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Hopeful...

Sorry to read about your last conversation with H. I agree with StillLovesHim - H thinks it's OK b/c you're separated. Doesn't make it right, but in his mind it is OK so it's a good idea to try not to bring it up again. He's going to do what he wants anyway, whether you agree or not. Stinks, but it's true.

That's an interesting comment about you going away for a month or two... when you went away, did you contact H regularly or was that your break from the R for awhile?

I don't think you messed up by expressing yourself... if he's thinking about D he was already thinking about it, right? But that must have been painful to hear him talk about OW... as you know from my sitch, H hasn't said anything about his girlfriend and I can't imagine how hard that must have been to hear... Good for you for staying strong. Perfectly understandable that you told H how disrespected you feel by his choices. But if it's not going to help your sitch, maybe best to vent elsewhere and just show H that although you disagree with his choices, you're getting on with your life and it's going to be fabulous!

hi hopeful, I am at my parents & not really able to get online often..... Just read thru your last week & first let me say I think u have handled yourself in an amazing way! I am definately preparing myself for this eventuality. I will be taking a page from your book.

Hang tough! These past few days I was thinking that this is our time to not only grow, but shine! The question pops in ur head " why"...... & the answer is simply "because you can"!

I know this is so hard, but to me no one conversation is going to make or break ur R..... I think this is the unfortunate truth! I think the "haze" lifting is the perfect analogy.....can't force it...it takes it's own sweet time.

I just wanted to say I think u ate doing great!

Mnt, regarding the question about my time spent away, I am from US but have been living in UK for years now. The reason I’d go for a long visit was that it is the only time I got to ever see my family. I was grateful for the chance to be able to do that. A lot of the time H would come with me, but bc of his work he would only come for 2-3 weeks then I would stay on for a little extra. My visits in the recent years are a lot closer to the 2-3 week times too bc of my work. It was a lot easier to go for a month when I was completing my further education(ie summer/christmas breaks). We always continued a committed relationship throughout, and I have no doubt he was faithful throughout this time. We called each other a lot, him as well as me, however maybe not every single day as I was really busy! I know that when I was really busy when I’d get in there would always be messages waiting for me from H. But that whole dynamic is not there right now.

I need to keep focused on not doing the things that are not going to help my sitch, like you said. I need to stop and think is this going to help? And if not then just vent somewhere! That will be a new goal or sorts for me. I think I was sticking to it before but have slipped.

orchid, thanks for keeping up with me even with limited internet access! I am glad for the for the support it really help me keep going. Thanks for cheering me on

I guess u are right that no one conversation will make or break things. I think just more of a move forward or back. And I am seeing more and more this 'haze' people talk about, I know one day he will see what he has done, but right now I feel like I will be long gone before that day comes.

My husband and I see each other practically every day and have done so since this all started. We have a three year old.
I just recently moved back into our house and didn't know if he was going to stay or not. Recently he told me he'll be there on his nights with our S and his weekends then he's going to stay at a friends house.
And we've been at this since November. Sucks, it's hard and there are times when it's so dark I think I'm going to suffocate, but you hang in there.
I think going dark isn't helping you hear. Maybe you should make more contact with him.
There are two ways this could go: Out of sight, out of mind or Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think you are in the first cliche....maybe it's time to get your pretty little face back in his head.
Find out what it is about her that he likes and beat her at it.

Hi Hopeful

Don't beat yourself up over one conversation. He is being disrespectful to your M but I don't think it will help to point it out in the future. They will do what they want to do until they don't want to do it anymore . In the MEANTIME, you are becoming a more fabulous, capable, empowered, self-sufficient, resilient you. For yourself and in an authentic manner beacuse you are taking the time to grow and develop yourself. And if he happens to notice that is an added bonus.

How is he when you maintain contact? Would he interpret it as pursuing if you asked him out? I would not ask out my H now because it would definintely be seen as pursuing. But you know your sitch best. The thing is if you do go out, do NOT fall into the trap of discussing his R with OW. To me that would be a big no-no to be avoided at all costs.

Journaling....
I have been doing a lot of thinking trying to figure things out. I was thinking about keeping in contact with H but without any pressure and without him thinking I am desperate to work things out. So maybe i can do like what was suggested and keep a similar distance as he is to help in staying with the nor pressure thing.

I want H to see I am self confident, GAL and not dwsperate to ahve him back. I am more positive than before--this i have done for me. I was tired of being so negative and getting so worked up about all the little things that don't matter. I'm sure nobody would enjoy being stressed and annoyed that much of their time! I have let go of a lot of things and my perspectives have changed. I feel happier and so much better for it.

I feel I do need to keep the 'machine running' like you said judy, being completely dark did help me detach some but I don't think at this point it is helping my sitch at all, I don't think H is missing me. I'm sure maybe on some level he was feeling the loss and guilt but he is very good at getting on with it and pretending nothing is wrong. He just found a replacement for me in all the activities we used to enjoy doing together to help him 'get on with it'

I do feel stronger now in general. And even when things go really bad it has not taken me as long to pick myself back up and get back on track. I just need to keep doing that as hard as it is.

