Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

thanks Karen.

I am terrified. This is the biggest risk I had ever taken in my life. I am not usually a risk taker so this is so big.

He is withdrawing. I am trying to hold on for the rollercoaster. Hot then cold. I know he has a ton of thinking to do and he is awfully tormented. He is torn between his drug of choice and his kids. He didn't even want to talk about us the other night. Maybe too painful, maybe too guilty, maybe just don't want to work it out with me, I don't know. But if I had to guess, I think he won't ask to come back.

But I have been trying to get myself into a mindset of moving. So that is enjoyable. Nice fantasizing about my new life.

I just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing. Good for you for taking the bull by the horns. You are letting him know that you will proceed with what is best for you and the kids if he chooses not to be in your life. You aren't doing this in a malicious way, just a "I will do whatever is best for me and the kids way".

I read your posts.
I think you are amazing.
My husband was having an EA. It ended. And then started right back up and turned into a PA. But it died again, but apparently is heating up once more.
good for you. I hope you get everything you deserve because you deserve sooooo much.

Hi PM

You asked me on my thread to come and post a comment so here I am. I never realised you'd started up a new thread. Been so busy lately I can't decide if I'm coming or going. I'm not sure how much my male point of view will help but I'll give it a shot.

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing confronting him like that. As you were obviously aware, he was living his new life without having to face any consequences of his decisions. You were right to not allow him to continue like that.

Now for the possible down side. Since I read your thread I've been putting myself in your H's place to see how I'd feel. That's maybe not the fairest thing to do since obviously our sitch's are completely different. The bottom line though is that you may have backed him in to a corner and he may well resent you for that. Don't get me wrong, it had to happen. I know from my POV though that if my W decided to move away with Wee Man I'd definitely be very angry about it. The difference here is that with her whole family living here, it's very unlikely she would do that. If I was with someone else now enjoying a great physical relationship and getting all the love I needed and my W basically asked me to move home or lose my son, it would be a no brainer. No woman could ever possibly match the feelings I have for him and I'd like to think I'd instantly choose my son over OW. I'm a very determined person and I would try everything to make it work with my W. What it boils down to at the end of the day is what type of man is your H?

There is of course another possibility. He very well may be too deep with OW to get out right now and it will end up that you have to leave to be with your family. You've also said though that he is looking for a change of job. If you do end up leaving, the reality of losing his kids is very likely going to hit home in a big way then. He may very well follow you. It doesn't sound like he's as tied to his current job as he used to be. I know that's a very small straw to be clutching at but when you're settled in your new home with the loving support of your family around you, there will be no harm in waiting to see how things pan out in the long term.

You're very brave for what you've done and I admire you immensely for it. I realise that taking risks doesn't come naturally to you but you've done the right thing. Just look at all the support you've had on this thread to confirm that. You've possibly been doing what hasn't been working for some time now. It was time to leave the comfort zone and try something new. That's exactly what you've done and you should never feel ashamed of that. Even if it doesn't work out, this is something you needed to do for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. (((((PM)))))

Keep smiling.

Kev

Yoyo, yes, I am usually a woman of action so taking a backseat on things for the last year has been extremely hard for me. I like to plan and do things and get things done, check things off the list type of woman. So now I that I made him face himself and his fears and desires, I hope we can come to some sort of resolution. I am tired of hearing the lies and half-truths about his whereabouts and also him witholding information. It is extremely disrespectful to any spouse, let alone a wife of 15 years. Just tired of all the stress of it all. Want to rest and be with my family.

StillLovesHim, I am sorry you are on a rollercoaster from he*l. Your H is flipflopping like crazy and your hopes are up and down all the time. You must have the patience of a saint. I wish you the best of luck.

Kev, it is always nice to hear from you and I love your opinions, maybe because I am so naive about men (H was my first love). But they give me a window into the male psyche and maybe I feel I am spying on my H's mind when I read your advice.

You are absolutely right in your analysis. I know he is mad, mad at me, mad at himself and he feels he's been cornered. He felt this way when I first found out about A and I asked him who he wants to be with and he said OW because he loves her. Then he started to see a counsellor who has been helping him look at himself but also accept himself. But maybe backfired a bit as he found that he can have everything and not pay a price. He can do soulsearching, have a family and a mistress all at the same time because he has accepted who he was and he was OK.

So now that he has found out who he is, I want him to address the question again, Her or Family. His choice. Tough but simple. Can't have it all. He forgot about that for awhile and thought he could have it all. But nope, I am not OK with it and never will be. I can't heal if he is constantly disrespecting me. I can't heal if on Fridays I stress about seeing him again, he hanging out at the house for 5-6 hours every Saturday and then 7-8 hours on Sundays. I love that he choose to spend time with the kids and me but I can't detach if he is always here. I don't have another place to go, he does. I can't heal. So I ask myself, why doesn't he want the kids to himself. Is he using me for babysitting purposes? Or is he just used to having me around? I don't know. I can't keep asking myself questions anymore. Too tired. I can remove myself from his moods but I can't remove the hope from my mind. So that's how I got to this point.

You are right, Kev. I have been doing what is not working for so long. I needed to change it up it bit. I love my comfort zone but I need to 'man up' and take some challenges.

Thanks for your good wishes, everyone!

It seems he has contacted our IC for a meeting. My IC has been trying to set us up for a group meeting for the last 7 months. So will see if this time it will actually come together.

