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Bull$hit.

Puppy

OK BigJohn,

RULE NUMBER 1 - ALL ADULTERERS LIE

How do you know if they are lying? Their lips are moving.

You must accept that whilst your wife is in an affair, you should not believe a single word they say - they lie as easily as they breathe even if they were as good as gold in the years you have known them.

This is what you MUST do. Snoop. Get a keylogger installed on her computer and gather irrefutable, incontrovertible evidence that an affair is in progress. Put the evidence you gather in a safety deposit box. Then, expose the affair without anger and namecalling to your parents and siblings, her parents and siblings, and her employer if your W and the piece of waste adultery partner are employed at the firm. Your kids are old enough to understand that something evil and wrong is afoot. Tell them that their Mum has a boyfriend (without namecalling the OM) and that you feel this is inappropriate.

Simply state facts when exposing.

By not doing this you're telling your kids with your actions that Mum's deeds are OK, and that it's OK to lie.

Your W will be livid with rage but this will subside in a few days. Your M will survive this but it won't survive an ongoing affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy - exposure tends to hasten their demise.

Now. With the evidence you've gathered and kept in a safe place - do not hesitate to show this to a court if your wife starts sabre rattling about taking the kids to another state and away from you. You must protect them from the sleaze and sickness that is adultery - and in the face of incontrovertible evidence the court will be much more likely to take your side.

I have never regretted exposing my wife's sleazy affair. Keep working on yourself whilst doing this and expect little from your wife while the affair is in progress. Be respectful to her, don't get angry or namecall but you must tackle her affair head-on. In my experience, adulterous wives only understand one language and that is "hard consequences".

Man up! Your wife will respect you, even if she gets enraged, threatening etc.

hold on big guy.

before exposing your wife as a whore, I think you should consider just THREATENING to exposing her and taking a hard line. certainly threaten to expose her if it doesnt cease immediately, or she can make a hard choice and go to this man.

actually I think you have it all on your side, this man isnt even in your state. thats cool! hard to get physical when they arent available. also, that tells me your wife is mostly just wanting to be wanted and desired and appreciated, and probably its quite convenient for her that hes miles away.

in your case you need to take a HARD LINE but dont go TOO hard TOO fast. this isnt physical! (or do you suspect it was?) tell her your done and she can pack her stuff and get out if she doesnt cease and desist... NOW. AND tell her you have evidence (tell her that even if you dont) and will expose her. ALSO tell her you'll confront this man.

MAKE IT HARD FOR HER.

I really think in these early days you have a great chance at snapping her out of it by takin control and being strong. try it it cant hurt but dont go around destroying her rep right now - just the threat you might, could be enough.

and while your at it please confront this lowlife! ring this guy and tell him to P OFF! dont lie down quietly - kick up some FUSS with this man. He might not be so KEEN once he knows your sniffing all over this! also tell him she gets nothing and no money if she leaves so he can forget it - he sounds like a user; maybe hes out to feather his nest???

SOME MEN become OP's to get whats YOURS. tell this idiot he gets nothing that belongs to you, now or ever, due to the evidence you have. be FIERCE in that. if theres nothing in it for him he might let go. just listening to his MO by what you said, hes JUST the type to think your wife might be able to set him up WITH YOUR MONEY.

you cut that dream short. also act like, if this ENDS NOW, i will forgive you but if it DOESNT, i will never ever speak to you again and you will never see me again in ALL YOUR DAYS. I will CUT YOU loose. say this with conviction! you have a long history its GOING to hurt like mad!

GO YOU.

and IN ALL DUE RESPECT to R and his great post, as a wife who had an affair....

some of us DO want to be saved. sorry. hate to burst the bubble but yea I will admit I was in a place I was so angry at the H, and so peeved, and I wanted him to FIGHT FOR ME.

I felt he'd never done so in the years we were together and yes I did need to feel that I was actually fought for.

dont be so quick to apply male psych to female psych EARLY IN AN EA. its not the same and never will be.

John,
She's cakeeating. Puppy had it right- space means space to conduct my affair. Speaking as a FWAW.

