do want something I can't have at this point but it was mine and I want it again to do better.


I thought about this too. I wasn't miserable and I don't think for a second that she was either. If she truly was miserable, the why is she calling me, why is having all these reservations about actually following through w/ the divorce, etc?



I spoke w/ my friend last night. He made contact w/ his source and said he should have a name and type of vehicle the OM drives in a matter of days. I will then verify if OM is visiting the wife. I'll do a couple of drivebys during the week.

Hoop,
I'm not discounting anything you say. I'm still hoping for the miracle in my life though. Your advice has kept me focused and given me different things to think about when the time is right to execute.

I'll do almost anything but I will not beg, sacrifice my self respect(although I have in the past) or sacrifice my daughter's well-being to save my marriage.

I pray this works out as well--I pray constantly.

Prayin' for ya too, John.

Pup