Right, didn't think saying that was the way to go. I plan to do that chat tomorrow, talk about the issues, and work in the point you suggested. I think that will be fine won't it?
I am trying to empathize from my WAW's POV, something I didn't do over the past few years and that got us here. I think she needs to see me 1) taking her serious, 2) not dragging my feet for my own selfish reasons, and 3) doing something to give her something to trust and feel more protected.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I am trying to empathize from my WAW's POV, something I didn't do over the past few years and that got us here. I think she needs to see me 1) taking her serious, 2) not dragging my feet for my own selfish reasons, and 3) doing something to give her something to trust and feel more protected.
Just a thought, but what you might want to do, esp. as it relates to #2, is to tell her that the EASY, selfish thing for you to do here, considering that she's having an affair, would be to dump her azz. That this is in fact PAINFUL for you to have to work thru this, and fight for her, in the face of her betrayal, but that you think IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
I'll think about that, but I think she will just respond negatively to that comment - digging her heels in even more and using that as ammo to justify her decisions.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I'll think about that, but I think she will just respond negatively to that comment - digging her heels in even more and using that as ammo to justify her decisions.
I think it's about time you started saying and doing things simply because they are THE RIGHT THING TO DO, and not how your wife is going to respond to them?
Until you can learn to do this, you won't get very far.
Trust me on this one: IT'S KEY. Until you learn to act from a position of "What is the right thing to do? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing here in front of me?"
instead of
"Will this make her mad? How will she react? How will her reaction make ME feel?"
I think it's about time you started saying and doing things simply because they are THE RIGHT THING TO DO, and not how your wife is going to respond to them?
Until you can learn to do this, you won't get very far.
Just a thought.
Puppy
I second the motion.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I totally get and agree what y'all are saying from a strategic perspective. Tactically, tomorrow we are going to get together and go over some of this stuff. I do not want to be uncooperative, so I will discuss things. I know she is still in that place where she wants to go forward with this.
That being said, maybe starting it off with a little statement ans standing up for myself would be good:
"I don't want to be be difficult but these are big decisions that will affect us and S forever. I want to take our time and make sure we do this the right way."
"I know your feelings on how we got to here, and your rationale for actions you have done in the past weeks. I feel the the easy way out for me, the selfish thing to do here, considering your EA/PA with OM, would be to dump you. This is in fact painful for me to have to work on this, and actually fight for you, in the face of her betrayal, but that in my heart I believe it is THE RIGHT THING TO DO."
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Tonight, we sat done to eat and W started talking about what we were going to talk about tomorrow. As we started touching on subjects, she got a little agitated. When I saw this happening, I basically gave the statements I wrote above - that did not go over well. I said I again that I preferred we work on this marriage, but she is choosing to not do so.
She said she "has no choice" and I am the one that made the choice by my actions over the past few years. She said she could never want to be with me because she didn't trust me (from the snooping) and had not loved me for a long time so why would I want to still be with her? She said she didn't want to be around me because of the pain I had caused her. She said she is very angry with me, resents me, thinks it is crappy that I am going back on "my word" on not fighting her on the split.
We went back and forth a bit, with her a bit angry and worked up but I kept very calm and I stood my ground. I basically just repeated the things above. I said I knew I have been a bad husband in the past but I have looked hard at myself and did not like what I saw. I am ready to devote myself to our relationship and make things work, and if she choose not to allow that to happen than I would still make myself better as a father and to others. At the end, she said she was tired and didn't want to talk any more tonight. We then gave the S a bath, read books (where she tickled me again - what is up with that!) and watched a little TV before I said I wanted to go read and go to bed.
So, I think I did the right thing. Yes, in the near terms it made her a bit mad but I stood up for myself, didn't do anything or say anything harmful. At least I hope. I feel like this was a step back in terms of 180s, LRT, etc but it was needed. Thanks everyone for listening and thoughts. Tomorrow will be another day.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
As we started touching on subjects, she got a little agitated. When I saw this happening, I basically gave the statements I wrote above - that did not go over well. I said I again that I preferred we work on this marriage, but she is choosing to not do so.
She said she "has no choice" and I am the one that made the choice by my actions over the past few years. She said she could never want to be with me because she didn't trust me (from the snooping) and had not loved me for a long time so why would I want to still be with her? She said she didn't want to be around me because of the pain I had caused her. She said she is very angry with me, resents me, thinks it is crappy that I am going back on "my word" on not fighting her on the split.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to smirk, but that is all soooooo much "script" it's not even funny. If I had a nickel for every time I read almost EXACTLY the same thing on these boards!!
btw, you handled yourself VERY well. Learn to make a habit out of "I'm sorry you feel that way," and "I understand that must be difficult for you," etc.
Learn to make a habit out of "I'm sorry you feel that way," and "I understand that must be difficult for you," etc.