Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorce looming #13

Blah Blah Blah! Enough already!!!! Your right Kev, She doesn't care about you. You know why? Because you keep on controling her with your pathetic guilt trips. Stop telling her your problems. What has everyone been telling you??? Women aren't attracted to weak, whiney men. Stop telling her how weak you are and show her how strong you are. Stop telling her anything other then you are handling your stuff and the kids will be well provided for. All you need to ever say to her is "You did what you had to do and I am doing what I had to do. She doesnt respect you. You need to respect yourself first. You do that by gaining back CONTROL of your life. When people treat you bad that's their stuff.. how you react is yours. All you can CONTROL is YOU and how you react to other people. How are you gaining back CONTROL of your life??? Get it through your co-dependent mind. YOU DONT NEED HER APPROVALLLLLLLLL!!!!! SHE'S NOT YOUR MOMMY!!! What woman wants to b in a R w their mommy??!! Asking her approval where to live??? Seriously??? Do you still ask her what you should wear???? If you can go potty??? BE A MAN once and for all. Show your daughters your strength. Lead by example. NOTTTTBLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

That was a shovel. Forget the 2 x 4 it wasn't working. And it was a shovel because you can use it to help you dig your own grave that you have been digging.

Now get out there and man up!!! Like someone else said on here get busy living or get busy dying!!! It's a choice. Everythings a choice...

PMA

Well I am darn glad to read this latest thread.

You do what you have to do for you, your budget and your future. Tough crap if she doesnt like it. You didnt exactly care for being dumped by your W but you had to accept it and now she will have to accept you doing what you need to do for you.

Your W is a control freak (trust me, I used to be one so I can spot it a mile away). Most WAS fail to realize once they walk away the perks of marriage are gone!

My H had the audacity to call me and ask me to take care of the renewal of the vehicle registration. YOu know, on the car he took 13 months ago with no legal agreement in place to do so. Um yeah, let me get right on that. Are you freaking kidding me? He has a pile of mail here that stands nearly 12 inches tall that has been here since last NOVEMBER. Yeah, I used to take care of the mail but no more. So there it sits.

I often wonder if WAS are truly nuts. They want out but still think the LBS will take care of things, do as they ask, be there for them when they are bored enough to want them around and still get to make joint decisions. It is something I will never understand.

Let your W do all the driving to pick up her kids - you take the apartment you want and can afford. If your job doesnt pan out there are always options. Heck, Starbucks pays decent and offers insurance. It may not be a dream job but it has pay and beneifts and it will keep you near your kids.

In your mind dump her just like she dumped you. Once she gets a good taste of that, well, things just might change in some capacity.

I put the deposit down on the apartment today. I wanted the townhome, but I didn't feel comfortable taking it. So I took what I was comfortable with.

W wanted to talk about what to do with the kids this summer. She wants to put them in a more expensive summer program since they don't like the regular one. I don't think they will care for any summer program. I said I would pay the amount for half of the regular one. If she wants them in something more she can pay the difference. She didn't like that. She told me she will look at my budget to see what I can afford. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME???

I said I have to build up a reserve fast. I'm not letting her decide what I will and won't spend. She gave up that right. I already got an apartment in the school district she wanted. I'm not doing anything more that she wants. The apartment was more than I wanted to spend also. But its in a great area and the schools are outstanding. Just like she wanted. If she wants them doing all this great summer stuff, she can pay the difference. Heck, she makes almost twice what I do. And then she has the gall to tell me I didn't leave her with much of a reserve either. Well BOOHOO.

I draw the line on my own budget. I have done more than enough to please her. Its gotten me where? Oh yea, no where.

I don't want this D and she thinks she will control everything about me. I don't think so. Once I move out, thats it. She has no say anymore over me. If she doesn't like it, thats her problem. She wanted this. Deal with the reprecussions. Its not like I am seeking anyone else out like she is. Its not like I was unfaithful. Its not like I filed for D. I'm not the one ripping these kids world apart.

