Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Anyone else been truly abandoned? I'd love to hear

I think you have to do what feels right to you. If you allow yourself to be pressured into making nice when you don't feel like it, your head will explode-- just my opinion. If you are absolutely certain you wouldn't want this man back under any circumstances, then I don't see that you don't owe him or his family anything.

That said, you can't stand in the way if your kids feel like reconnecting.

Although my situation is different from yours, there are a few similarities.

My Husband also packed up his stuff and moved far away, 3000 miles from me and the kids to start a new life for himself.

When he said he wanted a fresh start he wasn't kidding.

He got a new name, a new job and a brand new life for himself.

My inlaws completely cut off from the kids when he left.

I read your other thread and agree with many of the things you have shared about the children.

Do you have a facebook account?

Perhap you could sign up, there are many of us over there, you can find me over there with by looking up Brand New Day.
There is even a DB fanclub!!!

Your situation is one of the hardest I have read about. I can't blame you for feeling furious w/ILs. But think--what would you do if it were your kid? One thing I have realized is that MLCers lie and exaggerate.

My ILs were going to be all nicey-nice and be supportive of everyone. While I felt for them, I also was not going to see them take OW to the nicest restaurants in town and basically make it easy for H to divorce me. They are not in touch with me but I still send them pictures. I am going to be the better person.

I tried the same initially, and sent pics and whatnot. But in the end I just could not get *over* the fact they accepted what he did, considering she was a RELATIVE and her age. I tried to put myself in their position - I do have two sons, my oldest is 17 this year - and I realised nope, I wouldnt have accepted it from my boys. I would not have tried to brush that off; I'd have been furious and done everything to put an end to a travesty like that happening in my family. I dont respect the fact they didnt do more. Although true he lied and carried on, his actions demonstrated what was REALLY going on. When they found out he had her here, they actually took her around town and what not! their excuse relayed to my mother from his brother was that "my mother wanted to meet her great grand daughter" (yes thats right, tho they began their affair when she was just 17, she already had a three year old child, and bought her out here with her.) I dont think thats much of an excuse; MY kids are her grandkids what about them?

Things further deteriorated when the IL's went over to the UK and visited with them, and it was relayed to my mother (once again thru the BIL) that after seeing them all and speaking to them all they decided that I was 'crazy' and that it 'hadn't happened like that she exaggerated everything'. thats certainly what the EX said all along. but again: his actions belied that and they're not stupid people. so after that, I butaned the relationship for good, telling them all via email to the BIL to never ever so much as look in my direction ever again. Im not sorry for that and never will be.

My daughter (16 this year) has seen them a couple of times at the mall and smiled at them but kept walking. I saw them once a few weeks ago - I walked past them. 20 years I was n their family and they should have chosen MY CHILDREN over the ex and their rotten granddaughter (OW.) after all, they are in the UK now, whereas my kids are HERE. I understand what they wanted to happen - to have a relationship with my children outside of me altogether - they made that clear with the birthday card to daughter last year. They are dreamin.

WOW....That is just an incredible story. It is truly saddening that a husband and family and can be so insensitive to the children and you. Did I really read you story correct...he left you for a 17 year old with a daughter? Some men need to flogged and beaten...I am all about DB'ing, but this is just wrong. It is people like this that laws are written about. In the end, his behavior definitely shows he was not worth your love, but the scars still remain all the same.

He ran off with his neice, his brothers daughter. At first it was an online affair, however I beleive he fully planned to sleep with her - he organised a holiday to go 'see the family' and managed to sleep with her "accidentally" it just happened - he was 40. her parents seemed fine with it; came back dumped us all, ran straight back there where upon he embarked on a 3 month live in relationship with her, felt sorry and bad so asked to come back home I said OK, lied to me never ended it, couldnt connect with us, and brought her out for a secret "holiday". after she left he acted like an idiot for 3 months, rfused to stop speaking w her, then ran back over there again. havent heard from him since.

My sitch was/is completely different, but I just wanted to say that your so-called H is not thinking with his brain (but, rather his what-not) and his family (you, his children and extended) are paying the price. He is infatuated with a 17 yr old girl who probably got a kick out of enticing a married 40 yr old man away from his family. Wow! Isn't she so smart ---- NOT! He, of course, has to find a way to justify it all. No matter whether you were as crazy as a coot --- he had no reason at all to turn away from the M --- he needed to deal with the R he was in first before going off with another (dare I say) woman/girl.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. You did nothing wrong. Your children did nothing wrong. Your H just couldn't believe a 17 yr old kid would actually let him 'do it' with her. And, then he wanted more. And probably having children close to OW's age made him feel guilty, and so he abandoned them too. All I would want from someone like this is back payment of alimony and child support and nothing else. His family too, can take a hike although it is up to your children if they want a R with them. They and he should be ashamed of themselves and maybe they are, deep down and that's why they can't face you. I would request from your mother that she support you in your decision to not have a R with them. Forgive them, maybe, but to have a R with these toxic people, would be unreasonable a thing to ask of you.

