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t-minus 7 days.

Wow, the forums were dead this weekend huh?

So, went out for a 'happy hour' after work Friday, what a bad idea, not really, had fun but got really stewed. As usual, all everybody wanted to talk about was the D. But, it didn't get to me at all the whole time (4 hours). But, in 'standard' practice, the moment I got there, I put my cell phone away as every time I have gone out after work, even while W has been with OM, W would blow my phone up all night long trying to ruin my time.

That became the problem. When I got to my truck I checked my phone and my cousin apparently was having a very bad night. Her son lost his appeal to get his job back and she was all worked up, and sent a text message saying "thanks for ignoring my messages". This sparked a huge stirring of emotion within in me. I had to make multiple stops trying to get home, and at one point wasn't even sure I was going to go home. Finally did and went to bed.

We worked it out Saturday morning and had a nice quiet day and spent all night watching movies and hanging out.

After we cleared the air, I was having my coffee and cigarette and it hit me, for the FIRST time in a LONG time, my issue Friday night, was me, all about me and getting my life back on track, NOT W or the D. Matter of fact, didn't have one thought of any of that all weekend long. That makes me feel great!

Yesterday, helped cousin's son out with his car in the morning and evening and did my usual yard work. But, I did go out to lunch with the previously mentioned old time friend. It was nice, we did some cathing up and small talk over lunch. She also spoke of her photography class she is taking and that she has to find scenes of nature as her currnet "assignment" and needed pictures of birds animlas, folage, different water settings and what not. I immediately thought of a nature preserve right by my house and was only a few minutes away.

We went and walked around for about 2 hours, it was really nice. Especially when this darn dragonfly wouldn't leave me alone, (I HATE THEM). As I was trying to get away from it, she pulled me out of it's path by hand and didn't let go for a bit. That was nice

So that is it, one day at a time, and all for me. I should be in mediation right now, but since we came to agreement, it is not neccesary, and truth be told as I had told my attorney in the beggining, there is no point in mediation as W has made up her mind a long time ago on what she is doing/ going to do. Just wished she wouldn't had tip-toed around the truth for so long and played so many games with my head and heart.

t-minus 6 days.

So made my usual afterwork stop at my favorite bar & grill in the 'old town'. Went out for a "pacer smoke" and low and behold there was W in her friends car going to the store facing right at me. The way the boulevard is set up, you have to make a u-turn to get back to the grocery store on the other side of the street.

Her friend, whom I have openly blamed for guiding W to walk away honked the horn and waved. I cordially but sarcastcly waved back. W's face turned pale white and all through out the u-turn her head twisted to remain looking in my direction? Weird. Something must have transpired in the car as it took W forever to get out, then her friend left her at the store and later on when I went back out, W was carrying her groceries and walking, rubbing her eyes several times. I had offered once if she ever needed a ride, she could call upon me, but once is all the times I will make any offers to her.

This also comes in light of finding out yesterday that my child support checks I have been giving her that conveniently had "image scanning errors" are now just labeled as "withdrawls", so now I have to go to the bank and figure out what is going on with that. This weekend, she'll be getting a cashiers check for sure.

But anyway, I gave only a few moments to ponder the expression on W's face and what must have transpired and that was it, shrugged my shoulders and went on about my night. I really don't understand it, although I was having a "good hair day" and had a newer out fit on, who know's?

So went home made dinner then got a text from my new "prospect?" I don't know what to call her, not a GF, not until I clear my head of some lingering issues for certain. Anyway her and her ExH had a blow out over his truck getting re-possesed and he was blaming her for it and it got pretty nasty from what she says. He even went so far as to try chasing her down in her car on his motorcycle, what a goof. We ended up meeting at a Mcdonald's and chatting for a bit and calmed her down. Was nice to be on the supportive end for a change and it was actually appreciated.

Still perplexed by what transpired with W, but it is none of my concern at least for than half a second. She burned the bridges down to their foundations. Mine and S10's b-day is on Friday and W made no attempt to alter any part of the visitation for the day, when I asked her of it last Thursday. So, I have a dinner "date". Can't wait to see her reaction to that. from what I've seen around the boards, the WAS gets a little twitchy when the LBS moves on. And that is what I'm doing, moving on, ropes dropped, mess being cleaned up and in gear for the "high road".

t-minus 5 days.

Wouldn't you know, saw W again last night. Seems to need an aweful lot of groceries lately? My cousin says W is doing it on purpose. Anyway, once again went out for a somke and looked up the street and there was W walking away toward "her house" constantly looking back over her shoulder. Heh, whatever dear, you made your bed, go sleep in it.