I never exposed my ex's affair and Im now D'd. I did expose it to her family and mine which she was pissed about but NOT to her employer who she had an affair with her mentor. Ofcourse she denied everything!!! Now looking back I wish I would have exposed it. I did have enough proof. She is still living a lie and dragging my daughter along for the ride. Part of me was like "why should I want to be w someone that doesnt want to be with me.." So I didnt push it, but now I wish I had because she is still very screwed up.

EXPOSE!!! EXPOSE!!!! EXPOSE!!!

PMA

G'Day Fighting Fit,



She is (emotionally at least) already with the OM. By threatening to expose BigJohn will simply be raising the guard of his wife and driving the affair deeper underground - it will make her more deliberate and secretive.

Once exposure has happened, suddenly and without warning she will have to deal with the consequences of committing adultery.

BigJohn, if you don't expose you are enabling her and allowing the fantasy which propagates her affair to stay alive. You're making it easier for this junkie to get her fix.



In my situation, my wife lied through her teeth to OM as well. She was very adamant that I didn't confront him but I did anyway. The reason why she didn't want me to confront him? Because then all of the lies she had told him would be invalidated. This was very true - OM was extremely surprised that I had his number - I told him I knew the names of his family, date of birth, address everything and that quickly altered a few dynamics.

STAND UP TO YOUR WIFE! have some self respect and your wife will respect you back. Belive me on this.

Some great posts guys, much to consider, thank you!!!

Well here is the latest: He told her last Thursday to stop contacting him period because she is married. Supposedly he's getting a little guilty, according to my W. My strong perception, GH31, is that her parting response to this was to express her undying love and commitment to him and to promise him the world. Yes, no doubt an act of desperation in an attempt to entice him back. While she believes he feels the same infatuation as she still does, I'm thinking he may have grown tired of it all. Who knows, perhaps my perceptions will change in the coming days/weeks. In any event, her position currently remains to eventually seek divorce and either find a guy here in Cali JUST LIKE HIM (OM) or live happily ever after alone with my kids with me out of the picture. Don't you just love the complete lack of reality in their thinking? Anyways, right now, she is feeling very pissed off and negative, so my instinct for the moment is to back off big time for a few weeks and see what happens.

Hello again BigJohn,



If I'm not mistaken can't a divorce be taken care of pretty quickly in the US, particularly in California? What's she doing about it? If she's not doing much then she is still fence sitting and hedging her bets. She is fine to use you for now for financial support, company and the rest. If that is her position then tell her to hurry up and get out of the house.



This is where you need to man up. Get keyloggers installed on your computer and gather incontrovertible evidence that an affair is taking place. If it gets to divorce stage you will be able to show the court that adultery is in progress and that your wife is unfit to have custody of the children.

Do not shrink from doing this. By doing this you are not being malicious to your wife, you are being a great father by protecting your kids from the vile sickness that is adultery. If you don't then you're showing them with your actions that you approve of your wife's behaviour and her lies.



This is due to rejection from OM and withdrawal from the love chemicals that would have infected her brain during the affair. She will be like this for a while (that's if there's no contact with OM), after which she'll return to her normal self. However, experience tells me that she will be trying to contact OM to reignite the affair. Think crack addiction - she will do literally anything to keep the affair going, together with all its drama.



Textbook affair situation.

They are built on fantasy. Adulterous wives need to have reality (not us) kick the crap out of them until they accept what reality really is. Let her suffer the consequences of her adultery. Once she realises that she's made poor choices and starts making some good ones, life will cease kicking her and start to reward her.

hi GH31...

ok maybe its bc of where I AM LIVING, but exposure doesnt make a difference to divorce in my country. we have 'no contest' divorce. no one 'asks' you what happened. there is no 'why' and it makes no difference in splitting the marital assets. no judge sits there and reads a 'story' from both parties about why they split up... it doesnt happen here... i know it does in america... but not here so if I seem to not be so hell bent on 'getting proof' maybe you can understand why? ie it doesnt make a difference legally anyhow here? you must be separated 12months before you can file and thats the ONLY rule, and you must file for property division within 18m of a divorce. that is all.

im also all about exposure too but sometimes it doesnt work; I exposed my H straight away to his family, but it didnt make a difference - I also exposed him to his work and friends. lol the funny thing was in the end he used that as an excuse to abandon our kids emotionally an financially... so ... although I think its definitely a final option when one is forced... im not so gung ho on it now...

but if i lived somewhere that property and such it made a difference i would of course