It sounds like you did a great job, to me! I don't think you could have been any more clear, and you did it without attacking him. You've given him a choice. He can make what he thinks is the right choice for him, and you can make the right choice for you.
I'm glad that you have been able to get youself to that point where you can say to your H "it's now or never" and know in yourself that the never doesn't mean the end for you.
Well lets wait and see which way your H decides to turn.
It always comes down to the same question or common denominator....
in or out? you asked him that question today.....are you able to answer it before he does.....a few days ago I asked you if you loved your husband....I can not remember if I got an answer...
I have been on here for way too long and read alot of interesting amd well meaning people. This place probably saved me....but there comes a time when we need to weigh the pros and cons of what we are doing or not doing...and just answer the question....
My mom left today for 4 days. With no warning. I think she is finally breaking down. She went to her village, she feels good there. I am happy for her only that my kids are out of school tomorrow, my dad cant take care of them, the babysitter cant come and I cant stay home. I texted H (no contact all day) and he called me and suggested he sleeps over tonight so the kids are not alone in the morning. I didnt want him here tonight but his help is of course welcome and appreciated and I agreed.
Today, I felt great. More energetic and calm. I actually think I did get to that point where my fear is smaller than my need to control my life. I know many of you think that I had no reason to wait this long while others think that I should try harder but this time I didnt hurry myself, I let things mature in my head and heart and I feel good about it. It feels right, you know? K
K, It is not rosy anywhere for men or women - we are fooling ourselves with this fairy tale "happily ever after". I think I gave you this example before: suppose you had the fairy tale passionate superior man and he got paralyzed from the neck down before he's even 40?
You are not perfect and you are the first to admit that! But I think you are very smart and loving - there's a lot more to smartness than how much salary one earns. You know that the communication dynamic sucked and you contributed to it to some extent and which is why H withdrew. Models and techniques like "the 4 horsemen", "I messages", "sorry you feel that way" are all empty without commitment! So I'm glad you are saying "commit to work on things" or else ... I wish more of us did this when the first red flag went up. And remember you have some of your own issues too so its going to be hard work for you too.
I see some things coming in the way here: (1) Most of the opinions expressed on these boards are very "American" where marriages have become so disposable and the society is quite sick as a result of the "me-ness". You live in Greece where there are other customs and traditions. Like divorce is taboo, it is probably also traditional for the man to be the bread winner and the women to stay home with the kids. (2) It is natural for you to want to feel empathy and support from your friends here but its keeping you stuck because each time you complain it gets amplified a lot and reinforces negativity. (3) Your H is not posting here.
I am trying to get you to think much more positively of your H. From what you've said he's generous to you with money, he care's enough to come by and take the children out at least once a week, he pays the school fees, he hasn't exactly abandoned you, he cares for your opinion on his work, you've said he loves you, to him you are still his "wife", you often say he is a "good man", "Married for 8 years, Together 12-13", ... please add to the list of what you genuinely admire about him and let him know too.
I'm writing this in a hurry so excuse by carelessness.
fb2 you know I think of you a friend (a bit crazy but good friend ) and I wish we could talk about all this in a philosophical way in person, I think we would have a great discussion...
In Greece 90% of the women work and have careers. At least my generation. Of all my friends I only know 2 SAHMs and they both regret leaving their jobs, one of them is a millionaire and I think she would be crazy if she went to work for 1000 euros...
Divorce rates are high here too but probably not as high as in other countries. What we dont see here often (slowly happening now) is blended families and people remarrying. Actually men do, women dont. Because men are not marrying women that have children, usually their families are against that with a very common saying that goes "why should you raise somebody else's kids?". Women take custody 99,5% of the times and CS money is very little. Alimony is not given to women that work. So, you could be married for 10 years and because you worked, when your H leaves you, you are left with money such as 300-400 per child if you can prove he makes at least double maybe more, so he can support himself and live a respectable life. Basic salaries are around 800 euros with a middle-"good" salary around 1300-1500 euros. So a man making that, gives his wife around 500 for 2 kids. That's not enough, believe me. Thank God a lot of people own their houses.
