Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Mindblank #4 - Can I borrow some meds?

you really think that??

I bet if you found out he was having an affair you'd detach...

misery is defined lots of ways...

lets see..you guys are fianancially ok, roof over your head, kids seem to be ok..lots of extra cirricular activities..husband is coming home to those it appears..both of you appear to have good health

wow..I know a guy here..who..

1. his wife moved out in fall of 07...2. he came here in spring 08..May I think....3. his eldest D has been in all kinds of trouble, moved away from both parents..4. His W acted like she was going to reconcile on numerous occasions..even screwed him 2 or 3 times..5. even promised Retroville...6. he lost his job in march 09 7. he's in he middle of bankruptcy, foreclosure now.. 8. he had to go back to school in order to get a new job..

that's misery..

Love is a choice..detachment is a choice..if you think that either of those are not choices..then you have a long ways to go..

horse chitt you can't choose to detach..

Mike, are you for hire to come bind and gag me when I want to do something like this?

Sam... you make some very good points. He doesn't fit neatly into the MLC box, but projects a lot of the attitude/actions. The disconnection from friends and family is part of that, huh?

I really would like to confide in someone, but it will take some courage to do so. I couldn't even really speak to the marriage counselor. I just sat and cried. It got me nowhere, and I thought the guy was a total creep.

Your idea of being able to detach after there's been a good time with him is a thought. Probably plays into my confidence in us... Hit and run... That may be a great way to start to detach from this.

I'll work on those 20 interactions to make up for this. Luckily, they're not coming that frequently.

Hi MB. I read somewhere that most people don't really trust their counselors until the 5th time. You have to give it several sessions before you really start to trust and open up to the counselor. You have to find the right one as well.

I strongly believe it will help you. I believe Mike is right - detach now and have a chance or detach later when the chance is gone. You have shown signs of detachment. You've done it well for brief periods. Now detach and go to MC. Tell yourself you will only detach until you've gone 6 times to MC and then will re-evaluate.

Come on MB, nothing else has worked so far, right?

AJ

Ok, so I will ask for how to "act," and what to "do" when we're so entwined with home, kids, activities, life, etc...

Home is together.
All finances are together.
Careers separate.
3 children being raised together. Both of us highly involved.
H works out of town during the week (for the most part).
I work at home and take care of the kids solo during the week (for the most part).
We are together, almost non-stop, when H is in town.


Status as of today. We spoke 1x this am re: status of weeks activities, financial stuff, etc... Seemed ok, but sounds like he doesn't feel well (ill). I sent him a txt later, after thinking about all of this and just said

I apologize for the txt's and call last night. I to fight the urge to pressure you. I hope you can understand. Hope you feel better and drive safe.

I've now dropped it. Don't worry. He knows I have dropped it.

So, how to move forward?

Listen..I know you think I'm on your azzz every time I post..I did the same stuff..we all did...it's human nature..our emotions get the best of us...we have to feel like we are working on the M to restore it..

problem with that....is....ready..drum rolll please

it took both of you to get to this place in your M..and it will take both of you to get out...

you can't get it back by yourself...

I'm not really into the blind and gag deal...I have wanted to whack your knuckles with a ruler a few times..

First off....act "as if" you are OK..your world as you know it is awesome..you smile all the time..you look like the frinkin cat that swallowed the biggest canary that it could find..

and...drop this train of thought



there is simply nothing you can do to restore this M..get that in your head..stop trying "stuff"

stop nagging him..do your thing when he is away..when he is around be pleasant..do what you have been doing...do not bug him about how he does not act loving around you...just do what you have been doing..nothing more, nothing less...be the wife who loves unconditionally...



to me this is wonderful and the way it should be..you are married..the M is just missing the intimacy part right?? Ya need to show him the MB that he saw when you first met..she's in there somewhere..she just got all caught up being a mother and parent...

no more apologies..

it's time for you to let go...

it's time for you to GAL..it's time for you to find either an MC or an IC to talk to..and I find it hard to believe you can't go talk to someone...after all..you post here for millions to see..you talk to us..so I know you can talk to someone..you need a real life person..to talk to...

its' all been laid out before you...the key to all this is in your threads...the best here IMO have guided you..

detachment is a wonderful thing...it's a fine line..a tightrope...detach just enough and H might come running back..detach too much and......wellll..you'll end up like me...

see...I walked away...but I was dealing with batchitt crazy...but having said that...detachment is still a good thing..it prepares you for what may happen or what might not happen..and if your truly detached..you'll be damn good either way..

MB,

Make sure you really drop it. Don't bring it up again. Backslides happen to all of us, but the important part is to learn from them and not let them happen again. Don't worry about this one anymore.

You're asking how to move forward. I believe you have been moving forward over the past months. You have gone out and picked up some activities, you went with friends for drinks, etc... You need to make yourself happy. If H wasn't there at all, would you be happy with your life right now? That's where you want to be. Find yourself. Find friends, activities and hobbies that make you happy. I think a happy couple shares their lives with each other. Now is the time to make sure you are happy with your life. Then, hopefully, your H will want you to share your life with him and he will share his life with you. Your H has to do the same work as you, make himself happy.

I'm in my sitch because I did not know how to make myself happy. I was relying on my W way too much for that. That's the other reason I think our S has helped. It forced me to face that fact and work on myself. I'm pretty content by myself now. That's not to say that I don't long for a family life, because I would love that, but I am looking forward to doing things by myself and doing the things I like to do. And I think W notices and likes that much better.

The point I want to make is that I learned the hard way. You don't have to. Accept the fact that you cannot change his feelings, you can change you only and make yourself more attractive that way. It doesn't sound like he's having an A, so just give him space and time and move FORWARD with your life in all aspects as you would if you had a great M.

I just noticed that your ILYBNILWY came around the same time as mine, so we've been going parallel!

Don't worry! Detach! You have done it and you can keep doing it! Go back to the MB that went out with friends and had some drinks. I can't remember what it was exactly, and when, but you had the PERFECT detached response to your H once while watching a game in the bleachers and he was asking about a text or something... It's been a while, but I remember it was great! I'll have to find it. Go back to that!

The hardest part of what to "do" is that you have to do nothing for him. Because you cannot. He has to do it. You can do things for you. And you should do for you at this point.

Make yourself happy and the rest will fall into place.

Existential and philosophical I know, but.....

Mike:
I think you should really add to this part - it's not that you'll be damn good either way, it's that you need to be damn good in spite of what's going on. Separately from what's going on between you and your spouse. That's detachment. You are damn good and can *choose* to love your spouse vs. needing to.

Something to consider.

AJ

MB--

Kalni posted this on her thread some tome ago and it has stuck with me ever since:

I don't love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.

If you think about it, those are two diametrically different statements.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW