I wound up replying to her email saying "Sorry to hear about that. I hope things will work out for the best. How’s your day going?"
She replied complaining that she was tired and her big toe really started hurting her last nite, so right now it hurt just sitting at her desk.
I waited about 30 minutes and called to joke about who's "butt" was she kicking that she hurt her toe. She said in her mind or in real life? We both laughed. I told her that I knew it wasn't mine and just wanted to make sure one of the boys wasn't giving her a hard time. She talked some more about her toe and things that were going on with her work. I asked if she thought lunch could work out this week and she said most likely Thurs since she has to go order the B'day cake tomorrow and then pick it up on Friday, but would let me know for sure. I told her that would be fine.
I then switched to the tactical stuff related to the kids that I wanted to talk to her about. One of the things was how my 3 year old had lost his nightmare stone. She had said that she was going to get him another one. I told her I found it yesterday when I was doing the laundry. I also told her that the boys and I were planning to pick one out for me since I didn't have one. She said that she could have the boys get me one for Father's day if that was ok. I said that I had really wanted to make it an experience with the boys where they picked one out for me, but I would be OK with it if that's what she wanted to do (especially since I only have them 1 day of the weekend so it's hard to run errands with them since my 7 year old has dodgeball that day as well).
I see that my journaling has really picked up today. Not sure if the child support thing has got me rattled so I'm stressing again or the fact that it has just past 4 weeks.
I know I've also been less dark than normal (calling her to respond to her email vs. just ignoring it until she brought it up when she calls in the evening). I need to be careful not to be too pushy/pursuing.
I'm going to leave work early to go to the gym since one of my buddies are still tied up with his father in law's funeral. We rescheduled the outing for next Tues. It's for the best anyway since I missed going to the gym on Sunday. I have my therapist appointment tomorrow afternoon and have a lunch set up with one of my friends who I used to work with on Friday.
I also just got off the phone with one of my buddies and we're going to try and setup an Atlantic City run for Sunday nite (one of my friends have a place down there that we can crash at). So it looks like my week is getting booked up. I was actually worried since I wasn't sure how I was going to handle Memorial day being by myself.
So it sounds like I'm progressing on getting a life. Now I'm just not sure how to get my wife back.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Not knowing what you're moving forward to isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's a difference between goal-directed behavior ("this year I will take up fly-fishing" or whatever) and goal-limiting behavior ("this year I will take up fly-fishing and only fly-fishing, even though I live nowhere near a trout stream").
Set goals; achieve goals; set higher goals. Let the river take you where it will. All you can control right now is how hard you paddle and when you float with the tide.
She's going to do it her way. No reason for you not to as well.
SmileysPerson - Wow, that was pretty deep. I actually had to reread it a couple of times to make sure I got it. I think I did.
I guess my ultimate goal is to make sure me and my boys are happy and well taken care of. I guess I should not "limit" that goal by saying that will only happen if my wife stays with us as a family. I know my boys and I want my wife to come back to us - even though they visit her 50% of the time.
My immediate goal is to get my wife to agree to go to lunch together and I will not talk about the Divorce or anything like that. Depending on how that goes, I may try to do that 2-3 times before I ask about going out for dinner with her. I'm taking the approach of dating/courting her all over again.
I would love to have a goal of having my wife start going to therapy, but that would be an example of goal limiting.
Did I get that all right?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
My immediate goal is to get my wife to agree to go to lunch together and I will not talk about the Divorce or anything like that. Depending on how that goes, I may try to do that 2-3 times before I ask about going out for dinner with her. I'm taking the approach of dating/courting her all over again.
It may be too early for this, if you move too fast she going to push away...As PMA said you asked her let it go, if I had to guess she is probably leaning against lunch but doesn't want to say no. One thing you don't want is for her to go just because you keep asking.
What goals do you have immediately for you? Those are the goals you need to focus on.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
And that, my friend, is precisely what I intend to do. I will not bust this divorce. Not by putting on silk shirts and courting her the way I used to do. Not by putting on airs. Not by putting on a dog-and-pony-show. If this divorce were to be busted, which I expect it will not, it would be done because I am me; because I am reclaiming me, I am regaining me, I am redefining me, I am reconstructing me, I am remaking me, I am rediscovering me.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
It may be too early for this, if you move too fast she going to push away...As PMA said you asked her let it go, if I had to guess she is probably leaning against lunch but doesn't want to say no. One thing you don't want is for her to go just because you keep asking.
What goals do you have immediately for you? Those are the goals you need to focus on.
You're right - I had brought that up on Friday when she called and I asked today. I know asking today crossed the line. I can't undo the past, but need to make sure I don't repeat the mistake.
I do agree, I don't want her to go just because I asked. I had asked because, as gucci had pointed out in my earlier thread, it seemed like she was poking her head through the door to see what was going on. I was just trying to invite her in.
My immediate goals for me had been:
1 - Go to church (I started the Sunday after she moved out) and join a small group at church 2 - Go to the gym twice/week (I lost 25 lbs through this madness so now I'm trying to keep it off and get fit). 3 - Go out with my friends at least once every 2 weeks (prior to the bomb, I hadn't done that in over 3 years) 4 - Be the best dad I can be for my boys - this means learning to interact with each of their different personalities (my 3 year old is just like me and my 7 year old acts just like my wife, you can guess who I have the problem dealing with).