I told her today she needs to apply for her own credit card so I can cancel the one she has that is under my name. She said not til this summer as she has to see why she was denied one previously. And she says she has to keep it incase she has to pay off something she is not aware of.

I'm sitting here thinking this is ridiculous. Its under my name. You have already put $1,000 on it again and I have to remind you to make payments. Infact, I am the one that has to make the payments from your account since you are the one putting vacation and dinner out charges on it.

She is a control freak. She wants the benefits of me financially even though she makes so much more, but she doesn't want me around. She just wants what I can do for her concerning the kids and her credit. Well, I love my kids to. But I have to watch out for myself financially right now. And the program they were in is a decent program. They do all kinds of things there. Swimming, field trips, etc.

So we got into it today again. I told her I am nothing but kind to her and have tried to do everything she has asked. She tells me whatever and that I am not kind and I am manipulative. I'm like what???

I am so tired of being accused of stuff that I am not. And I'll be darned if she is going to D me, make me move out, and then tell me she will decide my budget for me?? She is about to get a real wake up call. She isn't going to decide crap for me. She is already keeping the best furniture and the majority of it because I don't have room for it in my apartment. She is picking the vehicle she wants. She wants me to take the older one. And I pretty much let her have her pick of most stuff through out this entire process. She is not going to decide how I will run my budget.

I asked her earlier today if she was going to be moving into the same school district after she gets another job since she is thinking hers might end in December or January. She said why and I don't need to worry about where she will live. She asked me if I am planning on moving out of the area after a year. I said I am not spending the next 10 years in an apartment. And I would hope this is not a 1 year wonder for the kids at school.

I'm pretty darn sure that unless my luck changes, I am not going to be able to afford a house there because I'm not sleeping with someone else who happens to be well off.

She really burned me when she told me that she will look at my budget and decide how much I can spend. I draw the line right there. You wanted this D? Deal with it. If you want to have a say in my budget, don't D me. Otherwise, you have no say. Its not like the kids aren't going to be taken care of. I will pay my half for D7 going to her after school program. D11 will come home after school and do her homework and be there when I get home at night.

You know. I am just tired of this. Don't push me out the door and then tell me you will decide my budget for me. I have obviously let her have way to much control and say over everything. I have tried to do everything she wanted. Ok. I haven't left her alone nearly as much as I should have. I kept trying to be friends with her and hope for the best. It didn't work.

I also told her tonite that I am tired of her attitude and I am tired of getting nothing but crap from her no matter what I do or how hard I try to please her. I just didn't feel like taking her crap anymore. Like I don't have enough on my plate and I have to deal with crap from her to. She told me that she is going to get D7 sleeping back in her bed at night and I had better not screw that up. I said D7 can sleep where ever she wants at the apartment. I just said that because I am so tired of this.

Kevin

Me and W got along better tonite. She helped D7 look for a dog online. D7 is asking me to get her one. I said no puppies. I'm not replacing carpet again.

Me and W talked about what my job entails and how it could be close to what she did prior to this BA work she has now. She said to ask a couple of questions to my manager and if the answer is favorable, it would be worth sticking with for a year or 2. She said she doesn't know that I am completely ready yet for the BA role but this job could help me out in some aspects.

Overall going better. I asked the kids if they want bunk beds in the apartment and they said no. Oh well. I thought it could be fun for them and it would give them more space in their rooms. But thats ok if they don't.

Kevin

Stay strong Kevin. Thatnks again for the info...

Kevin, this may seem petty, but if you want to make a large salary, you need to stop saying "Me and wife did..." the correct phrase is " Wife and I did...".

"You know. I am just tired of this. Don't push me out the door and then tell me you will decide my budget for me. I have obviously let her have way to much control and say over everything. I have tried to do everything she wanted. Ok. I haven't left her alone nearly as much as I should have. I kept trying to be friends with her and hope for the best. It didn't work."

