Hello Drew here and relatively new to the forums. Is anyone on here facing an anniversary in midst of a bad situation? June will be my 1st year anniversary with my wife. Assuming we don't separate by then in what way should we celebrate this? Should we at all? the bomb was dropped 5/7/09 so this is all very new and it has been a tense household with a few exceptions here and there. I had my 1st phone consultation yesterday which helped put in light the stages of this matter. Right now the dust is barely settling but no one said anything about not being friends. I am thinking non romantic present at the very least which the phone counselor said was a good idea esp at this stage.
Also, on an unrelated note I have ADHD and live with a dysthymic wife. I have made a lot of progression with ADHD before we met but of course what she sees now obviously is an issue. We have been together 2 years total and for the most part communicate well except for the times I am having a hard time with my disorder. Right now I think communication is part of the reason she feels like she needs to walk away. I have been detached and haven't spoken to much to her (my boundary - no r talks). Is it ok after the bomb to be this way with someone who thinks you are a spotty communicator? I am doing this because it seems like right now actions are the absolute most direct form of communication. Doing 180's, doing housework (never didn't do this but taking on chores i don't like), dressing nicely, got my hair cut and brows waxed (never done that - I am sure she has noticed but not said anything). Detachment seems to work well as she initiated cuddling a few days ago after i went to bed and just turned over. We had sex the night after the bomb. I've still been detached in bed except limbs touching each other at times through the night (it almost seems like such a game right now). Last night she mentioned that I haven't talked much in the last few days and asked if I was ok. I said yes. She has stopped wearing the wedding ring. She is still drinking out of the coffee cup with our picture on it. She still thanks me for the little things. Housework, and getting her some stuff for her art (found objects), also got her coffee and she seemed thrilled, also appreciated dinner last night. For some reason she doesn't like me making her nightly cocktail so I stopped that. I have 180'ed by drinking less in case she feels guilty the she and I drink on occaision (I don't feel good about it and want to cut back). So everything seems pretty confusing right now. I complimented her on how she looks last night (she is working out like crazy). She didn't seem to know how to take that but thanked me. This almost seems like teenage rebellion to me I swear.
And now for the really confusing part. Tonight she nagged me before taking my evening walk. I was stretching my calves on the wall and leaving scuff marks and she pointed it out and told me to use the carpeted stairs. I cleaned it up and did so. Isn't nagging a sign of someone who still cares?? lol.. perhaps I should have thanked her!
Phone coaching was fabulous btw... and now I am realizing I will have to be patient and compassionate in this situation.
Basically on 5/7 after I got grumpy with her being so aloof the night before she dropped the 'are you happy?' bomb. She then explained that she wasn't and said a good part of it was the situation with her twin sister moving with us into a larger townhome after sister's husband took his own life in Nov. 08. She further expounded that maybe I wasn't right for her and that she probably just wasn't cut out for marriage. She said she didn't think she wanted to work on it. She explained that she had thought about it for a little while (probably true she was acting aloof since Feb.) During that time she was very nagging and critical and I just took it because I thought I needed to show unconditional compassion to her and her sister. Before the sister's H death whenever she nagged or was critical I stood my ground and worked it out with her. Before this we had an excellent relationship. Yes there were rough times but it was the 1st few months of marriage. She really only seemed sad and depressed and critical during her periods (they are never consistent and very hormonal) but it got more frequent as the last few months after the holidays. Also winter took it's toll on her this year. She cannot stand the cold and I think the wishiwashiness of the weather this year really got to her. Finally when spring finally came she got on Wellbutrin. She seemed to improve and there were signs of her being her own (mostly) sweet self. She increased her dose a few short days before the bomb. I think she might be having a major depressive episode. She is only working on her art occaisionally and is only really paying much attention to her sister. They are completely wrapped up in each other except for the occaisional time that the sister hangs out with a guy she sees (this recently happened and my w really started clinging to her twin at this time). I told my wife a few days ago to consider seeing a therapist. She can have 3 free sessions with my insurance. She apparently had looked into that weeks ago but didn't follow through. I have decided to get counseling and am going to see a dr to get back on Strattera for ADHD. It really benefitted me.
Anyway, since Feb. my wife and I have had limited quality time w/ each other because twin is always around. It wasn't as bad the first few months since her H died but since Feb. has been practically insane. I know they needed their space together but I did get jealous, clammed up, and felt like a 3rd wheel. Of course I couldn't communicate this to my wife.
Anyway, the last few days I have tried to be as detached but as cheerful as I can around them. Been thinking of the 180's I can do and have worked on a few. Yesterday I bought the divorce remedy and also am looking for a way to justify the expense of more telephone coaching. Last night my wife finally asked to talk about the situation. There was no R talk which I want to avoid. Basically she asked what we should do? I kind of got sad and said 'you want to kick me out and divorce me right? ' she said 'I haven't looked into that'.. I said 'should we separate and see what happens?' she said 'That seems to be the logical course' I was somewhat relieved because on the day of the bomb she said she absolutely had no plans on helping save our marriage. I guess this must be evidence that she does.
