Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is my sitch WAS or MLC?

Dear Lola,
Thank you for your post and support;
I am being told by all of my friends and family that my H has flipped it; yes that he is not well.
yet he remains calm for a good part of the time; completely consistent i his desire to be away from me; to injure and damage me and t be with OW, which I think is becoming more serious by the day.
He doesnt know anything about my life; has no interest.......i could be in trouble, ill etc. he wouldnt know
the thought that he may one day wake out of this horrible place that he is in seems impossible
He seems happy with his new life and has no need for me
I feel sick

I know how you feel. I lost my beloved brother last month, and when I called for H's comfort, all he could offer was a quick pat on the back and throw a little cash my way. What I wanted was his shoulder, his arms around me, just for a moment to comfort so I didn't feel so lost and alone.

But he couldn't give it. After that I didn't hear from him for a month. His reason? He said what could he do about it? He was sorry I lost my brother, but there was nothing he could do.

This behavior is such a slap in the face. I don't know if they really are aware of how much they are hurting, or if they just want someone to feel as miserable as they do. It seems so unfair because we are the ones who do love them, and they are throwing that away.

And yet, here we are, trying to make sense of all of this. I am not sure it works. I don't know if we ever will. We just know that these are not the people we married, and are left to wonder if that will change. For the rare few, it does. The rest of us are left to pick up the pieces of our lives.

Remember, you cannot control anything he does. It is a helpless feeling to watch someone you love so much slip away. But the only thing you can do is control your own actions, and handle everything you do with dignity and grace. In the long run, you can look back and remember that you were the strong one when he was falling apart. Regardless of how it turns out, you will be able to know that you held your head high, and acted with love and understanding. It will be good for you.

Hi Shannon, (I assume your name is Shannon)

I'm just checking in with you. Lola's info seems to be right on. A lot of us know what you are feeling. The loss. The hurt. How could he do this to you? We all ask these questions, feel these feelings.

None of this is easy, we know. It affects every minute of your day, and reaches into every corner of your life.

I understand how you feel about questioning your faith. I think we have all done that here too. This whole thing is a nightmare in which we never seem to wake up.

Please hang in there! It is bad now, but it will get better for you. Things may turn out different than you want, or you may someday be pleasantly surprised - regardless, things will get better. Yes, it will probably take some time, but it won't always feel this way.

There's a lot of good advice on this forum. Please take care of yourself, and share with others here.

Thanks for your posts everyone; I guess i am just wanting to journal and vent........
Yesterday ended up being very upsetting; I find that every day at the moment has a new heartache, a new thing to deal with, a new incident of stress and strain.
My H is completely dark, there is no texting, no emailing, no calling, no one on one conversation.
I received a letter via email yesterday from my solicitor; it contained my H PROPOSALS for access arrangements over the next few days.
He was proposing 2.40pm (our d school home time) until 8.30pm Friday, then either 4 hours sat and sund or all day sat or all day sund.
I only received this letter Fri morn at about 10.30am and I had arranged for our D to see a friend after school. I wrote back declining the access on Fri but suggesting 10.30 am until 8pm on Sat.
He did not respond and arrived at her school at 2.40 as I did. he became verbally abusive in the carpark and when I expressed my confusion at him being there he told me that I had no right to speak to him that way; that he could see his daughter when he liked and he was refusing me access. He then stormed off; I felt very threatened.
He then took our D from school (he didnt tell me where or for how long). I let him take her because I didnt want her to be distressed and to see an altercation between us.
He then informed me through our solicitors that he was taking her overnight (at his sisters house, he didnt specify which one) and would not be returning her until 3pm today (Sat). I was furious, and appalled.
Ans apparently there is nothing that i can do to stop it legally.
he has taken our daughter against my consent and agreement in front of me and there is nothing I can do to stop it?
I have been told that until an access plan is in place we both have the same rights to our child. This is fair enough but surely it has to be with reciprocal agreement?
He is so full of rage and anger against me, I feel that he is so far away from the person that I knew and that i was married to. four months ago i thought that I was working on a marriage. I am now looking at someone who wants nothing to do with me, hates the very sight of me, has no concern for my health and welfare, has begum a new life with another woman.
Where do I go from here? I have woken up this morning with a huge hole in my heart.
he is making sure that I get NOTHING from him personally, absolutely nothing. His family are cut off from me, no contact. If I was dying he wouldn't know and certainly would not care.
Our neighbour, a top solicitor, spoke with me yesterday. He has an abrupt manner at the best of times but was extremely rude to me. Told me that I am what solicitors call a high maintenance client. He also said that I have made huge mistakes along the way and essentially the biggest one was that I shouldn't have married my H. It has been a non marriage anyway. That my H is telling me loud and clear that he has moved on by having a new GF.
This really hurt me. He told me to get real with my sitch and to sell our house and to move on.
The housing market is poor at the moment and I love my house. As far as I was concerned I was in a marriage, and i am indeed still married. It was real for me. Yes, we had strain and problems, alienation etc.
But it was my commitment and for me it was and still is for life.
i am so confused, my heart is like a gaping wound. I feel so abandoned and left behind,
My H's OW, do they crash and burn? They are proceeding under difficult circumstances. How can he be fully present to being in a relationship with her; is he that over our marriage that he can do that? Truly?
i guess i dont fully get it yet.........
I miss the man that i thought was my husband; he is nowhere to be seen.I know people change but this dramatically.
he truly hates me. he doesn't seem to hate himself at all; he seems to be delighted with himself that his new life is proceeding and that i have bee deleted from the equation.
I am a person with feelings, with a heart.
I hope you don't mind me rambling; I just feel so little hope....so much has happened over the last four months. So much deterioration.
He has lied so much to me, especially about the OW. But as ABBA says so wisely, it seems that the winner takes it all, the loser is standing small.
I believe now that it is only God that can change my husbands heart towards me. With the orders etc it seems to me that he not only will never come back but he now wants nothing to do with me. God has an awesome, impossible task in front of him.
MLC or WAS? What do you all think?
I x

