Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW1 - Anticipation2

Mark, My H also is pis*ed off out of all proportion as well. My C calls it 'contempt'. Whatever it is, DB's philosophy is to take the focus OFF out spouse and put it back on ourselves. To see my positives in ourselves to take one step at a time and walk towards our goal of getting to be a better person, a better parent. The other posters here are right.

So what if you W is spewing negatives at you. You know that she is fogged out, right. This may or may not be a permanent state of mind for your W but if you continue to concentrate on her, you will lose the motivation that you have built up so far. It's time to remove the toxicity from your life. If she is making you feel back about yourself and she won't listen to reason (which is what is happening) then you need to remove yourself from it. Maybe even just pick up kids and leave, no convo. Don't stick around for her to pick a fight with you.

The only thing is, I would not drop in unannouced. I feel that my H feels he has too much right to our family home and if he dropped in unannounced I would not like it either. You do need to respect her 'space' and give a headsup beforehand. You probably expect the same from friends and family. She is trying to draw boundaries. Fine. Let her draw boundaries if she thinks it makes her feel better. She is in a volatile state now, she will be for awhile. You can choose to go head on with her or choose to avoid the volcano. Your choice.

I think sometimes men in general, of course, has a reaction to 'do something' to help fix a woman's problem ,e.g. her lawn issues. But women in their mind is just voicing thoughts and may not necessarily looking for someone to take over the chore. It's a delicate communication between the sexes misunderstanding. Men are from Mars explains this well.

But since you don't live in the home anymore, I would make a mental note in your head to NOT do things for her that is out of the realm of the children. She has chosen to leave you, she has to come to terms with the consequences. Big and small. No other reason than for you to start respecting yourself and not regret being 'made to do' things for her, even though she didn't actually 'make' you but is just complaining verbally. OK? Set boundaries, respect yourself. It will make you feel a whole lot better.

Yep -- absolutely!

Puppy

What they said.

Mrs. SP: D6 wants to start riding her bike without training wheels. Can you show her how to do that?

SP: Of course.

Mrs. SP: My computer won't find the WiFi, can you fix that for me?

SP: Of course not. [(A) I'm not going into "that" house and (B) fix your own d*mn computer -- unless you're going to pay me as a networking consultant]

I take all your posts onboard and I thank you for that.

PositivelyMommy, Puppy and SP, I can understand totally as you are all in agreement, that I should draw a boundary in regards to doing things for my W and/or house that are nothing to do with the children.

As she seems to do on a regular basis, I was sent me a text by my W this morning apologising for her manner in regard to me turning up yesterday to say hello to the children. She went on to say I really need to let her know if I am going to come around to the house. I validated this without apologising and told her I would have rung if I had had my mobile with me. She then went on to give me a list of times/dates when it would be convenient to clear a carpet from the house for her. I did say I would help her with the carpet but I would let her know when it was convenient for ME.

In light of the posts above, should I know tell her I have no intention of clearing this carpet as it does not affect the children, and if so how would I tell her this without it causing an issue. Do I tell her straight that I will not help her or anything to do with the house?

Link to 'dropping the rope' by gucciloafer

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1764476&page=9#Post1764476

PositivelyMommy, Puppy and SP, I can understand totally as you are all in agreement, that I should draw a boundary in regards to doing things for my W and/or house that are nothing to do with the children.

As she seems to do on a regular basis, I was sent me a text by my W this morning apologising for her manner in regard to me turning up yesterday to say hello to the children. She went on to say I really need to let her know if I am going to come around to the house. I validated this without apologising and told her I would have rung if I had had my mobile with me. She then went on to give me a list of times/dates when it would be convenient to clear a carpet from the house for her. I did say I would help her with the carpet but I would let her know when it was convenient for ME.

In light of the posts above, should I know tell her I have no intention of clearing this carpet as it does not affect the children, and if so how would I tell her this without it causing an issue. Do I tell her straight that I will not help her or anything to do with the house?

Mark,

Since you already committed to it, I would do it, but at a time that's convenient for YOU, as you mentioned. And after I'd done it, I would calmly tell her that from now on you are only available to help the children. If she asks you "Why?", just say "Because that's what I've decided would be best for me."

Puppy, with special thanks to Gucci Loafer, from whom I got the "I have decided that ...." technique. I'm lovin' that.

Thanks Puppy,

I appreciate the response. In my case if I state "Because that's what I've decided would be best for me" it would be construed as selfish which would be 'more of the same' as far as she is concerned.

I will use "Because that's what I have decided would be best for me AND the children"

This takes away any selfish aspect and puts the focus on MY needs and the childrens.

I left a answer phone message on the family landline to say goodnight to the children and also to tell my W I could not have the children overnight because of a therapy appointment I had the following morning.

She called me back and then proceeded to engage in the normal 'attack husband' stuff to the point where my son was crying his little heart out asking me not to argue with mummy. She used the old "you're selfish" card as she usually does. I could hear her in the background badmouthing me saying "daddy won't put you first" etc. After I calmed my son down I told my W not to do that EVER again. I told her I will always put my children first, but as usual she wanted to argue.

She then said I probably would not take the carpet away I said I would. I said I would as I promised, but I will let you know when I can.

Then she decided that I did not need therapy, she said "well can't you sort yourself out, why do you need therapy"? Again, this is an attack on me, she obviously sees this as a weakness that has again painted a picture of a weak, needy man. I initially did not tell her where I was going but because she was using the children as a weapon against me to ask why I could not have them overnight before my appointment the following morning, she assumed I was going out with a 'girlfriend' and did not want them. She appears to be losing her mind and just coming out with non-sensical rubbish. It is so difficult to keep a calm and cool conversation going with someone who appears to be going mad.

I feel deflated as yet again I have come away from a phone call on the defensive. Her anger does not seem to abate, though one minute she apologieses to me and is all nice, the next anger. I said I cannot talk to you anymore and ended the call.

How can anybody even begin to think of reconcilliation now or in the future when I am dealing with somebody like this?

Have I come across as a weak individual again?

I left a answer phone message on the family landline to say goodnight to the children and also to tell my W I could not have the children overnight because of a therapy appointment I had the following morning.

She called me back and then proceeded to engage in the normal 'attack husband' stuff to the point where my son was crying his little heart out asking me not to argue with mummy. She used the old "you're selfish" card as she usually does. I could hear her in the background badmouthing me saying "daddy won't put you first" etc. After I calmed my son down I told my W not to do that EVER again. I told her I will always put my children first, but as usual she wanted to argue.

She then said I probably would not take the carpet away I said I would. I said I would as I promised, but I will let you know when I can.

Then she decided that I did not need therapy, she said "well can't you sort yourself out, why do you need therapy"? Again, this is an attack on me, she obviously sees this as a weakness that has again painted a picture of a weak, needy man. I initially did not tell her where I was going but because she was using the children as a weapon against me to ask why I could not have them overnight before my appointment the following morning, she assumed I was going out with a 'girlfriend' and did not want them. She appears to be losing her mind and just coming out with non-sensical rubbish. It is so difficult to keep a calm and cool conversation going with someone who appears to be going mad.

I feel deflated as yet again I have come away from a phone call on the defensive. Her anger does not seem to abate, though one minute she apologieses to me and is all nice, the next anger. I said I cannot talk to you anymore and ended the call.

How can anybody even begin to think of reconcilliation now or in the future when I am dealing with somebody like this?

Have I come across as a weak individual again?