I totally forgot about the first verse. When I was trying to find the words to this song, the second verse was where it started.
Quote: But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooo Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye everybody - I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooo - (anyway the wind blows) I don't want to die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters - nothing really matters to me
This is H and his life. Gave up college and football scholarship because his parents just didn't care what he did or encourage him enough, he was great QB in HS--some really big schools wanted him, joined the service, married HS sweetheart, divorced, rebound and married again to a very demanding OW, divorced and rebouded to me. Works construction which is destroying his body and he's approaching the Big 5-0.
Quote: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see
And me--the above says it all, it was a fantasy life until the landslide, now it's all reality. I am trying to climb out of the muck and I think I'll make it because I am looking upward and moving onward.
H hasn't called yet. When we spoke on Tuesday he was going to be here to spend the day with son. I have not heard from him since then so have no idea if he's back or where he is. If he doesn't call soon then I'm going to just leave with son and not worry about it. On the other hand he did say he was coming over so a phone call might not be necessary. I'm also on the computer right and am tying up the phone line, maybe on purpose.
My gal pals came over last night, I pulled out pictures from HS and our partying days. Boy have we changed, have some photos from my friends wedding and she said "I thought I look good on my wedding day" now I can't believe what I looked like, perms were in back then. We laughed like we haven't laughed in a long time time. We had some great times back then and it's amazing we're alive, we all were roommated together at one time. Drank a lot and drove a lot...we were so stupid.
One friend asked me how things were going and is appalled and disgusted (sp?) that I am even trying to work on this marriage, especially with him being with OW still. I'm beginning to wonder what I'm doing also. Am I insane? When I can take the focus off of H and OW, I see that I am doing fine without them, I have a lot to offer someone, also and maybe there is someone out there that really is meant to be with me and that this M was just a trial run. I just don't know anymore if it's worth it or at least today I don't know. Do I look stupid, people must think I'm stupid for wanting to work this out, especially considering where he's at...why is he there?
As long as I feel in control then I question why I want to try to work this out, when he's in control or when I was obsessing, meaning last week when I didn't know where he was, then I was getting desparate and feeling like I needed him back. On the other hand, when I image live with out him and I can. He's going to be in my life because of son either way, why do I want to put myself through the ringer when he does come back. I'm really confused right now.
This is going to be a great day anyway, be positive Cathy!!! Reach for the best, get the best.
Came over, didn't quite give him the welcome that I wanted to…came into lower level saw son, hugged him I was on couch didn't say anything, finally said hi, H didn't respond, said aren't you going to say hi or something "hi or something" was response…
Showed photos from bear hunt to son, did not ask me if I wanted to see them, which was fine, played with son for awhile, watched a football game. I went over to play with son turned around and H had gone upstair. Me and son went upstairs--H was going through his mail made the commente "you're opening my mail again" made lunch for son and H. Son laid down for nap H laid with him till he was a sleep, came into living room and said "I'm leaving" I said what? He said "I'm leaving" I said you can't leave you haven't seen son for weeks. So he sat on the couch. I got up went and sat on his lap and gave him a hug and he said why are you doing this? I said I missed you. He said he didn't want to make things more complicated, I said so and he said do you? Lots of eye contact. Didn't respond and then he put his arms around me and we hugged. I told him I still cared about him and he said "I know you do" he carries me into bedroom and we ML for about an hour. Afterward we're laying there and he says "so after you saw the meat in the freezer why didn't you call?" I said I was waiting for you to call and couldn't figure out what happened when he didn't call. Maybe a mistake, but oh well. He also said he made a lot of noise and didn't I hear him? I said no I didn't. He then took a shower and got dressed, son got up, told son to go get pictures from bear hunt so that I could look at them. They are at the park now.
H also said that it was a year ago today that OW's buried her H and it's also her birthday. I did ask how OW was doing and he said "not good" He is with us right now and not with OW I don't know if that's a good sign or not.
He also asked what son had for breakfast, said McD's H says why couldn't you make him something, just like you couldn't make me any meals, I just laughed. I also said you take son to McD's for breakfast all the time--oh that's right I have to remember this "don't do as I do, do as I say" I didn't say this to him, but was thinking it.
Are there any babysteps in any of today so far? It also feels like he wasn't gone for over two weeks, seems like just yesterday. I wonder of "things being complicated" means he wants to uncomplicate them which is what I should have asked him????
I thought you weren't planning to hang around when he got there???? what happend with that??
Quote: I wonder of "things being complicated" means he wants to uncomplicate them which is what I should have asked him????
let me ask you this...does he inititate any of the "intimacy" now??? or does he just accept your advances?
if you are the one inititating it then I'd suggest you STOP!
the next oportunity you have to discuss a visiting schedule DO SO!!
that way you can and should LEAVE or have him pick son up (an do your best not to complain about ow..simply ask that he not expose him to her) go live your life and let him figure his out on his own.
he wont know what it is he's missing until you stop giving it to him.
Oops, after I posted I remembered that the plan was to leave for the day, but I didn't and knew I was going to be in trouble here. My plans fell through with my sister, I didn't feel like doing anything so yes I ended up here all day. When is DBing difficult for me: when I'm tired--like today.
I do and have initiated. See I am a big wimp, can't follow through or make a stand on my own especially with him. I talk a big story, but when it comes right down to it it's easier not to do anything or say anything. Besides if he's ML with me then he's not committed to her, and is lying and cheating on her and I'm the OW.
I do live my own life, I do have my own life. I need to keep showing him that and he sees that. When I said I still cared about him today and he said "I know you do" well that's the first time he's said that in a long time. In the past his response has been "yeah right" so now he knows this and has responded that he knows this and I'm not going to tell him again.
