Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy he is back, i think

ok. so now what? i want him home, i think to put an end to the pain, to make it go away, to have him back for my son and for me.

but really, i dont want this, this isnt ok, this is a big big mess and he lied so badly, about everything, and brought more than just me down with it.

i dont know how to change gears so quickly.

most likely he is moving forward with the separation, atleast that is what he told me. i called my lawyer so we are prepared if he does move forward.

but i dont know how to be over him, how to switch from having him him back to now it being ugly.

i just dont know how.

and the psycho mistress? im wondering if she follows me, im wondering if she is going to show up at the store.

Try your hardest to quit wondering about the psycho mistress!! It will only make you go mad too. I did that with my H too and I was finding myself driving by places where he said that he would be and if I seen him some where then I would follow him and see what he was up to. In the end I did not find anything on him but it also made me go insane with the wondering and the 'stalker' like actions I was taking. LOL!!

It sounds like hell in a hand basket for you right now. Part of MWD is doing 180's. If he says things to you that in the past got a certain reaction, like you getting upset, then he still thinks that if he says these things then your reaction will be the same. Follow the previous advice of doing the total oppisite. It is hard to do these things. I know cause I am trying to do it right now with my H, but it can be done. I will admit that I can do it about 50% of the time but that is better than 0% of the time. My H will say things to me that has always made me mad in the past and instead I don't let it get me mad and might change the subject. Confuses the crap out of him that I did not react the way he thought I would.

If YOU can start small then he can only follow if he really wants to make it work. If he doesn't then the D will proceed and you will still be a better person for making the small changes. Remember the question from before?...What would you be doing if your H had died yesterday? What would you be doing? Not worrying about the psycho would be my guess, making preparations for selling if needed, paking and moving. Focus on you and your son, hopefully all else will fall into place if there is still a place for it.

Keep posting. I check on your stitch just about everyday. If your classes are about to end then maybe you can make it a point to go for that walk with your friend everyday (even if you go to the gym too).

i dont know how to do this again. i think i need to learn how to move on, not to divorce bust, but to move on.

i am venting here, bare with me.

i went through the detachment phase, the lrt phase, the drop the rope phase. i have been at this for almost 3 years, only i didnt know about the affair until april of 2008.

i had him back. i had him. we were starting a new life together, only she was never completely gone. maybe the affair was ended, but restarted.

what if we really proceed with the separation? what then?

i think then i would have to move on. meet new people.

im sure he will come my way again, it just seems that way, doesnt it? he never fully left me, he always left will most of his still still here.

im so confused.

mdoodles, thanks for visiting me in my time of need. I can feel your support and I thank you.

Here is my two cents about psycho-OW and to a small extent your H. Here is my philosophy:


When my enemy is acting unhappy, it makes me happy.

When my enemy is happy, I get suspicious.

When my enemy is content, I know I have lost.


Ask yourself, why is psycho OW calling you? She is EXTREMELY insecure about her R with your H. I am so happy for you! She has gotten herself involved with a married man who cheats, no wonder she is insecure! She wants you to step out of the picture, that is why she is calling you and acting crazy.

That means she sees that you still have a hold on your H!


If she was happy and secure in the R with your H, there would be ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to confront, threaten or even think about you, right?

So honey, it ain't over till it's over. Psycho-b*tch is scared and you should be happy!

oh my, thank you. i am just sitting here spinning my wheels.

u are right, she is feeling threatened and has been for some time.

but guess what, he isnt with me now, he didnt come home, most likely went there to clean up the mess.

all year he was busy trying to keep me satisfied, keep me waiting in the wings, doesnt seem that way now.

but either way, she seems to not be believing him either.

i dont have much choice now, it is so hard for me to realize he switched gears and is saying our marriage is over.

all year, no matter what i found out, what i said or did, even when i spoke to her, he tried to keep me ok and keep me around.

not now.

mdoodles, you say that all year he has been around, trying to keep you satisfied but don't you know in your heart that he didn't actually try his best? Because if he did, the A or EA would be over by now. So in essence, it was only a half-hearted effort on his part.

So, he didn't really put his heart and soul into it. I would call that not a real effort. So really, you are not worse off now than before. It's just that he has stopped pretending to be trying to rekindle M.

So why are you sad, it's a good thing that he has stopped pretending. At least now, he is more authentic with himself and more importantly, more authentic with YOU. This, in itself, is more respectful than when he was pretending.

but why pretend? if he wanted it over, it could have been over. he could have moved forward with the divorce action.

but he didnt. he kept coming around and coming around, and things were improving. he began facing his family and doing things with us.

we were intimate almost everytime we saw eachother.

and the business? uh. what a mess.

Pretend because he wants to be 'a good guy doing the right thing'.

Maybe he doesn't know what he wants or maybe he wants it all!