Thanks! Me too. I talked to her Best Friend (female) the other day; well I don't know how long they will remain that way. My wife of course has shut her out and had not been honest about the OM with her. We both cried and said that this was not the ***** (wifes name) that we both know..
And thats just it... she isnt the same person anymore. Instead of change for the good she has changed for the bad. So what am I gonna do? Change for the good and at that point I may realize that I don't need or want her mess anymore.
I am going to try hard to not initiate contact with her. Limit it to ONLY when I need to deal with something with the kids. No more of this... I miss you ... don't you wanna talk. Makes me wanna hurl... when I think about how I must have looked to her.
No matter what I am gonna be a better father and a better man for all of this.. and some woman... my wife or other down the road is gonna be SOOOOOO lucky that they get a man like me that has truly EVOLVED!!
I do believe this man has learned the secret of DB. Lovingly detach and work on you!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Again. Question is... can I keep all of this in mind everytime I see her and she looks good and I start thinking about the her and OM and what all they have done... damn brain... sometimes don't you wish you could turn it off?
Well regardless I did tell her last week that if we ever get back together she will have to have an HIV test first.. LOL.
She didn't care too much for that... but I damn sure was serious.
I'm willing to bet that you were not her first. Do not even go down the path of thinking about her with him. It will do you no good. What does he do that I don't? What does he have that I don't? You will never be that man. You can't be. You can only be you, but when you are you be the best you you can be. Know what I mean? I am learning that I do not want to be the woman that my husband is with. Hell, to be honest she has been trying to be me for as long as I can remember (think Single White Female). I was the one who forgot who I was. I changed and became the person with low self esteem, clingy, needy, and didn't validate his feelings like I did before. I don't choose to be a thing like her. I choose to be the me I was before I got lost with some added knowledge and life experience. And I will SHINE!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
And yeah SWF was quite scary.. No early on in our dating we did the... how many people have you been with. Keep in mind I was 23 at the time and she was 18. She had to go to 2 hands and I wasn't even through with my first hand. She has used sex to validate what she thinks is love and acceptance for a long time. Much longer than she has known me. I was always afraid of her cheating in any way because I knew how easily in the past... including with me... she was willing to sleep with someone.
Interesting for sure because physical contact is my love language. My husband however is a quality time person. His lack of a sex drive I believe pushed me to a point of lack of respect for him and a feeling of not being loved which flowed over into me not wanting to validate him or spend quality time. Funny thing is, I never left the marriage. I just hoped that it would eventually right itself after I had my brain surgery. That I would get skinny and feel better about myself and my husband would desire me and that in turn would lead to us spending more time together because I would have the energy and so on and so forth. He obviously didn't have the patience. LOL *shrugs* Nothing to be done about the past now though. I live for today and what I can become in my future.
I would definitely get an STD screen prior to having sex with her again. And learn from this. Find the book The Five Love Languages. It's a must read. Figure out what part you played in her straying.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
You know the crazy thing is the day before she left I went back to church for the first time in over a year. While I was at church I later discovered that she called him and talked to him for over an hour from our home phone. In the sunday school class they were on the 3rd from the last week of their study of the 5 love languages. They ended up giving me a copy of it and I am gonna read it.
Just weird how things work out. Well not weird its god talking.. I hear him she is choosing to ignore. I fullly get that b/c for the most part of our marriage thats the part I played.
And on the STD thing do not worry I will. She has had her tubes tied.. and he is an ex bf so I am betting she isn't using protection. Kinda dumb.. but so is walking out on a 10yr marriage before EVER going to MC.
Yeah, I hear you on the weird. I saw an ad for The Five Love Languages online one day while in bed cuddling with my husband. Mentioned that I should order it and he just sort of rolled his eyes. He was already sneaking around with OW by that time. That was the one thing I don't think I ever understood was him walking out without us trying to get help. He said that he gave me chances. I told him that they aren't chances when you don't know you are being tested and they aren't chances when you are wanting the other person to fail because you have already moved on to someone else.
My husband is in a relationship with my ex best friend who happens to be a virgin. How sweet is it that he will be her first? *GAG* (sorry had a poor me moment)
It is what it is. I am powerless to change him. I can only change myself.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
In March of this year we watched FireProof... later that month she bought the book... The Love Dare.. and started doing it... she stopped at day 5 and then within 1 or 2 weeks... started caling the OM and seeing him... ya know I am like... ok you need help... as much or more than me!!
But for now I'll focus on me. We actually scheduled our first MC session for next Monday afternoon. It should be interesting - I know she has 10 years worth of my Sexual Addiction stuff to vent about and get out.. and she needs too... she definitely hasn't until she decided to get all big and bad and actually commit adultery.
She just gave up and then decided to use me and my failures as her escape route as she slept with another man.
You need to own what you have done to cause her to walk away. Her sleeping with another man is her demon to bare, but you need to accept that you have some culpability in her decision to get there. I'm not saying you should blame yourself for her having an affair, because she did not have to do that, but somewhere down the line your ability to communicate broke down. Own your mistakes and change yourself. Right now I see blame from you about her cheating. She blames you for making her cheat. Cheeseless tunnels you are going down.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