He asked me today if I had a boyfriend yet which he does frequently, for whatever reason and I said no "I'm married" and he said well officially you are....whatever that meant. I am married and don't take that commitment lightly.
I'm back again, after a resless night. Son woke up twice, which woke me up and than I start to obsess and can't sleep.
Okay the ML is more of the same or a cheeseless tunnel and I am going to stop initiating. It's bringing us a little closer, but other than that nothing else.
I brought up seeing our son as he was leaving last night. I asked him when he was going to see son again, he said probably tonight and then I said and Thursday night. He then said he wasn't for sure about tonight and to not count him and I then said then Tuesday. He then said "I'm not on your schedule" I said don't you want to see son? I thought he should probably see him more often and he said "why?"
Lately when he comes over, especially on a Sunday, he'll ask me what I'm doing with my life and today driving into work I really thought about an answer. So next time he asks I'm going to say "I'm doing it right now, I'm living my life with son, I can come and go as I please, I can go to bed when I want to, I don't have to worry about what kind of mood you're going to be in when you get here, don't have to worry what kind of mood you're going to be in if you've stopped after work for a few or how you're going to treat me. This has actually beed the best summer I've had in a long time, H. Son has enough male role models in his life that he's probably not loosing out on too much right now. Yes, I'd rather you be here full time but since you're not there are enough people in our lives that care about us and invite us places that we can go on and will go on without you.
I'd really appreciate feedback on the above paragraph. Is it too much, I don't know if it would bring him closer or push him away either...maybe push him away, but hey he is away right now.
He keeps bringing up boyfriends and I told him I'm married and don't have a boyfriend. It's almost like he's hoping I do find one. I cannot am not looking for a replacement. In my eyes we are still married and if I did start seeing someone I'd be no better than him and I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I can look past the feel good stuff that's always at the beginning to it's a mistake and to not get involved until I am officially D'd!!
Yep it's too much. It sounds like controlling, a lecture, and whining.
It will fall on deaf ears and he will NOT see it as anything positive.
Leave those thoughts as a POST here, leave it all 'unsaid.'
Also, stop taking the bait on the bf questions. He doesn't really care if you are seeing someone...he's hoping you're as messed up as he is...DON'T give him that, he'll use it as further justification for his confused feelings right now.
Just honestly go about your life with your son with NO explanation about ANY of it to him.
You won't score points trying to one up him with hints at your attractiveness to other men. You certainly won't win any points telling him there's a better 'father figure' out there for his son.
Also, DON'T ask him when he's coming to visit S again. He is obviously seeing that as your attempt to control his movement. Let visiting his S be HIS idea...it should be anyway.
Quote: Also, DON'T ask him when he's coming to visit S again. He is obviously seeing that as your attempt to control his movement. Let visiting his S be HIS idea...it should be anyway.
When it was suggested that I set up a visitation schedule in my gut it felt too final, like we were D'd. (LL--maybe this worked with your H, but T2 is right, my H hates to have his time controlled or commit to any return time when he did leave to do something even when we were together) Until he went on his two week vacation, he was seeing son at least two times a week and generally one day a weekend. If I had plans to do things during the week he would see son then. I do feel better about this now.
I always thank him for coming over, but he doesn't seem to like that I say that either. He says "he's my son why wouldn't I want to see him." Well there are a lot of fathers out there that don't see their kids on a regular basis if at all so this is why I say it. I haven't said this last sentence either and I'm not sure I should BECAUSE he does have another S19 who he's fighting with right now. S19 is such a good kid, but he's not afraid to stand up to his dad anymore thus they haven't seen each other in awhile. I know it bugs H, but he acts like it doesn't and says mean things about his S19.
Thanks for the advice T2, I will keep my thoughts here. Deep down H might realize this, also, but not like that I am doing fine without him.
I don't know if you've read any of my tirades...but I go off in some of my posts like a lunatic....I say all the crap I'd like to scream at my Hs face...but I say it here on the board. I purge all the junk, all the hate, all the venom....here.
I go back and read my own posts sometimes and am amazed how differently I feel a few hours/days later and I'm ALWAYS glad that I didn't say a lot of what I'd written out loud, especially not to my H.
A few hours/days also gives me a chance to sort through whatever I was feeling at the time of the post to see how much of it was valid and how much was just plain and simple pain and confusion spewing out. Once I get a handle on it.. I decide if any of it needs to be said out loud and if it does I find a way to say it without the drama behind the words.
As crazy as I can get, I know that spewing some of this venom will only damage an already damaged situation. T2
Well then I have much more to spew!!!! My sister just told me a few minutes ago that H gave OW a birthday party Saturday night at the bar where they both hang out and where he gets in fights!! I AM SO PISSED AND CANNOT BELIEVE I DID STAY AROUND YESTERDAY and even touched his sorry body!!!
The guy who told my BIL, works with my H and said "he really didn't want to even go" and that if H didn't want me some of the guys he works with would date me. I had visited H's job with son a few weeks ago and there were about three guys that said this..
He took some money out of our line of credit and hope to god he didn't pay for OW stinking party with that money!!!
arggghhhh, I just wanto cry, but I have a meeting in half an hour.
What a big f****** liar. Oh I'll be back Saturday sometime and how about I spend Sunday with son...f****** liar, I hate him right now hate him, hate him, hate him. Why the hell do I want this, he's making memories all over the place with her. Why the hell would he want to come back to me!!!!
Anyway, I told sis that I didn't want to know about this anymore and why did she tell me at work!!!!
