Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--the saga goes on

AFWAW,
I am glad for you and think this will be for the best...the longer you let this go the worse it will end up for you and your daughter.
Have you had any luck with the name your daughter found in the computer game? If so can your friend find where he works? PERSCO will know and your CC can find out.

Do yo have an idea what you will say to your wife if she says that she wants to work on the marriage? What if she says no?
What is the plan for this weekend if she says yes or no? Will she make an honest effort to try or is this just eyewash for your daughter? If you take a trip who sleeps where?

I hate to say this but you would not be the first to discover he had an STD and if she admitted four affairs in 7 months I wonder what else were you not told.

Stay calm, try to maintain your emotions, your goal if this goes further should be for her to know you are a good man, kind, loving father, and not have her last memory of you be negative. If she says no just tell her I am sorry you feel that way and cut contact with her...if OM is gone for the long weekend you will not get a much better chance to set this up...even better if your daughter doesn't want to be with her although I hate to see her having to choose one of you so try not to put her in the middle...it it so sad that she missed the concert. Did she give you a reason? Curious if the OM is back in town.

Have you decided on what you want to do...short, mid, and long term...for your personal growth. Advanced degree or another BS, something you are interested in for life after the AF? Savings goals? Probably the most common problem I see is underestimating the amount of money needed after retirement...if you are not ready do not retire before HYT.

Keep up the positive strong attitude.

V/R
W

AF,

Listen to Hoop.

Puppy

It is the opposite of what we need, and the Bush administration was no help at all either.

Oh, and I would follow Hoop like scripture.

Burt

Hoop,
I'm just tired of the heartache. No luck w/ finding the OM's name at this point. It may be a few weeks and I have a feeling that MIL scared the W into cooling it off for a while--possibly, call it a feeling. I will still attempt to find out the OM's name and type of vehicle so I can verify if he is visiting the W still.



Yes, I have an idea of what I want to say. Something to the effect of that's great, let's put all our cards on the table about what we want and where we want to be as man and wife. Also, we need to start out w/ clean slate on everything! It will not work IMO w/o a clean slate. She needs to let go all the past hurts as do I. She didn't mention the trip last night and I didn't pursue it. She did mention that she was upset that my D didn't want to spend time w/ her and said something about D made plans to spend time w/ a friend? I knew nothing about it.



She claims she's been checked out--this is the least of my worries right now. When and if she comes home we can broach that subject.



It is difficult to maintain my emotions at this point--I have never felt this much pain in all my life--I really wish it would go away. If she says no, I have no choice but to cut contact w/ her. This will be the only way I can survive and maintain my sanity. As far as missing the concert, she didn't give a reason, a valid one anyway--she claimed she just didn't remember--very sad as it was really good.



I have not decided anything at this point. I figure I will stay in a least one more year and see how I feel. My mind is so clouded at this point that I feel it would be unwise to make a life-changing decision. However, if we decide to divorce, I will float my resume up and down the east coast and if offered a job comparable to what I'm making now, I will probably accept and retire from the AF so that I can provide a more stable home life for my D free of deployments.

I have no idea about the OM. I suspect from her daily calls and desire to spend time w/ me and my D this weekend that he is either out of town and/or she has decided it would be wise to cool things off right now due to MIL warning of possible exposure. W asked me about this last night again if I had called MIL.

I was working on my Master's before I left for my deployment but have decided to hold off a bit till I can regain my focus. As far as money is concerned, I'm good for right now. Not a lot saved and I will be better off when our house sells but I don't see retiring until I have a job lined up. Hopefully, today is the day the wife gets out of her funk. I'm praying that it is.

It is the opposite of what we need, and the Bush administration was no help at all either.

Oh, and I would follow Hoop like scripture.

Burt

AFWAW,
You need to have other tasks to take your mind off this at times...one online class would help you focus and give you an "out" if you needed it when your W ask what you are doing...it would also help you not think that a night out at the bar is your only option when your daughter is with her mother. You need multiple tasks and to be able to juggle these tasks and pritorize them as needed...the situation with your W should not be foremost in your thoughts 24/7.