Obviously my w needs space and clarity. I love her so much and that is why I want to give it to her. I know she has to do what she has to do. Our situation with the twin living here and her h's death make this case a little more unique not to mention crazy. Surely D is not the answer here. It seems like that would just send us all down a spirally abyssmal road that makes the current situation seem tolerable!
I am sorry if this is long and rambly. In my next reply I want to talk more about the twin. Right now I have to ponder what to write about that.
---- me-36 W-32 live in SIL-32 SIL H suicide - 11/09 ILYBIAMNILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
oh during the part where i was talking about her potential depressive episode I meant to say she has stepped her workouts to the level of really intense. She hasn't taken many rest days. Excercise and high activity are one of the things we have in common but she seems to really have made this a major crutch the last few weeks.
Just an update here. I've been doing fairly well. I have been going through the epiphany that patience may just pay off here. I find that talking to some friends are helpful and some not so much. I am not going to try to lean to heavily on them other than involving me in GAL. My wife and I haven't had any real conversation on potential separation since my last update to this thread. I wonder if she is still deciding. Last night I came in from work very chipper and joined SIL and W for tv. The last few days I had been going out or staying in but not interacting with them much. I told a couple of funny work stories and my w actually laughed and they talked about how they had done some new physical activity that they hadn't done since last summer. Even showed my their bruises *lol* (they are into footbagging which is basically volleyball with hackeysacks).. After a while we quited down and watched tv and played laptop scrabble games and my wife seemed to suddenly act morose. She lay on the couch like a scolded or sad puppy in the latter part of the evening. I just went along with my business on the laptop and SIL went to bed and we went shortly after but finished watching one of our favorite shows which we tiredly discussed while watching. I just don't know here.. The first week and a half is strange.. We've only been married one year so this month could be very interesting..
Part of the problem since SIL H death is I let my boundaries slip with my wife. When we lived together without SIL before the incident yes my W could be very critical from time to time (during period) but normally we communicated fine. We seemed to have a compromise and just had fun. I would tell her to cool it (maybe not immediately) if she got critical and she relented. After the incident I wanted to be strong for her (which she requested)so I became unconditionally compasionate. Whenever she got critical or aloof I just took it so she became more critical and aloof more often. She did get better when she get on meds but the bomb still happened (very shortly after her med increase). It sucks because I was ready to get on with life with my wife after this incident get my boundaries back, go to IC, and get on meds for ADHD. I just hope I can still make these changes (which I want for me) and it's not to late for us.
I still want to talk about the twin but am still kind of formulating in my head what to say. Sometimes getting things down in writing is hard! ---- me-36 W-32 live in SIL-32 SIL H suicide - 11/09 ILYBIAMNILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
Well my WAW asked me if I had talked to my parents yet. I may stay with them for a little while but I am not completely sure if we do decide to separate. That looks like the path she is on. She has told her mother and she was devastated.
This has me a little let down but I did not react. I've been practicing on the "act as if" exercise.. baby steps.. baby steps.. ---- me-36 W-32 live in SIL-32 SIL H suicide - 11/09 ILYBIAMILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
my wife is pretty brutally honest.. "don't believe in anything she says.. and only some of what she does." It is hard to concentrate on this 'exercise' when I know she is an honest woman.. I would love support on a reason to continue believing in that statement.
I figure that at some point she has to let her anger and disapointment subside. I really did enrich her life to a great degree and was the kindest guy she ever had an R with. At some point I figure that has to factor in her life. Right now it seems she is just trying to become as cold and numb as she possibly can even though I have detached and told her I accept the situation. Even though this has all happened so fast I have even managed to get some 180's in. I just hope that somehow at some point this has all been noticed.
Also I find it odd that she dropped this bomb on 5/7 which was a few days before her twin sister and her deceased H's wedding anniversary. I remember a couple of months after our brother-in-law passed my W mentioned she felt guilty that she had someone and that her twin lost her love to a tragedy. I know this situation plays in a lot with this.
Well now I am just wondering if I need to look into some LRT's since I will probably be out of the apartment totally within a few days. Any insight there?
---- me-36 WAW-32 live in SIL-32 SIL H suicide- 11/08 ILYBIANILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
today I started at an IC. The IC admitted he went through a divorce and is not a fan. So I am pretty pleased about that. Anyway, I feel proud that I am trying to move forward on my problems! Next week? I'll be on meds for ADHD!
my wife just asked me if I talked to my parents. I told her they were aware but did not have the whole scoop. I told her that this would be my last night sleeping here. I would keep the key because I am still on the lease to get stuff over time and maybe get a workout in when the twins weren't there until I found and alternate source. I feel proud. I was succinct and quick in saying this but it was not in anger. She seemed a bit humbled. I just want her to know that she can have her space.
