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JKL,

While it's wise to not pressure her or pursue her, you also do not need to (and shouldn't) do anything to make "her plan" any EASIER on her to accomplish. Are you?

Your position needs to be one of "I'm really sorry you feel this way, and I remain committed to trying to improve myself and our marriage if you'll let me. I won't do that with another person involved in our marriage, and I'm not going to help you run away from our family, but you're a grown woman and I can't stop you."

Does that make sense?

You also need to come to grips emotionally with the fact that this is likely a full-blown physical affair at this point. In my experience, a wayward spouse will almost always cop to one level LESS than what is going on, so you're wise to not believe her when she says they didn't have sex. I say this because for us men, we tend to equate the act of sex with the ultimate betrayal, but for women it's the strong emotional attachment that is actually the most meaningful. If you can get to a place in your own head of "it's just sex," it will be better for you in the long run.

It's very, very hard, but also very possible.

Puppy

Good to know Puppy, I think that is essentially how I responded. I may need to be clearer that I will not try anymore if she is fooling around, but in some ways I think that confirms some of the reasons she walked away. It is such a balance, tough to call.

As far as if I am making "her plan" easier, I am not sure. She has been clear that she expected me to "throw her out of the house" when she asked for the separation/divorce. I didn't do that. She still says she is waiting for me to "turn" and be angry, vengeful, etc. I am not doing that. So in a lot of ways, her plan is not going as expected since I am not responding like she predicted.

I have been very clear from when she announced her decision that I preferred that we work to save this, I would be willing to do anything to do so, but if this is what she wants to do I will not "fight" her and drag things on forever. I will do what is best for our S.

On the topic of the EA/PA I have said I will not stand for it to be in my face and I will not enable it financially or otherwise. Not sure what else I can do.

I am putting that entire thing out of my mind. It is out of my control, and something that is an extreme likelihood to only be temporary (even if our marriage does end).

Back to worrying about what I can control and what my goals are!

Sounds like you've drawn your lines perfectly. Keep it up!

Puppy

P.S. Who pays for her cellphone?

Used to be we basically split all costs until this weekend! I said it was time to keep our funds separate and split only "family" costs going forward (mortgage, food, utilities, etc).

Excellent.

Back to worrying about what I can control and what my goals are!


You can only control yourself, please listen to Puppy, he is excellent in these situations.

Burt

I hope so. Since the reasons my WAW has walked away is that 1) she didn't feel appreciated, 2) doesn't think I really love(d) her, 3) felt I was manipulative (and other reasons) I worry that some of the "standard" LRT and 180s I am trying to use might not apply to my sit. But I also got to set boundaries and be honest, and not let her walk over me.

JKL,

99.9% of the BSs on here worry about this same thing. I know it's counterintuitive, but trust us -- IT WORKS!

Wanted to get something else out on this thread as a way to flesh out my SIT. Here are some good things and bad things I have observed over the past 6 weeks. Would love thoughts/comments/analysis:

Bad things
*Legal action
*EA/PA
*Wants to sell house and move out
*Refuses to go to counseling
*Says there is no hope
*Says she doesn’t love me, been a long time since she has
*Says this is the best thing for her and our S
*Sleeping in separate rooms
*Tells her friends/co-workers we are divorcing
*Says she is going numb to it all (not caring?)


Good things
*Stopped legal action (though wants to move forward with separation agreement)
*Still lives at home (for now)
*Continues to talk and listen at some level
*Week after announcing separation, kissed me passionately in middle of night (were still in the same bed then)
*Tickles me at night when reading books to S
*Laughs at things
*Says she has been “pleasantly surprised” at my positive behavior
*Has told friends/sister I am now acting like the man she fell in love with/married (but wonders if it is all an act)
*Spends time together (watching TV, going to mall, etc).
*Compliments me on some things
*Admits anger and resent me (better than apathy right?)

Classic signs of a WAW still not 100% sure of what she wants?

JKL, you don't know me very well, but others will tell you that -- if anything -- I'm the resident gloom-and-doomer. But I gotta tell you, reading your lists, I think you have a great deal to be hopeful about!

There is a truism around here of "Believe NONE of what they tell you, and only HALF of what they do." Put another way, you should try to make decisions based upon her ACTIONS, not her WORDS, and I think it's striking that most of the things on the "bad" list are just WORDS -- and totally "SCRIPT" at that!

Her actions tell me that she's still very much open to you. Keep up with your positive changes, stay detached (DON'T try to pursue or go all "needy/grabby"!), and remain patient.

My two cents.

Puppy