My H doesn't want to talk about the two of us at all. Nor does he want to make any decisions right now but since I forced my hand, he may be looking for IC to help him make a decision. Don't know. Actually, I think I can guess, he wants IC to help him convince himself that not stopping us moving away is actually a good decision for him so he won't feel so guilty about it. That's really what he wants, he wants to avoid pain. And right now, getting back together is not an option so the only choice he thinks he has right now is to be 'OK' with us moving thousands of miles away. Well, good luck to him. I told him the other night, in the words of my DB Coach, Joanne, 'I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.' I really hope he can be happy but I think it will take a long long long long time for him to get there because the guilt will eat him up. He is not a man without conscience. He might stick his head in the sand but he will eventually feel the pain. It is such a shame he won't work with me on this. I am so ready to meet him halfway and rebuild. But he sees no good in this. I don't know what convinced him. Maybe having OW. Maybe he thinks that he cannot possibly change or I cannot. But he is convinced, I know that.

I have to tell myself, just enjoy today, don't worry about tomorrow. I am envisioning my new life everyday and it gets easier and easier. I can't envision H coming back though, I guess in my heart, I know he is not ready and don't know if he ever will be ready. Doesn't matter.

It's time I do what is best for me. I have waited for my turn far far too long.

Hi PM

It was quite sad to hear you sounding so negative at the beginning of that last post. Luckily, I see by the end of the post that you still have the right frame of mind.

You should stop trying to guess or speculate on why your H has tried to arrange this meeting. Has he said any more to you about the reconcilliation? You seem to have a lot more information about his opinion of it since your previous posts. Was it him who told you about trying to set up the meeting and that he didn't want to speak about the 2 of you at all? If so, I'm truly sorry to hear that.

One thing I will say is that regardless if some counsellor tells him it's ok for him to allow you to move away with his children, it's still not going to stop him hurting further down the line as you've pointed out. Because of this, I can't believe any counsellor worth their salt would ever validate something like that. At the end of the day he has to make his decision. Nobody else can make it for him.

Also, if this new information has come straight from him it may just be a knee-jerk reaction. It's not been very long since you gave him the choice after all. As I said earlier, you backed him in to a corner and it looks as though he's starting to put up a fight. That may not be a bad thing. Do you think that it's a possibility he might be arranging this meeting to try and talk you out of moving? He may think that a counsellor will convince you that keeping the kids around their Dad is a good thing? Obviously that's just idle speculation on my part but I can't help thinking that there could be any number of reasons for this.

Don't lose hope PM. Nobody knows what's around the corner. Everyone on here can see you deserve every happiness. Take care.

Kev

Hi Kev,

Thanks so much for the post. No, I have not had any other contact with H. Just like a good DB'er I don't call him. But I got an e-mail from counsellor to say that since we both contacted him separately he wants us to go in to see him together.

The other night when we had out big talk, I tried to open up the convo regarding us, testing the water. I said, I am open to talk about my growth since this happened, my changes or we can talk about you and he shut it right down with, 'I am just concerned with the kids and my relationship right now' or something to that effect. He is still not ready to talk about us so I don't know if he will in front of the C. Looks like my H's schedule is very tight though and counsellor meeting won't happen till the first week of May.

My parents are coming in tomorrow night for a three week visit. Can't wait to see them, I used my miles to bring them here. Kids are very excited. I am sure H will feel awkward when he sees them as his last convo with my dad was this time last year and my dad told him how much he loved him and considers him his son and his whole message was one of love (my dad must be a closet DB'er). Anyway, I am sure my H will have a lot of conflicting emotions when seeing them again. My mom will keep her mouth shut as usual because she thinks he is no good and don't think he will come back. But she won't say anything in front of me because she knows it will give me pain so she keeps it inside but I know her well. God bless my parents, they are my rocks.

PM (((hugs))) so glad your parents are coming out. The distraction and support will be good for you. Like you I am here alone with D15 and it is tough, your kids will be thrilled and it will keep them busy.

My mom and D28 are coming in May for a visit. Like your Mom, she does not want to see H and I don't know how that will play out. She can be one tough bird but it is her right and they feel they have to support us.

Your H is still in that darn fog. I hope it does not clear when it is too late. Also glad you are being proactive and thinking about your needs also.

Keep your chin up and post here.

Hi PM

Thanks for your post.

I know I love my husband. I know I love my family. I'm not sure some days if this will work and other days I'm just positive. I hate this ride, but there was lots of warnings when I got on it that it would be crazy...but there is no way for anyone here to tell any newbie what it's really going to be like....kind of like child birth.

So what I do now is try to concentrate on me and S. Most days, I'm pretty good about it, but there are moments when I am just set off. I know, and I'm working on it. We actually didn't have R talks at all. But very recently, it's come up quite a bit. I have decided we are done talking about the R because I think we've made as much progress as we are going to right now and anything more will be detrimental. So yes, you are right, no more of the R talk.

No, I don't want a divorce. There are days when I just want this to end, but really, no I don't want a life without him. However, I'm more prepared for one with out him now than I was when this started.

Today we are at a point where THE line has not been crossed. I hope we can survive this and start dating again and create a new relationship where he and I are both getting what we need from the marriage and the support to do what we want outside the marriage. (Meaning we both need to have active lives outside of each other, which we both do now. And that's great. I didn't really before this all started, not like he did. I do feel great about that new improvement.)

He's told me that I've come a long way in terms of the therapy. I was shocked, not that he noticed, but that he said something about it.

So, one day at a time. We had a great day yesterday, and so I'm expecting little to nothing from him today. And then we'll have a great whole weekend, and then NOTHING on Monday. And so on and so on.

I just need to keep my cool. Lots of work still needs to be done there.

I've read your posts. You are amazing.