Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GETTING UN'STUCK'

If you were Brad Pitt, we wouldn't be having these discussions.

Attraction is like a drug high, so is falling in love.

Creating attraction is possible if you know what you're doing.

She strayed in the first place because of attraction.

Originally when you guys hooked up, she was attracted to alot of behaviors that you were exhibiting at the time. However, over time, you began to exhibit behaviors & traits that weren't attractive and she began to seek out those attractive behaviors in someone else, it's a subconscious thing.

She may have even been cruel & mean to you during the beginning of the affair, I haven't read this entire thread but you may have even exhibited weak behaviours like pleading & begging to her to come back and give the marriage another chance, etc. Huge attraction killer - don't ever show you're insecure about yourself & your current situation.

Free will is where it's at. The OM isn't controlling her, she can do whatever she wants and she is attracted to him without him even trying, think about that and all the effort you put into this situation. Time to let go of the "rope", time to stop trying, time to pull away. Have you heard of push/pull theory, look into and live it. Stopping pulling her toward you, she will only push you away even harder. Let go of the notion that you need her, detach, focus on yourself and your own life.

I'm going to say it even though it's not popular, date other women.

Currently there is a perception of value and this ties into the whole attraction issue. She perceives on a subconscious level that you aren't masculine enough, you don't have high value in her eyes, at least not higher than where she is currently. You need to change that. Stop showing you're insecure, stop talking about the relationship, stop working on it, forget about counselling, forget about dating her for the time being, don't buy gifts, don't supplicate her, don't invest any time, effort or resources in her, put it all in you. Once you do this and show that this isn't an act, that it's for real and that you value yourself as much if not more than you value her, she will see this. It's not an overnight thing either so don't expect lightning quick results.

Once she realizes that she can lose you, once she experiences the fear of loss when you start to gain in confidence,security,ambition,self-value,self-respect you will see that she will attempt to pull you back and when that happens, don't give in quickly, make her work for it, make her realize that you are something that is valuable and that she would be foolish to lose you.

We only value things or place value on things when we no longer have them. You only realize something is valuable once it's gone.

You aren't gone, currently you're always there, in her face, getting hugs & kisses from someone who is distant and going through the motions but not really wanting to give hugs & kisses. Don't they feel hollow? Does it feel good to hug someone who isn't really hugging you for real, just trying to act like they are? Surely you can feel the difference.

If the kiss isn't real why kiss her then?
If the hug isn't real, why hug her then?
If any touch between you & her isn't genuine, why go through the motions?

Are you hoping after a while she will just remember what it's like to be attracted to you and things will just fall into place again? Don't be foolish - this will never happen.

Rob, I have written nearly 1200 posts here. I invite you to read some of my earlier ones. I have clearly said, several times to everyone, that it was all my fault to cheat and I was a horrible wife and I understand why my husband hated me by the end of it. You can think whatever you want of the one or two posts of mine you read here and there, and I do feel bad that I may come across like a cheating skank. I understand that's how it looks and have come to terms with that.

To come to terms with it, I have spent all my life since my divorce studying to understand how I could have gone so wrong, why, how not to do it in the future, and have dealt with all my personal demons. The brief post above is only one tiny sliver of the picture, and I do not feel like it was my ex-h's fault that I cheated at all, in the least.

I have read and studied the topic of cheating for years now, and I do have a good understanding of it, from the inside and now, the out.

I wish you didn't feel the need to call me out and attack me, but what the heck...I'm sorry that you choose to do that, there's nothing I can do about it.

And finally - yes I agree I was a dumbass idiot skank to ever get involved with any of those OM's. I have figured out this part of myself and know what's up with it. That's why I want to help people understand their waywards...I *know* a lot about what goes on in their heads, unfortunately.

Stuck - I believe the first affair lasted about one year. And then I still worked with him 4 years after that.

DQ

Well maybe DQ it was a slip of the tongue on your part,
I only quoted what you wrote and discussed it further.

Michelle Langley has a great e-book on why women cheat, she has done a crazy amount of research on it and it's from a woman's perspective, if you ever get the chance, read it (this statement was intended for anyone reading this comment).