Elementary my dear Watson!!!! Stop the enabling. She thinks she can CONTROL you. She has NO RESPECT for you. Show her that you now are waking up and are now taking CONTROL of YOUR life. She will RESPECT YOU for it. At first she will be pissed about losing the CONTROL but she will eventually RESPECT YOU for it.

Hold the line. PMA

I put the deposit down on the apartment today. I wanted the townhome, but I didn't feel comfortable taking it. So I took what I was comfortable with.

Good. Excellent. Your comfort and the comfort and safety of your children are the only thing that matters along with living where you can afford. I am proud of you.

W wanted to talk about what to do with the kids this summer. She wants to put them in a more expensive summer program since they don't like the regular one. I don't think they will care for any summer program. I said I would pay the amount for half of the regular one. If she wants them in something more she can pay the difference. She didn't like that. She told me she will look at my budget to see what I can afford. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME???

There is no need for her to look at your budget as you have already told her what you can afford. Period.

I said I have to build up a reserve fast. I'm not letting her decide what I will and won't spend. She gave up that right. I already got an apartment in the school district she wanted. I'm not doing anything more that she wants. The apartment was more than I wanted to spend also. But its in a great area and the schools are outstanding. Just like she wanted. If she wants them doing all this great summer stuff, she can pay the difference. Heck, she makes almost twice what I do. And then she has the gall to tell me I didn't leave her with much of a reserve either. Well BOOHOO.

Boo hoo is right. The downfall of a divorce - lots of financial chnages that the WAS seems to ignore until they are slapping them in the face. Lifestyles change. If she was so concerned about not having a cash reserve perhaps she should have thought twice about taking a vacation and going out all the time.

I draw the line on my own budget. I have done more than enough to please her. Its gotten me where? Oh yea, no where.

Exactly. I am glad you finally are seeing the light. The only budget things you and your W should be discussing are issues regarding the expenses related to the children. And really, that should be done in a legal sense with documentation so its all set firmly in place.

I don't want this D and she thinks she will control everything about me. I don't think so. Once I move out, thats it. She has no say anymore over me. If she doesn't like it, thats her problem. She wanted this. Deal with the reprecussions. Its not like I am seeking anyone else out like she is. Its not like I was unfaithful. Its not like I filed for D. I'm not the one ripping these kids world apart.

She thinks she can control you because for a long time you have let her do just that. Now all of a sudden everything is different and she doesnt like it. Tough. Her not liking it is her issue to own and work through and not something you need to concern yourself with for a minute. There are conseqences for dumping your spouse and filing for a D and its high time she get a good taste of what those consequences will be. Her lifestyle will change, her finances will change and the R with her kids will change along with many other things.

I told her today she needs to apply for her own credit card so I can cancel the one she has that is under my name. She said not til this summer as she has to see why she was denied one previously. And she says she has to keep it incase she has to pay off something she is not aware of.

No, she doesnt have to keep it. You need to request (in writing) a plan on how she plans to pay for this card in full by a certain date. And you also need to get in writing that she is no longer allowed to charge anything else to the card. Once you write this document take it to a notary and have her sign it so its legally binding. She is awfully interested in your budget but doesnt seem to pay much attention to hers. If she was paying attention to her budget she would realize that part of making a budget is to have an emergency fund to use when unexpected expenses come up.

I'm sitting here thinking this is ridiculous. Its under my name. You have already put $1,000 on it again and I have to remind you to make payments. Infact, I am the one that has to make the payments from your account since you are the one putting vacation and dinner out charges on it.

See above - do not allow this to continue.

She is a control freak. She wants the benefits of me financially even though she makes so much more, but she doesn't want me around. She just wants what I can do for her concerning the kids and her credit. Well, I love my kids to. But I have to watch out for myself financially right now. And the program they were in is a decent program. They do all kinds of things there. Swimming, field trips, etc.

Again, the WAS is now getting a good taste of what it means to be divorced. Perks, extras and all that good stuff is gone.

So we got into it today again. I told her I am nothing but kind to her and have tried to do everything she has asked. She tells me whatever and that I am not kind and I am manipulative. I'm like what???