So if I do have any contact I will keep it light, fun and no pressure and end it first! Really got to practice that last one.

Things to remember and keep working at:

1. Don't bring up OW, can't change his mind about it being wrong, don't waste my time trying.
2.If its not going to help my sitch, Don't do it/say it.
3.This is our time not only to grow but shine...as was said in previous post.

@stillloveshim ah, didn't know about your 3 year old! I'm sure that must be hard on you guys. With no kids I guess I have no reason to see H regularly. I also definitely think the past has shown that I fall into the 'out of sight, out of mind' category with H, this is his way to 'cope' and if I am honest is probably not a new thing as I'm sure he has dealt with other problems with this 'method.' And I wish I could get my 'pretty little face' back into his head and I wish I knew what he thinks so great about her and beat her at it! Gosh, how do I find this out??

@Kara I definitely feel more of most the things you said--capable, empowered, self sufficient, resilient (not sure about the fabulous!) through all of this.

H does want to be friendly and wants to be able to talk and stuff, so maybe some contact would not be pursuing? I think he may agree to go out and catch up, he already said before he would be up for doing something fun/no pressure. however, after our last conversation/backslide I had with him I think it will be a while before he contacts me, etc.

After all the talk the other night I was feeling like 'I'm over all this drama!!' And sent H a friendly text to clear the air--no response but did have a short email exchange w H today. Him saying 'the weather is nice, hope I have a nice weekend, he can't wait for a day off, going for a drink tonight, catching up next week would be a good idea, its important to talk, glad we can'

I just said general small talk, kept it short and said I appreciate that we can talk still. Hope that didn't come off sounding too bad.

Good list! I'm glad you're feeling better. What are your plans for the weekend?

So friday after work I went on facebook and found a whole skew of messages btw H and OW. Saying about having a drink, a movie they had seen together, her asking if he would go with her to this new one that is out and about them going to the gym together at 6am one morning. I was so angry.

There I was going along feeling like I was doing better and actually ok for a moment and then I read this and it all went out the window. After H just telling me directly a few days earlier he was not doing anything disrespectful!! (not that I believed him anyway!!) Well I would say posting on fb about past and future dates with OW for all to read is right up there with complete disrespect. It took me a while to calm down, but pretty much had a crappy evening after that as I was planning on staying in and relaxing on my own. My head was spinning.

I feel so much like I want to say something, to him, to OW. I don't know what. I was so angry about it, I just wanted to say what are you doing? and give especially her a piece of my mind. What kind of person does that!? I can't believe that she was a friend to me at one point, I have so much I would like to say to her and get off my chest. I've been wanting to say something to her for so long, but didn't have the guts or any idea how to say what I wanted to say. A friend recommended I talk to her or write something, say my peace otherwise I will always be angry. I half think it might make a little bit of difference to her, not saying she would change her actions, but would probably make her think a bit, bc I don't know what kind of bs H is spinning to her. The story he has been telling most others is that 'we decided to call it a day' (I know right, what the heck does that mean in a marriage!) its such a load of crap!

I guess I really need to vent about it.......don't know what to do, if anything. At this time, since friday, I have decided to 'do nothing' as I'm so angry I can't think clear enough to see through the rage.

This morning I slept in late and then when I got up it was so sunny out, I opened my windows and started doing some things to get busy and felt ok. So I decided to get on with the weekend, forget about it for now, think about what I want to do later.

I also had a haircut appointment today, so went out and got a new hair cut which I like, so that has made me cheer up some too. I bought myself some ice cream and a book on the way home for a treat for tonight. Then had a friend over for a bit n watched tv together tonight for something to do.

So far only plans I have for tomorrow is do essay writing work and go to the gym.

Everytime I start to feel better something else whacks me over the head...at least it is taking less and less time for me to get back up again each time it happens.

Today I am determined to have a good day. I am still happy with my new haircut, sometimes its not as nice the next day when you have to do it yourself! lol but glad to say I like it.

I am also determined to accomplish the 2 goals I set for myself to do today, 1.gym and 2.work.

Again lovely day out, nice and sunny, I've got the windows open to let some of that in. Need to get out there and enjoy it.

I got myself a new ipod last week, never would buy these kinds of things for myself in the past. It was always H's kind of thing, I would say I didn't need it. I am so glad I got it, it is keeping me busy and I'm looking forward to having music to listen to when walking(I usually walk to work 3 days a week too, 25 mins each way) Little things make a difference. I would always let H choose what music we listened to since it was a passion of his and I'd just agree to whatever he wanted. I don't know why, I just thought it made him happy and meant more to him than me bc I didn't really care either way. Now I get to choose for me. And it will be good for the gym as soon as I get some sort of clip to use.

Thought about packing away some more of H's things, I know this should not be my job, but doesn't look like he cares too much about moving his things as he's made no effort to. Does he think I'm a u-lock or what? geez...

Ok trying to stay positive.