I wish you the best!

Oh, and you just never know --- this niece could've asked your H to abandon you and your children and move to the UK as proof of his 'love' for her. This is what 17 yr old kids do and probably a 40 yr old MLCer just loved the idea.

What a dufus!?

BeingMe, your totally spot on... and yea everything he did and said was SOOO juvenile and teen angst, I KNEW it was coming alll from her, not from him. you could just tell. it was all very immature and really spiteful - it was like he would stop at NOTHING to prove his never ending 'love' for her. And yes I do think she thought it was "fun" and a ego boost to steal away a middle aged man. I know that if she had not had support from her parents in doing this, it would never have gotten as far as it did; they are reprehensible. I think they thought it was 'cute' and in their minds, I was a terrible person and the kids were ungrateful, so why not he move over there and spend the rest of his days looking after their beloved daughter??? blech!

It does disgust me - he tried to play it down to me telling me he wanted to 'help' her and that I 'couldnt stop him' from 'helping' her. When I asked, what FROM? he wuold not elaborate; apparently helping her involved a lot of use of his penis, funny thing that.

I know he was ashamed bc he wuoldnt admit it to ANYONE not even his mother at first, he didnt admit it to HER until I outright told her and forced the issue thinking she'd be of some help (hah!) she actually had the hide to say to me, "what do you care, you dont want him". UM HELLO ITS INCEST??? I just stared at her. I thought I knew that woman I guess NOT.

I would LOVE to get my back child support I am owed 14 thousand now but i seriously dont see myself ever getting it. He is determined not to pay me any. TO him, I am the problem an I am a terrible person and I 'turned his kids against him'. He even once had the sickness of mind to say to me "you couldnt get osmeone that young". um, no, but then I wouldnt WANT to now would I.... duh.

His MLC borders on mental illness; he said such insane things to me like that he "needed to be around young people, not guys but girls" and that "I need to live with a young woman". w t h. He admitted to me he'd taken drugs over there - I was INSANELY shocked, this man HATES drugs and has never so much as smoked a SINGLE bit of weed in his ENTIRE life - hes always been VERY judgmental of that kind of thing - and next thing he comes back 20kg lighter and telling me he needs to smoke weed - expensive weird hard to get here weed - to help him sleep! I think that was about the only time I absolutely denied what he was saying - it shocked me WAY more than the affair!

sadly, I think my ex took more than weed over there. When I had some physological counselling in the beginning my counsellor gently suggested to me he thought drugs had been involved - this was before I even knew. given his appearance and behaviour when he returned I think so; he was forgetful and locked his keys in his car time and time again, he said weird stuff, he made up stories, he freely ADMITTED to me he had lied to his OW and her family "more times than I can remember". I have to face the fact, his brain has fried... and hes not just never coming home; hes dead.

FF,
What you have described about the man's brain being fried, where words that came out of my mouth many years ago about my xh. Your h is having a difficult/severe mlc. He's truly gone off the deep end and if he ever wakes up, he's going to have a lot of damage to deal w.

About the girl, it's not only incest, but she's a minor. That can be looked upon rather badly as well. Whether she consented or not, it's looked upon as a type of statutory rape in my area. Your h has really lost his mind over this girl. BTW, the comments he has made to you are very typical of someone who has had a severe melt down. He really does sound a lot like my xh right down to the words/comments.

FF, I would continue to fight for the back child support and I certainly wouldn't let him off the hook for any monetary responsibilities. I know it's a rough road to travel and you cannot rely on his family to support you in any way. Blood is always thicker than water and they will never see things your way. Do you have family in the area? What about friends?

I'm very sorry you are here, but you are amongst some the finest, compassionate people. Each and every poster is on a journey that was shoved upon them, but we all have heard the same comments, seen a lot of strange behavior, been a party to the damage that has been done to us and our families and yes, we've managed to rise above the ashes. You will too in time.
Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time and know that no matter what happens, you will survive and become wiser than you ever thought you would be.

Please take care of yourself and your family.