She will say whatever she has to say to continue to get her way. Let it go in one ear and out the other. So far she has manipulated where you will live and how you will spend your money. Its easy to push the blame on somebody else which is exactly what she is doing.

I am so tired of being accused of stuff that I am not. And I'll be darned if she is going to D me, make me move out, and then tell me she will decide my budget for me?? She is about to get a real wake up call. She isn't going to decide crap for me. She is already keeping the best furniture and the majority of it because I don't have room for it in my apartment. She is picking the vehicle she wants. She wants me to take the older one. And I pretty much let her have her pick of most stuff through out this entire process. She is not going to decide how I will run my budget.

Good!

I asked her earlier today if she was going to be moving into the same school district after she gets another job since she is thinking hers might end in December or January. She said why and I don't need to worry about where she will live. She asked me if I am planning on moving out of the area after a year. I said I am not spending the next 10 years in an apartment. And I would hope this is not a 1 year wonder for the kids at school.

Funny she wanted to pick where you live but told you its none of your business where she lives. See how that works? This is why you need to stand up for yourself.

I'm pretty darn sure that unless my luck changes, I am not going to be able to afford a house there because I'm not sleeping with someone else who happens to be well off.

Luck wont change anything. Hard work, careful planning and short and long term goals will help you get a house. Right now dont worry about a house. You have a nice apartment you can afford so focus on that. Focus on building up a reserve so you dont have to worry about the "what ifs".

She really burned me when she told me that she will look at my budget and decide how much I can spend. I draw the line right there. You wanted this D? Deal with it. If you want to have a say in my budget, don't D me. Otherwise, you have no say. Its not like the kids aren't going to be taken care of. I will pay my half for D7 going to her after school program. D11 will come home after school and do her homework and be there when I get home at night.

Again - the only budget discussion should be about the children and their needs.

You know. I am just tired of this. Don't push me out the door and then tell me you will decide my budget for me. I have obviously let her have way to much control and say over everything. I have tried to do everything she wanted. Ok. I haven't left her alone nearly as much as I should have. I kept trying to be friends with her and hope for the best. It didn't work.

In these types of situations the approach you took never works. Now you are doing something different and chances are it still wont change a thing but at least you are now in control of you and that is the most crucial aspect of it all.

I also told her tonite that I am tired of her attitude and I am tired of getting nothing but crap from her no matter what I do or how hard I try to please her. I just didn't feel like taking her crap anymore. Like I don't have enough on my plate and I have to deal with crap from her to. She told me that she is going to get D7 sleeping back in her bed at night and I had better not screw that up. I said D7 can sleep where ever she wants at the apartment. I just said that because I am so tired of this.

Good for standing up to her. The one thing you should keep in mind though is the two of you will need to be co-parents and be on the same page about some things regarding your children. Kids will use this to their advantage so stand up for you and your kids but also be sure you and her work together to be good co-parents or else your kids will start to play you and your W against each other and that is a dangerous dynamic. I might suggest you and your W look into a counselor that helps divorcing couples be good co-parents. If your W refuses to go then you go anyhow.

I have an appointment with a L tomorrow.

Kevin

I am glad you will be seeing an attny. Think of it as an informational/educational meeting on finances, insurance, support, division and childcare issues. Nothing has to be decided, nothing has to be put in writing it is simply so you are aware of your rights and how to execute them in a fair and reasonable manner.

Your W seems to think she can call the shots when it comes to money and expenses and I think she will quickly learn she doesnt have that power - the laws of your state will dictate all of that in a clear and concise fashion.

I also would not tell your W you are seeing an attny at this time. Its none of her business how you handle *your* business and at this stage of the game you would be foolish not to educate yourself. I am not sure of the laws of your state but you may be able to initiate some sort of temp. separation agreement so all parties are protected financially and all things related to the children are clearly defined.

I met with 3 attnys before I found one I really liked and felt at ease with. Dont be afraid to ask as many questions as you want and dont be afraid to ask for a more clear definition of things if you dont understand.