Hi AK, I don't think I've posted to you before but have been following along. I too had been having a lot of crazy nightmares, but not so much this weekend as my mood has been really up, coincidence, I think not! The stress definitely gets to us all.
Keep trying to see the opportunities as they come. I admire your strength through all of this.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I just was out to lunch with my kids and one of their friends. An old couple started making small talk and we had a lovely conversation. The woman mentioned that they had been married for 31 years and of course my mind was spinning and envious of their utopian life. Before we left, I spoke to the woman while her husband did a magic trick for the boys. Well, as it turns out, they were both married prior and had children and we talked a bit about that and it just sort of exemplified to me how things just aren't always as they seem.
The man told me that he was a dancer and that one day when he returned home from being on the road, he grabbed his wife's a** and told her he wanted to take her to bed. She told him to go f*** his mother. He said that was it, he left. And it is funny because I wanted to say "well what the heck was going on that she would be so angry and respond like that?" but I just smiled and I got it. He was who he was and he is who he is and he wanted to do his thing and have a wife who would want her a** grabbed and to ML upon his return. Who knows what else was going on? It didn't matter. And maybe he could have directed his energy toward THAT wife and healed that relationship but he didn't. He started anew and probably took the lessons learned into this marriage...
The point to me is that H's perception is what it is and 50 years from now, he may very well tell the same story he tells today. Out of my hands. And I may think that there is a way but it is not within my control to impart that to H anymore that I could have convinced this 81 year old that maybe there was more to his story. And I sure as heck wouldn't bother with that, he was happy as a clam with this wife.
It was a nice experience and I feel like I'm getting lessons.
Day by day you are gaining so much strength and it is coming through in your posts here and in your posts to others. You are learning so much about who you are and what you are capable of. I, myself, am learning that things happen for a reason. I am supposed to learn from the things that happen in my life and become the me I am supposed to be. This relationship taught me that I am the key to my happiness and that perception is a personal thing. I know that I will no longer settle for someone who says things and makes promises and never delivers with actions. I will live my life making me happy and providing my children with an environment conducive to helping them learn how to make themselves happy. I will always love my husband, but I look back and realize that I was in love with his promises and his words. This makes me sad. I always told him that I saw such potential in him and sadly he never did and probably never will. I can't allow that to hinder my growth and my becoming though. I will take what I have learned and apply it to my relationships now and in the future. I have done my homework on what I want from a relationship and what I need to do and be in order to cultivate that. It is what I want to do and what I will do.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
goingtofixME- Thanks so much. Means a lot to me. You have been such a beacon of strength and positivity since you showed up here, it was almost hard for me to even relate to.
Thanks to you as well. I appreciate your kind words. I have always been able to look on the bright side of a situation. It has served me well in my life as I have been through a lot in my 36 years on this planet. Do not get me wrong. My husband choosing to be with someone I thought was a very close friend and lying to me for such a long time did do its number on me, but I have decided to let him live with the choices he made and his lies. I have looked back at my relationship with my husband and realized that we honestly were not meant to be together. He made many promises based on what he thought he should be doing with his life and was unable to make good on them and felt like a failure. I had expectations that he would follow through on those promises and when he didn't I felt such resentment. To be honest, we should have never gotten married when we did. The age difference was just too great in regard to our relationship. He wasn't ready to be a dad to three kids. He wasn't ready to be responsible for anyone because he hadn't ever learned how to be responsible and take care of himself. I wanted to rescue him and help him become the better person he wanted to be. Too much wishful thinking on both of our part. I wish it didn't end the way it did, but it probably had to end this way for me to be able to get over him and move on. I would probably still be trying to reconcile with him otherwise. I haven't heard from him in over a month. I haven't seen him in the same amount of time. I no longer look at his profile on MSN. I no longer check to see if he has been on youtube. I felt like a rabid stalker doing so. I also have made a point of going the long way to work and haven't been by the gym since I took his mail to him the last time. I haven't emailed him since May 9th. I won't contact him ever again. I will be divorcing him as soon as I have the money to do so because he won't do so. Just another thing for me to have to pay for, but I will finally have peace in my life. I will be able to get on with where my life is going. I will be free to be me and this me is one who has learned so much.
I will be here posting when I feel the urge.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
AK...well I was trying to catch up on your thread and I came across the poem you shared...it was great! Did you just write that? Did you feel good after you wrote it....was it a release for you?? I so wish I could put my feelings down eloquently like that. I am sure you have alot of other beautiful poetry too. You are awesome!!! I too think that the mornings are the hardest...(something touched on a few posts back.)...it is like such a weight that is dropped on your shoulders from the moment you open your eyes!!! UGH!! Hope this finds you well...and thriving!!!
thinly peeled layers seeing things all hazy heart beating so fast tired, amped and crazy
make it to the top i'll watch and crumble quietly observing takes less guts than living crying hurts more than giving love is nothing but a word that haunts with meaning fleeting day by day still i long for and wish those words could whisper my pain away
but there's nothing there but steely tones the lack of feeling penetrates my bones
drama yes, humiliatingly raw my mind is a whirl i feel like just a girl silly and awkward and blushing and flawed the torture of age is more than just wrinkles but the vacuum of knowledge can't i even know what I thought I knew?
so that a screw will do any piece of you laying with me on top or beside gentle or brutish a cuddle or pounding feels like life breathed back into a corpse and I get to feel like the woman I thought i was if only for moments that devolve into memories i reflect on, dissect and explore for some meaning usually to conclude it was all so demeaning
must i be deprived of my crack? do i have to drive a wedge? the flowers smelled so lovely, your body heat so warm damn you for leaving and staying at once make me pluck you out of the crevices one by one and send you off so i can fulfill your expectations I'm the rejector, the bitch, the ball-buster slowy but surely you ARE losing your luster
cause the tearing and scarring, they don't turn me on how long will i want you just because you're gone?
come closer please spend a bit more time remind me why i loathed you and sunk into my "mine" repulse me with your bragging and "woe is me" ways can't we have another marathon of f*cked up days? so I can remember that I want to run? that you are not the one who is tossing me out that really you drain me of life and inspiration?
The further you are, the more i am longing i hear the Debussy remember the Baudelaire mmmm...you are smooth with your music and rhymes you'll have a field day out there wooing anew yep, you were deep you were smooth, you were romantic did i turn you into this? did I miss all that splendor? or were just a star-f*cking cad and I, your clueless defender
too tired to figure it out? so am i why is it that I even try? quiet my mind. make it still just one time tell me you love me tell me if you were half of who I thought you were, you would be here the man I wish you would be.
Goodbye my love, or weighted glove or piece of cr*p or beautiful sap this long goodbye, another waste of words so much said, but so little purged Goodbye you, whoever you are. Goodbye.
I so feel the part I highlighted in blue. Thanks for posting this!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Well, with all of my "mojo," I woke up again sweaty and nervous and nauseous. Somehow in my sleep, I think I dream about and start devising how to just make this all better. My kids need their dad...and again, I wondered, shouldn't someone point out the suffering he is causing them?
Back on the horse. Get my head screwed on straight and do my day. I'll pull it together.
And, sadly, Nicole, as the last part expresses, I never seem to have purged enough...
I'll be back with something positive after I shake off my funk and take a shower.
