I'm back from a week's vacation, and I see that things are not going as well as before with you. After a week with the newlyweds and anniversary types on a cruise, I have come to the conclusion that for a marriage to work there really should be a happy sex life. This may be my personal bias, or it may be observation of many others. But I see a lot of the friends/partners types and I don't see a lot of marital happiness there.
So, my take on your sitch is that unless the sex is happening, the closeness won't materialize. I don't think talking or confessionals will bring you there. I think you need to figure out why you have a SSM, and then why there are waves of ML, and then back to SSM.
I hope that going to an IC will be helpful to her. I'm afraid you will need to be patient to give that a chance to work.
I do, however, concede that the PERCEPTION in my wife's mind is that I'm somehow morally superior, that she can't "measure up," and that my family will never accept her. And since it's true what they say that "Perception is Reality," those are, in fact, things that I have to deal with in trying to hold this marriage together.
In that vein, I asked her last week if it would help her to know that I also struggle with things, and that I have my own "issues." She immediately said "Yes!" and so I confessed something to her that I kinda told her about before, but it was years ago and I watered it down. I look at too much porn, and I told her that I feel that it may have specifically stopped me from being the sexual aggressor and being playful and fighting thru her "oh no, not now"s and might have played into the poor sexual dynamic that we've had. She thanked me for telling her.
Puppy, that's awesome. It must have been difficult to admit to, but you did it. And I'm really happy to see her reaction shows that she is interested in you, wants to KNOW you.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
She needs to know that you are equal players in this relationship. Not in a sense of "Ok, let's compare lists of how we both screwed up." More in a sense of "Let's not forget we're both flawed (if you like, "sinful") humans in this together."
I think Kettricken is RIGHT ON about this, and it gives me an idea.
You've been with this woman a quarter of a century. Your W isn't wayward right now, and is willing to get and is actively seeking help. You still have the opportunity to turn this thing around, to make it the M you want, something many of us here would give anything to be given the chance to do. (For example, I would trade all my possessions in a heartbeat, if I could have just found DB and this site well before my XH left and simply be given the opportunity to come here every day to be beaten mercilessly with 2x4s until I changed my fool ways )
So, given this chance you have: Start over with a clean slate, look at her with fresh eyes. If you look at her/at the sex issue with the mind of a beginner--minus ALL the assumptions that you have about your W--it could be an opportunity for you to lead in a positive way. Perhaps lead her to look at you differently, and perhaps look at herself differently.
What if you woke up tomorrow with some kind of comfortable amnesia--you know where you're mellow and blissed out about forgetting everything--and looked over at your W, and was just like, "Who is this beautiful woman in my house? Look how kind she is to those kids. Who are those kids, anyway? They're cute." How would you smile at her? How open would you be to her? How do you think she would treat a man that was looking at her like he was truly happy in the moment and had no expectations?
Maybe you can stop working harder (and I know you're exhausted at this point) and just look at her with completely fresh eyes. You can already detach like a champ--and you can use that same skill to let 20 years of resentments and hurt fall away.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I decided to put my wedding ring back on, for the simple reason that it IS a symbol of my fidelity and my commitment to my marriage, and not a tool to be used at my petulant, pouty whim.
When my wife kissed me goodbye to go to work this morning, I noticed she had hers on as well.
So, given this chance you have: Start over with a clean slate, look at her with fresh eyes. If you look at her/at the sex issue with the mind of a beginner--minus ALL the assumptions that you have about your W--it could be an opportunity for you to lead in a positive way. Perhaps lead her to look at you differently, and perhaps look at herself differently.
What if you woke up tomorrow with some kind of comfortable amnesia--you know where you're mellow and blissed out about forgetting everything--and looked over at your W, and was just like, "Who is this beautiful woman in my house? Look how kind she is to those kids. Who are those kids, anyway? They're cute." How would you smile at her? How open would you be to her? How do you think she would treat a man that was looking at her like he was truly happy in the moment and had no expectations?
That all SOUNDS good, but I don't think that it's realistic for me at this point. Too much negative shared history, on BOTH of our parts.
So stop sharing negative history, you can't change any of it. What I hear you saying you want is a better now. That is where you can lead. Show her what forgiveness is. Give her the true gift of compassion, love and trust because it is good for you. You will see the changes you need when you let all the negative shared history go. Stop waiting for her to change. Take charge Hoss. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So just try it for a litle bit and see what happens. The key is dropping expectations while you are making your changes. Don't make it a equation - if I do this then I expect you to do that. If it ain't working try something different. Your DBing has to move to "piecing" solutions. Detach a little to change your perspective. What would you be telling me or Mules if the shoe was on the other foot?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It must have been difficult to admit to, but you did it. And I'm really happy to see her reaction shows that she is interested in you, wants to KNOW you.
) 
How would you smile at her? How open would you be to her? How do you think she would treat a man that was looking at her like he was truly happy in the moment and had no expectations?