Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy he is back, i think

thanks.

dont think i wanted to have contact with the ow. not at all. that is why i had blocked her numbers and not engaged her when she called repeatedly.

but u know what? after almost 3 years of this stuff, sometimes u need to do things that u dont want to do.

i let too much go, did plenty of detaching, did it all.

it sickened me to see how this all went down, how he came home, opened a business, left his job, only to let it all crumble in under 2 months.

and while it all crumbled for everyone involved, while he really didnt care how he came home to us and will leave again, his main concern was making sure he could lie his way back to her.

so i made the decision to tell her the truth.

she can do what she wants with it, but it made me feel better and that is what counts.

i dont want a divorce. or a separation.

but a person can only handle so much. i could not stand by while he returned to our home and life and continued to stay in contact with her, come and go as he pleased, treat me poorly and take money from me and my family to run our business.

i didnt know what else he was planning, for all i know he was manipulating another situation and would pick up and go and set up with her, and i would have been further in a hole.

so its done now.

i do not regret waiting for him and trying to work things out.

i did what i could. i tried to keep my family together, to protect my son from a life of a split family.

at some point in the future, sooner rather than later, he will absolutely soften to me, linger around me, and try to suck me back in.

i hope that i am strong enough to not fall for it.

i hope that i can override my heart on this one, because a part of me still wants him to come home with pizza.

but i cannot allow it. he caused so much harm to me, emotionally and financially, and it will never change until he sees his problems, sees what happened in our marriage, and chooses to work on it.

and he most likely will never do anything about himself.

i was once the pretty little stay-at-home wife, with the handsome husband and son, living a carefree life, youngest family in our ritzy neighborhood, money and love and fun and a close-knit family.

i will come out of this ok. living in this big house with my son while h was gone, really teaches u that a nice house and money means nothing when u are not happy.

but u know what, im only 30, i will move on.

Hello, I have been away for the weekend working on GAL for myself so I finally got back to catch up on your stitch. I am so sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worse and so fast like this.

Though I can agree with the GAL and dropping the rope advice (which is good advice), I can also see why you did what you did by contacting the OW. YOU just had to know where you stood and where your H was standing. Correct me if I am wrong but did you say that she has been in contct with him since he has been home to you and has been feeding her lies again? If this is correct then what he is more than likely doing is trying to keep his options open. What he will realize too late is that by trying to keep some options open, this only closes other options too.

Give yourself a pat on the back girl!!! You have tried, you have done what you could. I can see that you are not ready to give up. I am not ready to give up in my M either even if my H was sexting with OW and visting porn sites. My H did what most people would consider unforgivable things to me and my M but I still love him and still have the dreams of happy endings. You have those dreams too and neither one of us wants to accept that our happy endings may not come true. (at least with this guy).

I don't really have much advise for you at this time except to refocus yourself. STOP focusing on him and what his needs are and focus on you and your son. What are some hobbies, interests, things you always wanted to do that you have either put down or put off that you can try to get involved in? What about volenteering? I always found that most people who volunteer learn many things about themselves during the process. I am a girl scout leader and volenteer. I never thought I would be THAT but I find such joy in it now. Find stuff to do that cost no money at all. Those are the best things to do in life. Start thinking of the things that you and your son can do that can be different and cost effective. He is a an age that you have so muchto still taech him. Think of those things, focus on those things.

Another quick piece of advice...don't get the family involved by telling them that things are going down hill. At least not yet. If your H moves through with the D then maybe do that. Why should you have to tell his family anyway? Why don't he tell his family what is going on if he wants to, it doesn't have to be your place to tell them does it? By not telling them and still doing the babysitting they will see that you have a heart of gold to still want to help them even if you knew that things weren't working out with you and your H. I found out by telling the family it eventually hurts you because they end up getting off the emotional roller coaster long before you do and then it is hard to talk to them. At least it happened that way for me.

You are strong, you are strong, YOU ARE STRONG!!!! Remember that!

thank you for your support.

i do not know for sure what their contact has been while he has been home, but its clear there was contact.

and i just wont stand for this.

once he started withdrawing from me again, once he was mia, just not ok this time.

his family knows about everything, i live next door to my in-laws. they are nothing but in agreement with me, his father actually told me to contact the girl if i want. he said, u know how to reach her, u let her know the truth and let her do what she wants with it.

my sister-in law told me i do not have to watch my nephew now, it is too much on me. i felt terrible but appreciated her support.

im not over this, i want it to all go away, for h to be home and happily ever after.

doesnt look like it can happen, i dont think i could let it happen.

its so hard.

i work 2 days a week at the local temple, i run a cooking class for the 3 year olds. its very cute and rewarding. it is finished next week but i will be busy packing and figuring out where to move.

my house will sell now in a short sale, to avoid the foreclosure. i did a short sale to save my husbands credit from further damamge, my credit is still ok, i am not the mortgage holder.

oh well. i helped me the best i could to straighten everything out to the best of my ability.

not doing so well today. i guess it could be worse, i could be the type that cant even get out of bed, atleast i can pull myself and my son together in the morning.

i will go walking outside with a friend this morning instead of going to the gym, i will have to find the strength to do it.

i only want to call him, but i know better. im restraining myself.

i only want to email him like usual, but i know better.

i will go into the store, because it is mine and its what i do.

who knows what he will say to me there.

g-d help me if the ow shows up there, i wonder if i could demand she leaves the property? i dont know.

its clear she knows about the store, but thinks i have nothing to do with it.

it angers me so that its my store, my family's money and he told her otherwise it seems.

i guess none of that really matters.

