Quote: I guess I was okay with it the whole time, I just sometimes get resentful that he can come and go as he pleases and has no fulltime resonsibilities to son.
and that is precisley why I suggested you set up a schedule...that way you are BOTH sharing the responsibility and it it not left to h's whim as to when he will be there for HIS son.
but if you are ok with it and that resentment doesn't fester too much then do what you're doing.
for me it wasn't so much that I had plans on the nights that h would come...it was that h would be responsible for the kids on those nights and I was free, I went out plans or no plans, when h arrived I left the house...went to a movie..visited friends, ran errands etc and those nights were a garuntee I knew what they were each week so I could make plans for those nights and get sitters for other nights if an opportunity arose, that way I wasn't telling h where I was going or what I was doing..it was my time to do with what I wanted just as on the nights he didn't come I didn't know where the heck he was...maybe it's different because I don't go to work during the day so that person comming at night to give me a break 2 set nights a week without wich, I would have gone mad. to be honest I kinda miss it sometimes. Don't get me wrong..I can still go out any night I want but it's more of "well it would be helpful if you could get dd to bed first..." plus now I don't always know what time h will get home..where before he always arived by 5.
Quote: Another time I said in response to his question, "Why? Do you want to do something with me?"
Good one, I think I will use it next time. He also was the king of NO. Didn't matter what I wanted to do, his first answer was NO. He even does this now. But then would change his mind. It got to the point where if he said no, I'd find someone else to do something with me, but then like clockwork he'd change his mind at the last minute. OR I'd wait around until it was too late to ask somebody else and we'd end up sitting at home. Of course, it was me who never wanted to do anything so he says.
I'm getting to the point where I'm losing interest/hope in saving this marriage. He is not changing nor do I think he can change, why would he want to, he thinks there isn't anything wrong with him. I really don't want him back the way he is or to come back and think he doesn't have to change anything, especially his bad attitude and negative outlook.
When I seem him now I feel so disconnected from him, like we are just neighbors or friends, like I don't know him anymore. I know he's an alien, but there are parts of that alien that have always been there. He's lied to me about things since we first met and maybe I am no better than him. I remember when I first met him he did tell me had been married once before and that he had been seeing someone but "it just ended" Well I was at work one day looking through a phone books for a phone # and for fun I thought I'd look up his phone number and low and behold it wasn't just his name it was with another woman. A friend of mine "said oh maybe they just listed it like that sometimes people do that" I said not in that town they don't. Well he had been married to her, but the divorce process had been started...so if he was in the process of divorce, but it hadn't been finalized..did this make me the OW? Also, he said that the only way he would have stopped that divorce was if this woman had moved back here. She had left him and moved back to her home state. Or course, she wouldn't. I do believe in the saying what goes around comes around, so it's come around on me I think. She also had had him arrested because he hit her with a pillow one night which I totally put out of mind.
Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe it is true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you are the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Please send this message to:those people who mean something to you, those who have touched your life in one way or another, those who make you smile when you really need it, those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down,those whom you want to let them know that you appreciate their friendship no matter the miles and time... everyone here, thank you.
And if you don't, don't worry, not to worry - nothing bad will happen to you.
But, maybe, sharing this wisdom may be just what someone needs right now...
This brightenen my day I hope it does the same for you.
This is a thought on the KLA series of tapes and really caught my attention:
Quote: In what ways could you "package" your thoughts, idea, and even yourself, to appeal more to the "buyer" (your partner)? Are you planting any seeds towards peaking their interests? Are you losing any "sales" because you're trying to sell them in a way that would make YOU want to buy instead of a way that appeals more to THEIR interests?
When my rat, I mean my H, goes down his cheeseless tunnels, i.e. you never cooked for me (I did but he always complained) you never gave me any affection...I guess I have been guilty of the above...selling in a way that would make ME want to buy. So how to I appeal to his interest? I have to come up with a new marketing plan. Hmmm actions speak louder than words, so a little less talk and a lot more action. I am now moving to more action oriented goals and activities. I'm going to 180 him big time, blow his socks off.
As this is a fairly new concept to me I will have to think awhile on a marketing strategy so to speak. If anyone wants to brainstorm with me please feel free to join in.
Cathy
"If God Brings Me To It, He Will Bring Me Through It"
Okay I have to apologize for all my posts/thoughts this morning. I just had another one. Are these pursuing behaviors and things I shouldn't be doing:
Showing up at his job with lunch? Calling him first? Giving him cards, not loving cards, just for fun cards? Calling to just see how his day is going? Making dinner, not just for him, but for us as a family? Asking for his help?
I would like his advice on some parenting problems I'm having with s3, which I think should be acceptable as I would like to alwasy be able to turn to him for this kind of problem.
I'm thinking of backing off a lot this next week or so and see what happens. I've only talked to him Tuesday night this week when he came over to see son. Other than that he hasn't called and I haven't called him.
How 'bout inviting him over for a cande-lit dinner? What's his favorite meal? Favorite desert? Make that the menu for the night. Break out the best dinnerware, dress to "kill", music to help set the right atmosphere. Make the eveining a presentation of just one theme ... "I think you're some one special."
Quote: Okay I have to apologize for all my posts/thoughts this morning. I just had another one. Are these pursuing behaviors and things I shouldn't be doing:
Showing up at his job with lunch? persuing Calling him first? persuing Giving him cards, not loving cards, just for fun cards? persuing Calling to just see how his day is going? persuing Making dinner, not just for him, but for us as a family? questionable, is what you are cooking dependant on his being there? but then again is cooking dinner a 180? I believe you've noted that he made some comments about you not cooking.. Asking for his help? depends on what you need help with and if you are asking as a means to stay connected to him and you don't have a way of solving or getting it done on your own or with someone else's help
I would like his advice on some parenting problems I'm having with s3, which I think should be acceptable as I would like to alwasy be able to turn to him for this kind of problem. I see no problem discussing child issues with the other parent...I don't see it as persuit...unless the "issue" is something of little significance and is being "used" as a means to stay connected to the was
I'm thinking of backing off a lot this next week or so and see what happens. I've only talked to him Tuesday night this week when he came over to see son. Other than that he hasn't called and I haven't called him. it wont be easy, but I think it's a great idea...I didn't call my h at all (ok after a while) and suddenly he found excuses to call... Cathy
Quote: Okay I have to apologize for all my posts/thoughts this morning. I just had another one. Are these pursuing behaviors and things I shouldn't be doing:
Showing up at his job with lunch?
Calling him first?
Giving him cards, not loving cards, just for fun cards?
Calling to just see how his day is going?
Making dinner, not just for him, but for us as a family?
Asking for his help?
I would like his advice on some parenting problems I'm having with s3, which I think should be acceptable as I would like to alwasy be able to turn to him for this kind of problem.
I'm thinking of backing off a lot this next week or so and see what happens. I've only talked to him Tuesday night this week when he came over to see son. Other than that he hasn't called and I haven't called him.
Whoops!! I went and posted to your earlier one to see you did a 180! on me.
There is a difference between pursuing behaviors and behaviors of showing you are no longer going to be negligent to your spouse. You have to find that fine line as to how he will interpret them.
If what you listed works towards breaking his past preceptions, then its not pursuit.
Cathy there is no clear black & white list of 180's that will work for each sitch. It is literally a trial & error process. Try something you havn't done before and keep at it as you observe for a reaction. It may take a few times before knowing if its a positive change or not.
