Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? #63 and counting...

Hi Bill, you were up late today, you too fb2...
Hi imlost, good to hear from you, hope you "arefound" by now, michelle, andie, RTL, Ian...

I guess 100 will be it. We are advised not to set deadlines here but I think mine will be 100, maybe a little before than that even.

Ian, H held me once or twice during the last 7 months in a meaningful way and I immediately felt better and showed it to him. That gives an answer to fb2 regarding my expectations. It is not that I dont like what I get because my "standards" are so high, I dont get ANYTHING (ok, maybe scraps ). When I do get the "scraps" I am hopeful. Pathetic Bill, I know.

Ian the last time I was held and felt safe, really loved and content was last September and not by my H. I am not supposed to bring that up here, but your question made me think about it.

Yesterday after I read your post, I was locking doors and windows, going to bed, it was very late and I had finished making a piece of jewelery (that btw got many compliments today and some people said they want to buy it ) and I was walking around barefoot, (I can smell/sense summer here), checked on my kids, prepared their clothes for today and I was thinking that I dont miss my H in the house. I feel that the 3 of us are not "complete" anymore as we used to be, but even when he sleeps over, I feel him as "an extra", I dont need him anymore. And then I asked myself if I could ever feel secure and happy with him around. I think not. And not because of the damage done during our spearation but 99% because of the damage done during these last 7 months.

Bill, dont worry, I do NOT think my expectations at this point are too high and I disagree with fb2 on this. H seems to agree with me also. I dont care what people say based on religion etc, I believe to be able to forgive and reconnect truly in a way that could allow love to blossom again, BOTH partners need to have the same goal. In my case, H has other priorities. My main complaint all these years still remains the same. And if I was disappointed then, you can imagine how disappointed I am now and how hurt I feel everytime his choices/actions yell at me I am not his priority, our relationship is not that important to him.

Yes, my kids do play the biggest role here. I dont know if you can call that strength or stubborness or stupidity. All I know I feel embarassed posting here anymore because as I told someone, I feel I am giving up on things that are important parts of me to be complete.

I am very hurt to see "a sadistic" side in H, without him even realising it, where he doesnt care how long this has been going on, what has happened, what my needs are, he just sees himself and his issues. I tod him the other day that I dont blame him for leaving me, I blame him for not trying to save this M when we still could have saved it. I blame him for putting himself beyond and before our babies that he loves so much.

My friends here comment on things I say about intimacy. Believe me I dont bring that up because my of "my needs", I am fine, I bring it up because I feel it is telling about what our relationship means to him.

Yes Bill and Ian, he was honest this time. He quit with the bullshit about "love can get us through" and he changed the tune to "I dont know if what you ask is feasible, I udnerstand why you want it but I dont think I can give it to you". It's the most sincere talk we have had so far. That is why I didnt answer, I didnt agree/disagree, I didnt get upset. I listened and I have been thinking about it since then.

imlost, I dont play games. I thought about your suggestion. I think we are heading to the divorce and I dont want him to ever think that I have a boyfriend and that's why this didnt work out.

So, is it time to stop? Bill, if you are tired raeidng my never ending nothings, imagine how I live with it. I fear that if I say this is the end, and he reacts somehow, I will again be weak and give him another chance and another and another... What happened last October really shook me. I was pretty sure I didnt want him back and then... I dont want to loose my self respect again. When I will say it is time to stop, I want it to stop (unless he transforms to Brad Pitt and acts like he has had brain surgery of some kind).

K

Hi casanova, I was never super thrilled, excited and grateful that he came back. I remember the first time we talked, how nice the things he said were but no "sorries", no emotion. That night things felt weird. I remember FG saying this is the way things happen. But it is not. I have never read here or heard of a story where the WAS says he wants back and... does nothing. I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE then and he probably thought he gave me the chance... I should have known better.

After all these months, I have proven I meant it when I said I would try my best. Committed? Yes I was/am. Ready to surrender to nothing? No, I wasnt/am not ready for that.
K

And who can blame you for that??!! It's not wrong to have some expectations when you are "piecing".

Bill I agree whole heartedly, 100%.
Fantastic post.
It is what I try to say time and time again, but usually I am queried as to why I am on this board if not to help save m.
I hate D, but I despair of the mentality that you put up and shut up at any cost.
I work with young children for over 30 years and yes D hits children hard at times,younger ones seem to fare so much better as far as baggage is concerned.
What I do see that affects the children more than anything is the mums who live in a loveless m and soldier on because of the children. Maybe these mums are just not so good at masking the pain of carrying a family.
Again I agree with the daughter thing, exactly what I told my daughter.
If I didn't see the man who would have walked on hot coals at the beginning of a rel, I am sure he wasn't going to be doing it later down the line.