My longer term goal/project for this summer are (Home improvement and cars are my hobbies):
1 - Redo the car stereo system in my camaro convertible (it's an 88 IROC with the stock stereo where the speakers are blown) 2 - Redo my patio and replace the back steps leading to it
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
And that, my friend, is precisely what I intend to do. I will not bust this divorce. Not by putting on silk shirts and courting her the way I used to do. Not by putting on airs. Not by putting on a dog-and-pony-show. If this divorce were to be busted, which I expect it will not, it would be done because I am me; because I am reclaiming me, I am regaining me, I am redefining me, I am reconstructing me, I am remaking me, I am rediscovering me.
I do agree that I will not bust the divorce by pretending to be someone/thing that I am not. I am approaching this by rediscovering me. Before I fell into the funk of the routine and just focused on work and family and forgotten about me and my wife. I had been living life, no longer enjoying it.
That has changed since the weeks after the bomb. I am living life for the moments, not the things. I am enjoying the people not what we are doing. I am experiencing the journey, not just the destination. That's what I'm trying to get back to. I had gotten so caught up in the daily grind that I had forgotten about myself and in the process my wife as well.
Right now I feel that I need to win my wife's trust back with her heart (she said on Friday that she feels that she can't trust me with her heart again as she doesn't want to be hurt). I've told her that was in the past and I'm changing to make me a better person and dad.
So when I'm interacting with my wife via phone or in person, I will be the best CIPA I can be. All other times, I am going to stay focused on me and my goals and maintain Dark/Dim.
This still sucks though.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I think you are moving too fast and in fact haven't stopped letting her go. Aside from a day or two, there hasn't been a time over the four weeks that you've left her alone.
You can say that it was her initiating contact, but you keep calling her back and have these long conversations.
I'll put it this way. If you and her were having a perfect life and communicating and getting along great, why did she leave the house? She's still using you as a security blanket and hasn't had to face the harsh realities of "why" she wanted to leave in the first place.
You can say that it's because she was busy with the move, but I don't think so. Most of our WAWs get settled within the first couple of days. She either doesn't want to face what her problem is or isn't ready for that yet. That's why giving her space is really important.
"Now I'm just not sure how to get my wife back....."
I think in every post you say this in one way or another. That's not a way to GAL. That's your ultimate goal as it is with all of us. Put that on the backburner and build your life.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think you are moving too fast and in fact haven't stopped letting her go. Aside from a day or two, there hasn't been a time over the four weeks that you've left her alone.
You can say that it was her initiating contact, but you keep calling her back and have these long conversations.
I'll put it this way. If you and her were having a perfect life and communicating and getting along great, why did she leave the house? She's still using you as a security blanket and hasn't had to face the harsh realities of "why" she wanted to leave in the first place.
You can say that it's because she was busy with the move, but I don't think so. Most of our WAWs get settled within the first couple of days. She either doesn't want to face what her problem is or isn't ready for that yet. That's why giving her space is really important.
"Now I'm just not sure how to get my wife back....."
I think in every post you say this in one way or another. That's not a way to GAL. That's your ultimate goal as it is with all of us. Put that on the backburner and build your life.
Stuck808,
I have been letting go on my end. Aside from today, I hadn't initiate calling her nor called her back. The only time I did call her would be to say goodnite to the boys and when she got on the phone, I would try to end the conversation quickly by saying goodnite to her as well. Even last Friday nite, she called me about an hour after she called to say goodnite to the boys. For all the "long" conversations, she was the one who called.
I know that I backslid into some pursuing behavior today, I called her as well as asking about lunch again. She had actually called me twice and we talked before I called her today.
I'm not sure what's gotten me so rattled today. I'm even posting a lot more today, than I had in a couple of weeks (my last thread lasted almost 2 weeks longer than the previous before it got locked).
Maybe it's the child support hearing that I was summoned for, or it was the call I got from my 3 year old in tears asking me to bring him home after baseball (which my wife agreed to). Maybe it was during last nite's call my son asked my wife to come back home. Or maybe I let myself fall for the glimmer of hope that my wife gave by saying that she wanted to find her own therapist before we go to marriage counseling again (I know, I shouldn't believe what a WAW says). It was just a lot of emotions to deal with.
Last Friday was the first time she gave any indication where she feels like she has to do something about our situation. When she said that she needs to be able to deal with moving on and figure out how not to feel hurt when she sees me, it gave me some hope that she is starting to look upon herself.
I had thought we had a perfect life, but she didn't. She said, in her typical indirect manner, that she was hurt that I neglected her. In prior conversations, she had said she didn't understand how someone can say they love tehm and treat them so cruelly. That's one of the reasons she gave that she left, that she couldn't deal with seeing the person who hurt her everyday to be reminded of the hurt as she hadn't been able to let go of the hurt.
Perhaps she sees that I'm changing and wants to give it another try but just can't stop feeling hurt or let go of the past. Who knows. Only she does. I'm sure I'm making the Friday conversation into something much more than what it was.
That's why I'm trying to get refocused, with help from the people here, on making me the best CIPA I can be.
Thanks for the 2x4
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
That's why I'm trying to get refocused, with help from the people her, on making me the best CIPA I can be.
Even when you are talking about yourself you make it about her. GEEEEZZZSSSSHHH!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