Lately they tried to pass a law that custody would be 50-50 automaticaly but since they refused to change the CS calculation system, they didnt pass the law thinking it would be totally unfair for the mom to be "controlled" by her xH while he contributes very little. At least the last few years, courts some times take the CS by order directly from the employer of the H if the mom proves there is a big chance he will try not to or after months of him not paying and of course after spending a lot of money to lawyers. We get nothing from pension money etc. I dont know what happens if you are SAHM and if you are married for 25 years... I know you get alimony not sure if it enough to live on.
I dont feel I get empathy here (not from you at least ). I am just talking to friends that know me and my journey more than almost anybody else and support me. I appreciate all points of view and think about what you tell me, only I make the decision. I have a head on my shoulders and can think on my own.
My H is not posting here, you are right. Not my fault. I wish he would. We could make fun of his English and maybe I would learn something about his feelings and thoughts.
Believe me, after all the stress, the disappointment, the frustration, the sadness, the reason I reached 63 (and counting) is that when I lay in bed I still try to focus on his good parts and control my negativity. I know he is a "good man" with no "vices", usually polite and low profile (which I like), a very good father when he is around, smart, clean (yes, important very LOL), tidy, good professional etc etc. But it seems we dont share the same dreams anymore and he can still be a good man but possibly not the man for me. Maybe I am the bad apple. Could be.
The reason I had the convo with him was because as time goes by, we drift further apart and I started feeling I disrespect myself. I think if he had stayed away and came back 2 years from now we would have better chances than if we still "try" for another 2 years the way we do. I dont know if you get me. We have a crude story/joke/saying here that goes (talking ab out donkeys again), "we f@cked the poor animal and it died" meaning soemtimes when you overdo things, you just kill them. I think we are getting there if not there already. If he realises it too, there is still time. If not, I am not waiting any longer for him to get it. I think I have been fair and patient. Hoping for a happy life down the road, I am wasting my life. At least the last 3-4 months. I will not get a second chance here, this is not a rehersal. This is it. I maybe afraid but I am being careful and fair to all concerned (me, H and mostly the kids). K
Kerry, I answered to John privately. I do love my husband. I will always love him. I know people told me many times here I should forgive him, well I will tell you a secret, I do forgive almost everybody because... I forget. Honestly. I forget the pain and hurt. My H #1, well..., lets say he taught me what being cheated upon was when I was still too innocent and I dont think I ever even mentioned it here before. Because I forgave him. Now I only talk about his good qualities. Its a coping mechanism I have since I was a kid my C thinks is great.
So, I will always feel him as a part of me if we divorce and although I will be upset and sad and mad at times (because of the kids mostly), I know that down the road I will be friends with him.
This love I have for him is what I based all my hopes on for a "happily ever after". It's the deep kind of love that people share for family. And I was/am willing to build on it. But he seems to want just that. And "THAT" isnt enough for me. Maybe if I were 65-70, it would be. I am 38 and I need more.
When he hugged me a couple of times, was tender and caring, I felt there was a potential there. It still felt difficult and with a lot of hard work involved but in my heart I was ready to give it my all. All this time, I feel we are giving up before we even try and that held me back. What ifs, shouldas, couldas, wouldas... You know the drill. But just as we say here, we cant make the other person want what we want, I come to the conclusion that there is actually no coulda shoulda unless he joins me in "it"... He has now a last chance to join me. I cant control what he chooses, I can only make sure I move to a place alone where the possibility of a "happily ever after" is "open" and definitely not certain but at least possible. The way we are now, the way we "try" the certain thing is we are heading to a "unhappy ever after". K
I know that you will always love him. And to me, that makes sense. But, as we have discovered, that doesn't always mean we can be married to them!
I think you are doing a good job of balancing your wish that H would come back against time. Don't let anyone else tell you your timeline is wrong. You have to choose the one you are comfortable with. To some it will be to long, to others, not long enough. It only has to fit you.
) and I wish we could talk about all this in a philosophical way in person, I think we would have a great discussion...