Funny thing, in reflection of reading a thread in the infidelity section I've come to realize some of her current motives. One of W's blames for our M failing was "we were living a lie" over misunderstood events and shuttered them from friends and family. But yet, here she is running 90 miles away in hopes to get away from the one thing she never can no matter where she goes and how fast she runs: her R with OM will always be nothing but a lie. What is there to say when someone asks them "how did you two meet?", especially when her new neighbors ask, "where are the kids this weekend?" (when they are with me). Her life will forever be a lie, poetic justice?

Speaking of kids, tonight will be, should be, the final weekday night we have as a regularity. Really sucks. W says "you can see them whenever you want", yeah, ok, they'll be 90 miles away dumbass!

Before this "move" occurs, I full on expect, no demand OM quit being a little mole hiding in a corner when I am there and be a man and speak up about the kids and what he thinks his role in their life is. I know that should I find myself in the position to graduate from dating to a serious realtion with someone who has kids, I will be man enough to stand up to the kids father and say, 'hey, you're their dad and I will never interfere with that'. Just common decency IMO.

t-minus 4 days.

So, another act or is someone's conscience kicked into high gear with a few days left?

Shortly before I arrived in the neighborhood to pick up the boys, got a text from W "can you pick up the kids @ dad's? dad is there?" First off "dad" and I as outlined in my threads are right back where we started from, I hate him, he hates me, no love lost. So i pull over and gather my thoughts on a 'polite' response and just come up with 'fine, but he best not start anything'.

Quite a few minutes go by, I presume she called him to see what kind of mood he was in, then texts me "I'm at (such and such intersection) and will be home shortly". I figure it best and just wait it out. Roll through the ATM and she calls and says she "home" and i say I'll be there in a few. Got there and S12 comes out first, has a new 'rock band' hand held game he's showing as W and S10 come out. S12 is trying to show me the screen the entire time and has his head on my shoulder and I ahve my arm around him all the while. W "looked" like she wanted to cry. didn't say anything to her, barely acknowledged her presence.

Boys and I left and went about our evening. At dinner they got started again about the "move" and the schools. At one piont S12 said several times he wanted to live with me, and S10 wasn't too upbeat about living there either. I again as always re-itterated, 'guys, this can always be changed if you're unhappy'. They were satisifed again with that, S12 says he told W flat out he wants to live me and said that W told him "fine if you want to live with your father than go live him" and S10 confirmed this. Again I repeated my statement and that i also have a say so in their school situation and we will figure it all out and dropped it.

We went bowling as usual and had fun.

When the night was over I dropped them off at "her house". She didn't come out right away, but when she finally did she was rather 'over-dressed' for someone at 9pm, making dinner in a deep frier in white shirt. We'll just say her outfit revealed her assets (something I always tried to encourage her to do, but she never did) and she had her hair up for the first time I can remember wearing a constant smirk and 'happy demeanor'.

Once again, I refrained from making much contact, only to say that I would be late Satruday morning to pick them up as I have to straighten an issue out at the bank. Not saying this but the issue is my child support checks that are coming up as withdrawls. She detected that right away and her demeanor changed to the negative. Then S10 tells her that he doesn't want to go to school there and that I told him I have as say-so in it. W imediately turns around, throws her arms up in the air, "I don't know if you're going to go school there, I don't know if we're going to live there at all, I DON'T KNOW!!!" Then says she has to go inside and finish dinner.

For half a second I saw the previrbial 'rope' and almost reached for it. But then a quick glance over my shoulder to OM's car sitting there reminded me of all she said last week and that as remarkable as she looked, this is no longer the woman I was married to. Said good to the boys and that I loved them and would see them Satruday morning.

Going to have to contact W tonight to find out a good time to call S10 tomorrow mornign and wish him a happy birthday. I think it's best to just text it and avoid direct contact, especially in light of this event.

t-minus 3 days

Got a email from my attorney yesterday regarding changes W and I "agreed" to when we spoke last Thursday. Some were ok, but others I think not.

Anyway, she just really p'n me off by trying to make schedule changes through the kids THAT WE'RE NOT TO DO. Did it alst night with S12 and then again this morning. Someone let the cat out of the bag that I'm going on a "date" for dinner. So now W is using them as pawns again to guilt trip me. Not going to happen, I told her 'you said you had plans for S11's b-day, so I am giong out for mine'. we share the same day if it's not obvious.

W is so delusional she is telling S11 he was born at the completely wrong time. I'm sorry, that was the happiest day of my life, I remember the time, his weight an dlength, his first bowel movement (which was hysterical btw) but I kept all his vitals in my wallet for years and I remember clearly.

Eh well.