This is what I will never understand.
No one throws their m away on a whim and the folks on here have the patience of saints I applaud that but if the spouse wants back surely to goodness you need to be shown and feel love.

I have a feeling Maria, knows what a great love is, bad timing not withstanding how can you settle when you know what a true loving rel. looks and feels like.
Ok enough said but Maria, read and re read Bill's post.

naej,
I printed it Bill's post. I am supportive of people standing for their Rs/Ms for as long as they want, especially when kids are involved. As long as there is a chance of a heatlhy R in the future and no abuse is involved or disrspect. I still think H is a good man which fogs my thinking.

Anyway, wanted to post that I have had at least 3 offers to sell my necklace today, it's a weird necklace with fresh water olive pearls, silver round components and beige silk cord. I may put a pic on FB but I doubt it will look good. Best part is I am wearing something I love.
K

Maria, necklace sounds wonderful and great that you can exhibit your talents on your own body so to speak-lol

I think this is the key
" a chance of a heatlhy R in the future"
I am not a betting person so just wonder what odds on the "chance"
how long do you wait or extend that chance or opening--I guess only one person knows the answer, the person in waiting mode, but then again there is waiting and stagnating.
That is just a general remark not personal.

You have to make a decision to either put off making a decision or make a decision and go with it.
Only you know the answer to that one.

Can you make me a bracelet that will make the sun appear? It is a dreadful day here, weather wise to match the dreadful week,I am so fed up of rain, wind and cold.
I just know I was meant to live in the Med. somewhere.

Kalni,

The only thing you can do is change yourself for the betterment of yourself. After that, there is nothing you can do. All you can do is give him the opportunity to see your changes. You can't force him to notice, but you can give him the chance to see you and your positive changes.

I think you've done that, my dear.

I do think you have to lead, but I'm also adamant that you can't force him to do anything. Sooner or later, he'll have to make an effort.

As long as his identity is tied in w/his work, you'll be in 2nd place. He may come around in time or he may not.

Again, it all depends on how long you are willing to wait for him.

In the meantime, you have to let go of his "inactivity" and live completely for you and your kids. Standing still and waiting won't help.

But how will this be leading? Easy. You'll be living and enjoying life. You'll be showing him what you want out of life and he'll have an opportunity to join you.

Your actions will lead the way. Again, all you can do is give him the chance to follow.

RTL


The question is can you wait until he's ready to act?

I'm sorry, Kalni. I didn't mean that you should play games. And I didn't mean that your husband should think you have a boyfriend.

What I meant was more trying what I did, which worked for me, which was exactly this: I don't know if they have an equivalent in Greece, but I went on an online dating site a few months ago and started going out with men completely platonically--that's key. Nothing else I had done prior to that made me feel so much better, because I am the kind of woman that really loves being around men, I guess because I grew up close to my brothers, and it was "safe" to hang out with these men, because I didn't know them, they had no real expectations. They, collectively, made me feel so much better about myself as a woman and my future prospects.

And, my X did notice, not that I flaunted it in front of him, or that it's a game, but rather it was my protection and security in the fact that I was wanted, and helped me face him and show him I was stronger.

I actually agree with Bworl in a lot of ways, but you don't sound like you're completely done...yet. I would support you either way. Although you do sound depressed, and I hope you can find a way to gather strength and confidence again, in whatever way that turns out to be.

I was just suggesting one of lots of different ways to do that, because of seeing how attention from men here had previously seemed to help you find that strength. Not that you didn't do it on your own! I'm just saying it seemed to be a hand to help you. But I could have been totally wrong about that...

K

Thinking of you. I am not ready for dating, and I hear what you are saying about not wanting your H to think a boyfriend was a reason for you giving up, when the time comes...

However there was something really interesting said by a Rabbi here in the States who wrote a book about great (married) sex and intimacy.

He said that a husband is often looking for variety in women (and I know not all men are the same, just bear with me!),which is why some have trouble in monogamous relationships. He said that often it helps if the husband can see the wife through the eyes of other men...in his counseling, he will take husbands and wives out to a restaurant/club. He will have the husband sit somewhere else in the room, and the wife sit up at the bar, alone. He said that for some reason, when the Hs see other men approaching/flirting/admiring their wives, they begin to see her as desirable in a way they hadn't in a while...

I don't know how to re-create this kind of thing, but it made me think anyway.

I think your jewelry sounds lovely, I would love to see pics. If I order something can you ship to the US???

Great stuff Bill. I've always enjoyed reading what you, Theoden, Ian, J3B and several others write.



Not that I don't see any point in fighting for a marriage, but I would imagine most marriages that are worth saving don't even get to this web sites stage.

After following many threads here, it seems that good people wanting to save their marriage are stuck with someone that has no conscience, low morals, lost in life or are romantically weak. It seems impossible to fight for your marriage when you are the only one fighting.