Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done One last effort

I decided to make a new thread as it has been a while since I have updated my story and D is uncomfortably close.

I suppose I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life as my D should be final within a matter of 2-3 weeks, maybe sooner if H decides to do it sooner.

Am I ready? ....No, I am not. Have I been doing well with my DBing? Not lately. I have let my emotions get the best of me recently and got a little too excited when H and I had been getting along incredibly well the last few weeks. I allowed myself to get let down when he had to tell me once again " I don't feel the same"

Ive heard this from him tons of times in the last 8 months of separation, but something struck me as different this time. I got really mad.

I have put aside my own feelings and pain for the last 8 months so that when I actually do see him I act happy and carefree so that we can just enjoy each others company. I have been going through so much in my life, recently being diagnosed with skin cancer, struggling to get through school with all of this stress and dealing with the fact that H got fired from his job/finances.....and for what? There has been no progress between the two of us. In fact, I would say things are worse because he seems to absolutely love his new life. Of course! Because he gets to live with his cousin and have no responsibilities. He can do whatever he wants and has no one to answer to.

After all of this do I still want my M to work? Yes, and I don't know why. Because I love my H? Because I can't move on from him? I have never felt this unmotivated and depressed in my life. And now, I have no choice but to try to pick up the pieces and move on.

I have decided to go "completely dark". No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no communication what so ever. If this is what he wants then I am just going to stop trying. I have put so much of my time and energy into saving this M and it feels like nothing I am doing is working. Since D is going to be here soon anyway, I dont think its going to hurt anything.

Especially when yesterday he said " I thought we were just going to be friends"

I am not giving him that. He doesn't get to use me and then go back to his single life when he is tired of me again.

So I want to use this at updating and journaling my progress and I hope that if anything comes up that I am unsure of, I hope you all can give me great support and advice once again.

I am open to any other suggestions too. One thing is that I have been sucessful in GAL. I participate in church every week, I volunteer @ the animal shelter when I have spare time, I work full time, I am always doing something with my friends..but no matter how busy I keep myself, I always feel like a part of me is missing. I can only hope this last attempt works...but I know that the D will happen. I will not truly give up though, even after its over.

Unfortunately I had to contact H today because we had a fraud on our checking account--BUT the good news is I just got to the point and said goodbye real quick. Usually Id linger and ask how his day is going or what he had planned for the day..but I didn't do that. I didnt even tell him to have a good day.Big step for me. I kept is very business-like. If only I didnt have to contact him about finances..but at this point every little step forward is a good one

Happy Memorial Day!

Hi jenn,

I'm pretty much in the same boat, my D will be 'final' in 2 weeks, if not signed sooner.

I too had a really big crash last week and am currently rebounding from.

I can only comment on two things you said:

1- You can not just let him go (drop him) just like that and move on, sorry I thought I could do the same with my W, didn't work and that's the crash I experienced last week, I lied to myself and said I was "over her and done and moving on happily". Now I realize, it's one finger at a time in the letting go process.

2- Yes, a piece of you is missing and will forever be should things not turn out as we all hope our situations would, that's just the way it is.

Oh I know I can't just drop him. @ this point I feel like its going to take me years to get over this...however in my earlier posts there is a lot about him using me and things, and being very disrespectful and it was horrible... So ot is best if I don't see him all the time. I've been doing bad on my DBing, started the pleading again in desperation of D being so close so I'm trying to get myself together as a last resort and following the steps in the book "last resort" .. Its hard, though

Hey Jen,

Sorry to hear that you fell off the DB wagon. Well I'm here to pick you back up.

Just keep staying dark and just journal your frustrations here. It seems like you let him control you again and gave up the power in the R back to him. Well now's your chance to take it back. Just stay dark as hard as it is for you and stand strong. You can do it.

man, I've fallen off a few wagons before, but this on runs you over after you hit the ground.

Alright, back to serious.

Not that I'm questioning your input stuck, but would going dark really be in her best interests right now? She answered the question point blank, would she take him back still, yes.

So, that said, and I as I have questioned myself the same as my D is right around the corner, I know there is no way I could possibly 'go dark' now, not with the fate of everything looming. Although I, much like Jen have a lot of issues with how badly my W treated me (some of which I deserved) I am praying that in these final few days for the seemingly unthinkable and my W comes back. I have been searching high and low on these forums all day and found a few stories, some successful, some not, but when all hope seemed lost and D was inevidable, the impossible happened and the WAS asked for a second chance within a week to 2 weeks of the D being final.

The thing is that when all this first happened and she went "dim"/dark, he was much more responsive to her. But once she went back to pleading, needing him, etc. he gained power back in the R and totally jerked her emotions around.

Like it says in the book...if something doesn't work, try something different. The two weeks is just a date on the calendar. Do you think that within that time he will "suddenly" get struck by lightning and swear undying love for her? Something tells me 'no'.

Just my 2 cents.

Man I just wrote this big long entry and my internet went out! Heres another go at it:

Stuck! So glad to hear from you--I do hope you and your wife have moved forward a bit??? I sure hope so

Yes stuck is right. Everyones sitch is different but my history pattern with my H has shown, as soon as I let my defenses down and let him in, he uses me..and brings me into a deeper depression then I even thought was possible.

When I went "dim" on him that is when he started showing interest and starting coming back around. After 8 months of learning what does and does not work, I know what I have to do now.

The way I look @ it----these last 8 months he hasn't changed his mind about D ONE time. So just because D is only 2 weeks away, why should I think he is going to change his mind now? I once heard "don't try to keep someone in your life that doesn't want to stay" heard it at church actually. It hurts like hell, but I need to face reality. This D is going to happen. And I am at the last resort.

For example: these last few weeks in my desperation, H and I started talking on the phone on a daily basis, went out to lunch a few times, he was being SOOO nice and pleasant I started thinking that maybe I was getting my husband back. Then a few days ago he was bringing up the divorce and how he just wants to hurry up and get it over with. When I questioned him and started pouring my heart out about how I thought things were changing he said " What are you talking about, I thought we were JUST BEING FRIENDS' Thats all I want from you, I DONT FEEL THE SAME.

So this is where I am doing dark. I cant allow him to keep hurting me. I still pray, I still hope, I have a strong faith..but Im so unhappy right now. I over sleep, im crying all the time, its affecting me at work and in my personal life with my friends because I am not the most pleasant person to be around these days...im unmotivated and I could care less about anything. I wasnt like this a month ago before he started stringing me along again.

Everyone is at different stages and this is just the route that I am taking. I need to get back on the track where I am taking care of Jenn again...

I could have written the EXACT same things about my W. I really wish sometimes I could just hate her it would make this so much easier.

ahh, that sheds more light to it then I initially read into.

It does sound as if that is your best route to persue then.