Hi mdoodles,

Been catching up on your sitch. So sorry things have turned out the way they have. I know its hard right now - I've been there. But now that I've learned I know that it's kinda silly of us to expect that our H's have ended their A when they are still in contact with OW. If I remember correctly, didn't your H say that him an OW are still friends, and he was not open to the NC rule? I know your mind is racing right now and thinking all sort of things like OW coming to the store, but I doubt that will happen since your H knows its your store too. BTW, am I missing something, did you talk to OW? What did she say?

My only advice right now is that you try not to make hasty discussions and especially decisions in anger. I know emotions are hurt right now but the best approach would be to drop the rope if you can, do some LRT, and focus on you. It will take lots of self control.

Write to us to vent as much as needed.

Hi mdoodles
I've been MIA too, GALing and vacationing.
I talked to the OW a few times. She lied to me. I knew she was lying to me. It made me laugh. I took a couple of subtle swings because I'm much older and wiser! LOL! I understand, sometimes you just want to take a swing and clear the air about a few things. Remember though, she's not exactly a person of high morals...she could be lying too.
Here's my take....maybe it is NOT over. I don't know if you can really detach. I don't know if you can really drop the rope because your lives are so intertwined, but you can do this: You can confuse the hell out of him. Stop the fighting. Stop the questioning. Stop seemingly like you care. Go about life as if all was well. Help him save the store or sell it. Let him know you want to repay your parents/family as soon as reasonably possible, knowing it could take years. Encourage him to do whatever it is he wants. If he says "I want to sell the store", for example agree and try to come up with a great reason to do that--one that maybe even he didn't think about. Just chill.
When you are mad and freaking out--walk away--you may even keep the option available that you are only walking away for about 5 mins and then you're going back to lay into him....but I agree with lots of other's here....don't make decisions while angry and TRY (the key word is TRY) to not say anything angry either.

Look at it this way: If I could tell you, 100% your H would be home, in bed happy with you and your family again, thriving as a man and as a huband and as a father and a business owner/employee, whatever.....could you tolerate all this BS you've already lived through? I know the answer for me is yes, yes I could. So basically, stay positive. It's not over. It's dark, but not over. I'm lighting candles for you, so you can still see.

I love the advice SLH gave... confuse him, Don't do what you usually do by getting angry etc. Take control of you and make him wonder what's up.

and it really is the best feeling. you might not see the confusion at first, but eventually, you will.
a problem you and i both have....we don't trust our husbands....but the other issue is that they don't trust us. For me, in my situation, I became to hard and stern and demanding...granted I was left at home alone but I'm not sure what happened, I'm not sure if he started leaving me at home first and I started to complain and nag or if I started to complain and nag.....but that was a horrible horrible issue of mine that I'm now working on. It did lead to him wanting to leave....he didn't trust me. He didn't trust me that he could come home and we could be happy, we could relax we could be a family.
Then he went out and did somethings that now I can't trust him.
But if you want to fight for this, you have to be the one to carry the burden here. MWD is very clear about that, you are on your own for now, but your changes can force him to change to--for the better.
If you say "I'm going to get the milk after work" and don't, his trust diminishes. If you say you are going to be home at 9:00pm, get home at 8:59--trust builds.
I know he's the one right now not where he's supposed to be when he's supposed to be there, but start with you.
Also, if you are doing things with expecations for him to react a certain way--forget it now then, he won't, not right away. Takes a long long time.
But, you have to STOP asking questions and stop fighting.
Yeah, you didn't drop the rope, you didn't detach, whatever. I don't think you have to, but you do have to take the pressure off of you and him.
Remember this: If that crap with her ain't over yet, it will be soon.
I wish I could give you my number so we could call before or as we're about to have a nutty spell.....
If you really really want to save this--you have to start RIGHT NOW being the wife a million men would want. Think of the attributes you find sexy and great about yourself and expose them--embellish them--increase them 100% and then some.
You can do this. It's not over. Not at all.

ow keeps calling me, i finally answered and said if she would like to talk nicely, we can.

she is totally nutso. she lied about many things which i was able to tell, but i told her everything i needed to and then hung up.

she keeps calling.

h called me screaming, she told him i keep calling her. i said check the phone records, i have not.

he tells me i shouldnt ruin it for him! i shouldnt talk to her.

funny, huh?

thank you guys for your advice, i could really really use it. i could your numbers too! this stuff is just insane, atleast i hope its all hitting the fan now.

i cant really believe anything she tells me, some of it is truth, and most of it was lies.

i just conveyed to her the side she has been missing, which is the whole truth. and i told her to do what she wants with it.

she went from telling me she doesnt want him and isnt with him, to telling me she is his fiance! i was like, are u aware of the law? we arent even legally separated! but ok.

im realy thinking she is crazy and has followed me. she told me she saw me once? and i have nice features? told me she was at my in-laws house this weekend? i live next door.

i was like, oh, so u saw all of my pictures?

once i said my stuff, i hung up, she was going in circles and hearing me and not.

im drained. emotionally and physically. oh, and financially.