Feeling a bit tired today; have a night in with my mum and D7;
early night will probably do me good.
Picked up D7 from H today, d eldest half sister (27) was there with H. First time that I have seen her since my H left at end of January. I felt so upset but held my dignity and respect. She was very cold to me..........indicative of the way that my H's family have turned against me.
Its so sad; they have been my family for ten years and now I do not exist.
I am grieving for my H, my M and my lost family......
Its so hard but I am keeping on going........

I'm not surprised to hear that your h's sister is cold. Blood is thicker than water and lord knows that your h has told her and the rest of the family about the situation. They always have to paint the picture as we are the enemy, we were horrible, we were mean and didn't understand, etc. Some time down the road, in most cases, the spouse's family begins to see what truly is going on.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you, but you've got to get things in place and truly work out a good visitation schedule. This guy is very angry and will use anything he can against you.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks so much Snodderly, as always, yours advice is very real and pertinent, we are activating an access schedule in place this Wednesday, it is a real relief as we need to regulate things for our D's sake.
I am working on becoming more and more DARK.........he already, because of the complete lack of contact, is existing in a particular place......I am trying to get out and see friends who have been incredibly supportive, working, getting some exercise, resting.
Trying to find a good balance for myself......
Yes, I can only imagine what he has been saying about me to everyone, but especially his family. I would, at this stage, be the most reviled woman on the planet.
But I am holding my head up high with dignity
Thanks once again
Take care of yourself too!

I'm glad to read that you are going to try to have something in place this Wednesday. It always helps to have what needs to be done in black and white. Your daughter needs the stability and not feel like she's being pulled all over the place. This will also help you as well, for you will then have something in place as documentation, if he should accuse you of not allowing him time w/his daughter.

Continue to hold you head up high for you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not the one that left and is acting like an utter @ss about things. He is the one, at the end of the day that will look like the fool. You are going to be okay. You are a strong and independent lady and trust me, that all will help you along this path.

Take care and I do hope the week is less stressful for you.

Innishannon, first, you might as well get used to the fact that your H's family, no matter how close they were to you, will not have very much to do with you. I have been through it, seen it, that's just the way it is. Regardless if you are right or wrong, they will uphold him no matter what and make you out to be the bad one. You just have to move on without them, they will not change. You asked about the H and and the OW. Will they make it? Well, I have been called negative with all my statistical information, but people fail to point out when I mention that the spouse and the OP have a 3 in 100 chance of making it. Odds are very much in favor of them breaking up. Does that mean he will come back to you? Well I don't know him, but usually they get someone else. I have seen this more times than not, although there are the occassional ones who will come on back. Innishannon, I have seen many more MLCers who will move on rather than admit they have done wrong, it seems like a need for them to try to convince everyone they were right. Another stat for you to chew on. If your H does remarry, he has about a 4 in 10 chance of making it. 2nd marriages are running on about 40% and I would love to see the numbers of an MLCer making it on the long haul. My guess would be about 1 in 10.