I am worried about you becoming clincally depressed. Any efforts on bumping up your PT score...do not fall in that trap of I am done for the year. Set personal goals that you can do such as 10 seconds off your runtime per month. Two extra pushup and one extra situp. PT is better for treating depression than drugs (if you believe the doctors)

Are you trying to sell the house? Not a good time right now...if you can rent it and cover the payment consider waiting...use the house as part of your longterm retirement plan. Think of it as an annuity that you leave for your daughter and supplement your retirement...the economy will come back...a rental is a great tax benefit. That is how many make a living doing this...multiple properties making a few hundred dollars each per month add up...if it is in good shape you will always be able to find a renter. Check with a Property Management firm to get an idea...buy a CD worth 2-3 months rent and save it for your emergency payments.

Hard call on retirement...I have to agree with you that your daughter needs the stability right now...do you think you will deploy again when your turn comes around? Any special dutys you can take to hold off for now...I would like to see you pickup SMSgt/CMSgt and do 30...the retirement is a big difference from your current situation and should also be an incentive for your W to have a better understanding of money...

For you to think about...your W really needs to wake up if her fear is money and your ability to find a job later. This is what your (and hers) retirement fund is worth right now according to MilitaryTimes

So, going back to the E-7 with 20 years of service, what is his military pension of $20,052 per year really worth? Most experts agree that to ensure your retirement funds will last a lifetime, you cannot take out more than 4 percent of your capital each year. If you wish to increase your retirement income each year to keep up with inflation, a 3 percent withdrawal from capital each year is a more reasonable figure. To replace an annual pension of $20,052 based on a 3 percent withdrawal rate, you'd need $668,400 ($20,052 divided by 0.03 equals $668,400).

I show this to you knowing you probably already know but reality is you and your wife are worth about $1.2M when she hits her 20. It will be more since she has 5 yrs to go and you will move to 62.5% of your base pay. Her argument about poverty is not valid...I doubt 2% of the population is worth that much at 44ish yrs old...so you get those thoughts of living on the street out of your mind. You are not going to be unemployed, you are not going on welfare, you are not going to lose everything you have...selling the house is just not a good idea right now so add it to your portfolio...call USAA for free advice.

Don't get down on yourself...blood in the water for the sharks to attack you.

V/R

I'm starting to fear that as well.



I PT almost every day. Got a 90 on my PT test the other day. 11:27 on the mile and a half. I think working out has saved me from being a true basket case.



Not at this point. As you indicated, it's not a good time and I have at least another year at this assignment.

Yeah, the wife needs to decide or I'm going to have to force her hand. I'll keep you posted. Thanks...

Yeah and what ever happened to commitment? Entitlement is not only killing our country but also marriages in that once something seems not to be working...they just walk. Like they are entitled to have a relationship that doesn't take work. One person feels "entitled" to go out and ruin many lives (the lives of those who love them) because they "deserve" it. Ugh. I truly believe that something worth having is worth working hard for and I know this is why we are all here. Don't give up...I know I wont until I know that I have worked hard enough for what I believe. Love is never enough...which is why I love you but I am not in love with you is complete B.S. Good luck to all.

I completely agree. That is why I let mine go so I can find someone that truly "get's it". Sometimes were trying to make lemonade from apples.

God Speed. PMA

John,
I know you are tired...you are going to be more tired before this is over...you are going to have to dig deep inside and keep trying...you will know when it is over and only you can decide. Sometimes you will just have to make yourself keep keeping on, you have to for your daughter.

I like your idea of everything on the table but do not expect it from her no mmatter what happens with your marriage. If she agrees to come home try to start meeting with a chaplin trained in couple counseling. It will help.

The STD issue is your call...if you think you hate her now add an STD to the situation and you will know anger...why did she get checked out? That is unusual without the BS forcing the issue...just be careful...some of those diseases can kill. Someone has to be around for your daughter.

You are doing much better than you think controling your emotions...it is obvious to us here...use this forum to vent and ask questions...if you have to go NC you will have a down day for a few but will get better as you establish a routine. If that happens there are many ways to work with a third party so no worries.

Good heads up thinking on no major decisions for a year or so...many just throw up thier hands and quit at your stage. Don't waste the year though...that Masters will really help you later in life...finish it now using TA and use the GI Bill when you get out as a backup with a guaranteed E5 BAH rate coming in monthly or you may be one of the lucky ones that can give it to your daughter (check this before you get out)

Don't expect anything...believe nothing you are told and evaluate what you see...many ups and downs. FTR, I say keep trying a hundred times as long as you maintain your self-respect...do not believe anything she tells you about the past and you are not a bad person. She has the issues...not that any of us could not improve a little bit.

Take care,