DQ you aren't an idiot, you made a bad decision, but don't let that decision label you as a specific kind of person for the rest of your life.

Wow what an animated debate this is turning out to be.

I think a combination of what DQ and robx says can work as both have their pros and cons. There is no complete answer.

The main problem I have with the dating is that it is like issuing an ultimatum. Plus it does go against what I believe as a marriage and would make me seem hypocritical.

I don't bring up R talks and only brought up things that bothered me when I couldn't take certain actions any more. Trust me, I'm no one's doormat. I've told her several times that if she didn't like what I was saying, she was more than welcome to leave. I told her that while I loved her, I didn't need her. The last time I said that was about a month ago and I really expected her to go running out the door at that point. Instead she stayed and even thanked me for talking to her.

After that talk, things were turning around for us. She was happier and more open. Then it was like another switch was turned on a couple of weeks ago and she went back to being distant.

Strange.

I was an idiot then, and I admit it.

I will never be *that* again.

I'm here to help others, and to still learn and grow. I agree with everything you write about male/female attraction dynamics and have had to learn all of that along my journey. I value how much YOU help others by sharing that info with them. I am silently agreeing with nearly every one of your posts.

For whatever that's worth...

peace.

DQ

stuck...do you belong to church or pray? Just curious.

DQ

robx,

Out of curiosity, is your approach how you were able to save your M? I like to use what works or doesn't work from other people's successes to help craft my own plan.

DQ,
Your insight is again great! When you were in the middle of your A. If your H was to give you an ultimatum, would that have worked for you? What eventually "snapped" you out of it?

In my W's case, I believe she was looking for a "father-figure" I think I mentioned to you before in one of my earlier threads. I filled that need for her until R maturity didn't outmatched my actual age. Plus we didn't spend enough time together after our first D was born and I didn't treat her as an "individual" woman. So when her boss came along, it filled that emotional void that was left by me.

We're still not reconciled but my wife is the one that initiates relationship talks, she is the one that takes me out to restaurants, buys me gifts, gives me great sex & attention & affection. She texts me dozens of times a day, calls me frequently and wants to spend time with and wants to "date" me.

Will what I did guarantee success at your end or anyone else's?
There are no guarantees.

But I know what I did is a 180 from what most typically do to get their spouses back because it isn't based on my logic, I threw that out the window a long time ago when I could see that what I was doing made me look more pathetic from her point of view.

Stuck, I think I had somewhat opposite dynamics in my marriage as yours. My ex-h was the father figure AND nice guy, and I cheated with the bad boy. And yes, this all happened during a time when I was immersed in "baby" intimacy, but my ex-h and I didn't strengthen "our" intimacy. Its easy to see in hindsight.

I guess I am different than many in that my A was always shameful to me, I never felt like he was my "soul mate", I always knew it was wrong and always feared getting caught. I was not getting the "love" high out of it, I was getting the "sex" high from it. Therefore it was always very shameful to me and I didn't understand why I kept going back for it. And by "it" I only mean flirting and talking and hanging out. This type of EA went on for nearly the whole A and I only slept with him 3 times at the very end. So nearly the whole thing was purely EA but highly sexually charged in nature, and then we sickingly "did it" finally...and then I ended it quickly, knowing I must be insane as this man was a horrible person.

I apparently was, too, I concluded.

So not only would I have left OM in the dust if my H had given me an ultimatum, I actually gave myself the ultimatum and left OM in the dust way before my ex-h ever knew (for sure) about the A. He had suspected it, but never confronted me. If he had, I would have fallen apart and begged forgiveness. I kept the secret for 4 years and then DID fall apart, confess, and begged forgiveness.

As you can see, many variations in people's stories exist, so its best to do lots and lots of reading to fully understand a very big picture.

In many ways, my story is unlike others here, as I was repentent always from the start (and during) and did not blame my ex-h at all at that time, or now. I still regret it all, and I don't think most WAW's will say that they regret their actions to you NOW....but give them all 10 years or so....I think every one comes to terms eventually with ways they've hurt people. EVERYONE.

DQ

So how fast did your W turn around after you started dating? Again, just curious. And is there any reason why you're not reconciled if she's doing all that?