Gong to have a good time tonight. W and her games doesn't even fade me for more than but a few minutes of disbelief and then it's gone. So I am doing well. Not so much financially but that's a whole nother story.

Then I'll shop for S11's presents and then enjoy my weekend with them.

Well so far a nice quiet work day, read as, I got nothing done.

Starting to get mixed feelings about date tonight. One moment I'm excited, next moment I'm scared, next moment I'm questioning if this is right. arrrrraaaghggh!

At the same time, knowing that W will be leaving town, I really want to go 'home', meaning I really want to move back there. I loved it there.

Oh well, I'm going to take myself out to the bar, by myself a couple of birthday beers and approach tonight with no expectation and try and console the frightened little child in me and put him in the back seat. Hell, I'm 34 years old. 11 years ago and 2 kids, I never thought I'd be going on a first date again, ever. Not even if W passed before me.

uggh, why in the world do I still have feelings for someone who has been so horrible, ruthless and selfish (just to name a few).

Alright time to straighten my head out and be the best I can be tonight, myself.

t-minus 23:39 hours.

Can you say "trainwreck"?

I'm slowly walking the edge of the abyss that I've fallen into time and time again through this.

Although this time, I have a life line that won't let me fall in to it.

The "date" Friday was wonderful. I had the best time in a long time. Finding myself feeling a lot of things I thought I wouldn't for some time. Not sure if I mentioned or not, but this emerging situation is almost 20 years in the making. It's so nice to know that after all this, all the blame from W an deven worse, the self blame, someone can come along, pick you up and dust you off.

Anyway, more on that later as it progresses.

To the issue at hand, the "Big-D". I can not say how many times this weekend I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs "I hate that woman!". My lord, I feel so bad for her. She is so blindly lost in the world of lies she an OM live in that I fear for her well being.

We started to talk Saturday morning as I was running late to get the boys for the weekend and I just can't take it anymore and find myself in a bad stance with her. Initial conversation ended when we started going over finances and how much the attorney's are running us dry, and all I could say was "well, this is what you wanted". No tone, no attitude in it, just as simple as that. Her response? Back to the same old game of her denial which really set me off on a tangent.

After I picked the boys up and had a bit of an attitude with her, I called to apologize. I can't convey to her enough how much I could care less about her and OM anymore. It's how she took everything away from me in her own selfish blindness.

When I dropped them off last night, that was all refueled, to see OM joking and tapping MY KIDS on their heads. It just kills me. When I couldn't take it anymore, S11 provoked a conversation about visitation and mostly the upcoming summer break of which I can not do 3 weeks straight, not even a week. So I said to W that we'll have to talk about it later and see if we can do something for winter instead. Without a single thought she starts to blurt out again "you can see them whenever you want, I don't care what a piece of paper says". Of which I just started to walk (practically run to my truck) to get out of there. How in the flippen world can I see them "whenever I want" when htey are going to live so far away and I'm getting a second job just to rebuild my life?

I just said "bye boys, I love you and will see you in 2 weeks". Looked at wife scornfully "And I will see you Tuesday morning".

She had the brass to say "I'm not doing this to be a b@#ch to you". To which I could only say 'so what do you call it then? Afriendly gesture?'. And left.

And that is how it all comes to a closure. She refuses to face the past and I refuse to face now.

Some day, if she thinks we'll EVER be friends, she's going to have to own up to this. But friends is all we will ever be.

After a bit of a rough ride this morning, I texted W out of common courtesy "I'd appreciate it if you keep the "man" who took everything away from me out of the courtroom, thank you".

Thus far, no reply and I don't expect one. And I don't expect that request to be fullfilled either.

Just wanted to add this in as it really moved me. In closing to a email i sent to the 'new person' in life:

"I know once tomorrow is done and over with, I will be better. And in doing so, I will be better for myself, my boys, and you. she will just have to sleep in the bed she made and spend the rest of her life doing what I did for a long time: wonder 'what if'."

Hi dday101798, Was reading a bit of your sitch & just wanted to say hello & offer support. Sounds like you are holding up pretty well, considering ...

So tomorrow is D day for you?? Good luck & stay strong!!

t-minus 02:24

Every time I close my eyes it's like looking at the looking at the count downtimer from "24".

So it's overcast and gloomy out but will be sunny and warm later, good day for a divorce. Trying to add sarcastic humor as that's all I've got today.

I so want to pour my heart out one final time to her, but I know it's pointless.

I'm so tired of crying, I'm so tired of my stomache turning, my head pounding and just being a wreck.

It ends today.

I sent ExW a message last night: "good night Mrs 'dday1017', final time you bear name'. Stupid I know. Even stupider, I still love her.

I have nothing else for the moment. Time to get showered up and do this.