Dear Snodderly/Braveheart,

Thanks so much for your posts; your help and support have given me so much in this crazy time.....
I have just woken up here in Ireland and the first thing that has come to my mind is deceit; I was wanting to share that with you all.

My H has just gone through the most amazing set of lies and deceit I can think of. firstly, I had no idea that he was so unhappy n our R; yes he had vented and expressed huge frustration and resentment at my study and work versus what he believed I should have been doing re our D but there was never any moment where he spoke directly with me re his feelings about US, about our relationship. I had often pleaded with him to talk with me about our R, but he always refused; his sole focus was a our D and what needed to be done there. Surely parents have an untold responsibility to safeguard their children and to parent and love them but what about safeguarding your marriage; is that not a gift that you give your children?
Instead I was presented with a fait a complis. My H snorts at my suggestion that this has come out of the blue; he thinks that he gave me thousands of chances; but I am a perceptive person and would have noticed even a few let alone a thousand.
He lied and withheld this information and, of course, the beginning of his R with OW.
When he first said that he was leaving (Jan 2) I asked him whether there was someone else. He of course denied it strenuously. He of course was heavily into EA/PA at the time. the period in Jan when there was sexual contact with me, every second day, and her at the same time was again deceit........having his cake or malicious damage......I still feel so violated where that is concerned. Lies and more lies. I found boxer shorts in Jan, when I asked him he said he had bought them because his other jocks had been put through the wash and had turned pink! Lies again.
I was told that he was going to Co/Kerry to help write some of my PHD thesis for me with space and quiet (my H is a writer/playwright/theatre director). Yes, he did manage to get some work done but was obviously time challenged by the presence of OW on the same trip. Incidentally.during those three days away our daughter was extremely ill with a gastro flu......
When he walked at the end of Jan he basically told me that:
I had no right to know anything about his personal/private life
No right to know who he was seeing in his life
NO right to know where he would be staying
No right to know any of his movements
The only way I could contact him from now on was via his mobile phone.
He then proceeded to lie (and is still perpetuating this but to a lesser extent) that he was living with either one of his two sisters or a mutual friend (female) who works in the office next to him. unbelievably he is still maintaining that he is still only staying (has not admitted to actually living) with OW SOME of the time.
When I was in hospital, literally in agony and on pethadine/morphine and I confronted him about the affair he couldnt bring himself to be honest with me, instead blaming me, yelling at me for being unreasonable and storming out of the hospital room as I lay literally helpless in bed. On the eve of my second op (approx March 15) when my Mum confronted him with the affair the only thing that he could say was ' but I am still married, its not as if I am NOT her H)!!!!!!!!! Lies, lies
The period when I was ill in hospital (about one month) he was carrying on a double life. Staying in our home minding our D, often sleeping here. My Mum who was with me in the hospital from 10-10 every day would return home where he would get her a glass of wine and something to eat; then often leave to go back to OW to sleep with her, thinking everyone would think that he was staying with family. He was visiting me in hospital at first, kissing me on the face, hugging me, holding me, stroking my face, kissing and stroking my hand, kissing my wedding ring, and then leaving and sleeping with OW.
It has only been in the last two weeks that he has fully admitted he is in a new R. Even then he has told lies (it isn't significant, they may not be together in a couple of months then denying that he ever said this, then not outwardly admitting its significant either).
He has lied to our D about where he has been living. He lied to our D about going away Valentines Day weekend, changing his story about his destination three times (geographic amnesia?) and in the end telling her, when he had already been there for a couple of days, that he was in Galway with friends????? Our D7 was crying, she didnt understand. He told her he could be contacted on his mobile.
H has lied about his financial sitch, saying he is F%$£@ed financially yet earns around 1300 euro every 10 days where I have no income until September when I return to my job and am having to pick up bits and pieces of freelance work and rely on my family to survive.
My question is, how can a person whose whole life in the last few months has been based on lies and deceit, function if not in denial.
His current life is based on secrecy, lies, deceit. His relationship with OW has been and to some extent probably still is based on deceit.
At the end of the day, whether WAS or MLC (I suspect both at this stage), surely the only person that he is truly deceiving here is himself.
He has a home here with his child and wife and instead he is deceiving himself that we do not exist and that his new home is with OW.
Do any of you have any insight here?
I x