Ah okay, so others here thought you should step that up more?
In my first marriage my husband never gave me affection or attention unless he wanted sex. Then he would step up the affection until he got what he wanted and then he would be back to taking me for granted. Vicious cycle.
Not projecting, just wondering.
In the beginning was she sexually attracted to you and enthusiastic? Or is it something that happened after a few years?
Is this the way our life’s going to go? The years flying by and you don’t want to know What’s wrong with my heart What’s behind my tired eyes Why I’ve changed and become Too hardened to try
Why don’t you ask me? Why don’t you care? You wanted me once, how can this be fair? What changed in your heart? How could you take the love that we had And just let it all fall apart?
Is this the way our years are to go? Your youth and your beauty will melt like the snow What’s wrong with your heart? Do you ever miss my touch? Why have you changed and grown cold God, I miss you so much
That which was special, that which was true That which was love, that which we knew That which was precious, that which belonged Everything’s fading, everything’s wrong
Is this the way our life’s going to end? Time can’t be recaptured, so don’t try to pretend That it was me who’s been changing That it was me who grew cold Because you know in your heart, Baby you know Baby you know Baby you know (fade)
I recall thinking about the mountain my wife would have to climb to help rebuild the marriage after her betrayal. There was not just me to regain trust with, but others in my family that knew what she had done. I felt they could forgive her, but would she ever really feel that they did not still hold some contempt for her?
Reading what your brother wrote in the book just reopened a wound from the past. She has feelings that she is percieved as untrustworthy by your brother and others. I can understand her wishing that was not mentioned in the book.
I think it is a tough road back up that mountain and there are many valleys along the way. I believe you are willing to stick with it for now and I applaud and respect you highly because of it.
You have a gift of knowing what love is and you express it well in your songs. Have you ever sung or shown your W these songs?
You have a gift of knowing what love is and you express it well in your songs. Have you ever sung or shown your W these songs?
Hi, Kerry. Thanks for the note. I've now shown my wife two of my songs, and she said "that was good; when did you write that?" and that was about it. I told her I wrote more, but she never asked to see them.
Yesterday, I was ripping a bunch of old CDs of mine to iTunes, and I came across a CD that I had made for my wife on our 14th wedding anniversary. It was a compilation of all of "our" songs, and I even labeled the CD and the jewel box with a nice label, and named it . . . um, well, "Our Songs" (original, huh??). Actually, it was "Our Songs: With Love to My Jersey Girl". When I give her things like these, she seems to appreciate them, and will always thank me, but she also seems kind of embarrassed by my effort. I used to do a lot more stuff like that, but I stopped doing it because it began to feel "pursuing" and because the effort was never reciprocated, even if in some other LL.
Over the years, my songs have been a way for me to express myself, TO myself mostly, and writing them has always been therapeutic. Some of them, I have a definite music line to them in my head, and others are just lyrics at this point.
I have no doubt she has feelings of shame and hopelessness when it comes to facing my family. Other than exchanging some e-mails with my mom and sending perfunctory holiday cards, and talking just a few times on the phone, she's never seen them since her affair. She says she can't.
Oh Puppy. Can you see that you are pushing away just as hard as she is?
She offered to IM, said she was struggling putting things into words. She was offering to share feelings in a medium that worked best for her. You rebuffed her, went to the pub, and required "talk" rather than IMing. Then she reached out to you again about dinner, you played some game turning her down.
You see this, yes?
She has feelings she is struggling with -- can you let her have some space to work them out without taking it personally? You are wanting her to caretake your feelings because you are scared that if she really works things out on her own, she'll be gone. She feels pressure to make this all about you precisely when she needs space to figure out what she wants apart from all the SHOULDS surrounding her. She really does have to come to some peace within herself. Love really does require freedom. Detach, individuate, whatever you want to call it. Your slide into enmeshment is leading to a lot of reactivity on your part. You want a different kind of R, right?
As for the A and your family, any chance you could sincerely apologize for sharing that info so widely? And sorry that you felt you had to lie to her about the stuff about her in your brother's book...
I won't apologize for exposing her affair to our families. I would do that again -- I was doing everything I could to try to save my family at that point.
As for her needing this to be about her, I do see where that's true, and I try to be empathetic about that, but I think I run out of empathy because it's ALWAYS been about her. Every conversation, everything -- like I've said, she's very narcissistic. That Toby Keith song "I Wanna Talk About Me" -- I mean, that's US! Had she been working harder (oh hell, working at ALL) to try to mend my wound over her affair these past two years, and now was crying out for some counseling, I could be SOOOOO sympathetic, I really could. Remember, despite my hardass demeanor on this forum, I am, by nature, a MNG and a classic Pleaser.
I do see where I probably missed the boat on the IM convo. I'm just feeling way too damned angry right now for getting sucked back in once again, only to have her distance herself from me almost IMMEDIATELY.
You are wanting her to caretake your feelings because you are scared that if she really works things out on her own, she'll be gone.
Not true. Hell, other than being upset when we'd have to tell our boys, I'd be FINE if she was gone. Hell, I've detached no less than FOUR TIMES, and TWO of those times (the two most recent) was actually kinda LOOKING FORWARD to being single again, and dating, etc. But she always sucks me back in!
What do I want? I want her to either work harder at meeting my needs, or just leave me the hell alone and let this thing end, rather than coming onto me every time we're about to end it, and sucking me back in.
Well, I don't think it's going to happen that fast, like this week. She needs IC and at some point, her IC might recommend MC for you both? I know patience is hard, but I think you have to give your W a chance to get IC and work on her issues if she says she is going to. If she doesn't in a month or 2 or 3, then you can decide what to do then. I think you have to be more patient now. Karen
Actually, it was "Our Songs: With Love to My Jersey Girl". When I give her things like these, she seems to appreciate them, and will always thank me, but she also seems kind of embarrassed by my effort. I used to do a lot more stuff like that, but I stopped doing it because it began to feel "pursuing" and because the effort was never reciprocated, even if in some other LL.