Hi girls !!!!! So for the good news and the almost, gory details...
OK.. we didnt (quite) do it.. I meant what I said (and told him!!) I want it to be special and anyway I was scared.. he said he was too, petrified in fact. He still leapt on me though, lol! I was worried about that.. afterall, he hadnt even kissed my cheek since the day he left me, but everything was fine and worked as expected!! So the passion was there, like we had not been apart. And it was lovely. REALLY lovely.
So, yes, he invited me to his house (thanks K!)..first time EVER since the day he left me!! and yes he cooked me dinner (a curry!thats it, I'm marrying him).. but didnt say anything to me about me and him or him and her and didnt even hold my hand all night. He took me on a pub crawl (oh dear god) to show me the three nice pubs in the village and I met some of the locals and had a lovely evening. We drank too much though and he wanted to drink more, so this worries me, but hey, I'm going to have to live with it for now.
So we got back to his and I said, where am I sleeping? He said, well, you can sleep with me obviously, or I have a spare room and lots of duvets... and then waited for my answer nervously and then hugged me and so I got teary and said, please just make this easy for me, just tell me, this is your house, where do you want me to sleep? He said very sweet and heartfelt, ok, well then I wanted to lie next to you and hold you, I just want us to hug and to lie down together, I wanted you to sleep in my bed.. so I grinned and said, Right! C'mon then, lets go! (hahaha) and shoved him up the stairs.
I decided to be a bit different, (christ dbing is a hard habit to break).. after 9 years together you always take your own clothes off and I nearly did, but then sat down and asked him to take off my necklace.. and he did.. then bent to his shoes... and I said.. arent you going to take anything else off ? And he said, yes my shoes.. and I said gently, no.. I meant on me.. and he was OHHHhh... ! Nice work hey ! Lots of kissing and constant hugs etc.
So.. I couldnt help myself, I kept grabbing him and kissing his face and stuff! I even thought of all you lot this morning, you all popped into my head and I felt so lucky and it felt so extrodinary and overwhelming and I imagined for a moment that you could all get one night only with the person you love and to have felt a bit of that. It really was quite strange.
I had to tear myself away to do college work, and he said he wants to see me later, with G, who is coming over for a drink maybe (oh god, not more alchohol). He said to call him when I am done, or he will call me, or we will call each other.. so I think I am going back over there. So.. the ONLY thing he said was this...
BF: I'm sorry Al Me: you are, what are you sorry for? BF: I've been an idiot Me: An idiot? BF: Yes, I'm an idiot... Me: Ha, an idiot hey, so, thats how you'd sum it up then? BF: Yes, I'm an idiot. And I'm sorry... (hugged me tightly)
and that was it !!!!! Theres going to be alot more than that at some point.
So the bad news is... after 9 months of not thinking about it, nor being too bothered really, putting it out of my mind.. when I was there last night all I could think, going round and round my head was .. HELEN HELEN HELEN HELEN.. not good.
He was excitedly showing me photos on his phone of the volcano he went to last year and scrolling through and as he neared the end of his story, he scrolled to a picture of a girl in a woolly hat grinning.. which I assumed was her (didnt get a good look, but she looked quite plain).. becauase he quickly scrolled past and then put his phone away and seemed very nervous for a minute or so, but I didnt say anything.. but I hadnt thought of her at all until that happened. Then I thought.. so he does have photos of her then and he hasnt got rid of them, so I felt upset (but no upsets or tears really at all last night and not from him).
Secondly, in bed.. it was the duvet set I gave him when he moved out (and was embarressed to ask for, but he needed bedding) and the pillows and the bed frame and so the mattress must be the one he bougyht.. so.. she had been in that exact same bed, under that duvet set with her head on that same pillow and as recently as perhaps a few weeks ago.. so that was hard.
I guessed it would be like that, but I couldnt NOT go upstairs and have that experience with him and I couldnt not lie there, I just had to get past it. But, I had HELEN running around my mind whilst we were enjoying being in bed together and it put me off and I couldnt relax and in the end I had to tell him, I'm sorry, I'm scared and feeling overwhelmed here and he looked really crestfallen, or guilty.. so it kind of didnt go that well, or was not how I had imagined it. But then we led in bed all morning drinking tea and hugging, so it wasnt too bad.
So.. I dont know if we can get past this, or what it would take and it was much harder in reality, having those reminders shoved in my face and I didnt feel ok about it all. Its very early days though, but I am wondering if he thinks it was a bit of a disaster? And I am nervous, because I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. I did say, it was nice to stay and see your house and he said, it was lovely to have you hear and to see you.. but it was all a bit awkward when I was leaving.. so much so, I said, "we are being a bit odd with each other arent we " and he said, yes, yes I'm sorry...
He may not want to see me later, or may, or we may do this for the next 2-3 weeks and then he says, sorry Al, I cant do this anymore....so..ok, I get it.. piecing is hard. Torturous. I feel VERY unsure of myself right now in this sitch.
So give him a different duvet cover and away you go! Yes everyone says piecing is hard because you are still hung up on the whys and the ghosts. Now you have to figure out a way to be rid of the ghosts together. You can do this sweet magical being.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ha.. he is a cheetah now. Well, I guess after 18 months of constant contact nearly, 400 emails between us, all those phonecalls and nights out, especially half a dozen nights out recently before this one, I guess now that he had made some kind of decision, he just went for it?
He was very sweet, very attentive last night, we chatted and laughed until we left at 1.30am (there was a DJ and a lot of rich 30 somethings partying up a storm in the pub when we left, in this beautiful little village by the sea, it was incongruous!). He was very very huggy with me and kissed me alot and looked at me a few times, almost like "aaahhhh"... and brushed my hair off my face. BUT, I was more affectionate with him and got worried I was almost too all over him.
So yes, my head is fried. We need to talk. It was too much too soon really, it quickly escalated and I ended up feeling unsure of myself and of him. This morning was nice, but again I felt unsure of myself and where I stood, so I was pretty quiet. DBing kind of went out the window, I was just this little quiet needy thing!
I love the village he lives in and its a stunning, typical cornish cottage, all flagstone floors and floorboards, exposed brick, wood burner, aga, meadow out the back with lambs in.. the works. He told me his flatmate has bought a house (so he must be moving out I guess).. I started to imagine me and the cat moving in...
Wow Ali, that was some night and some very mixed emotions. Maybe thats why they say to take it slow. I think all the thoughts of Helen are very normal, like you say you haven't given her much headroom up 'til now-all good DBing but when your brought face to face with her existance so to speak pretty hard to ignor. I know you felt
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BUT, I was more affectionate with him and got worried I was almost too all over him.
BUT he did say he wanted you to sleep in his bed.(gosh girl you could have said maybe next time or made a slight effort of needing some woo-ing but you pushed him up the stairs!) I guess thats called seizing the moment. At some point you will need to confront all your fears and the elephant but maybe not now.
Sounds a beautiful cottage, we can all come for our hols when you move in! Can he afford it on his own or will he need a flatmate? So lots to think about but you had your night in his arms, ahhhh sigh. The rest can wait until after college is over.
I imagine you with a big grin on your face,like the cat who got the cream.
Sounds like a night of positives and more tricky moments. I'm so pleased for you and BF- it's really wonderful that you're going to get the chance to work everything out. Keep being patient with things and be forgiving towards yourself- it's completely understandable and only to be expected that you'd have thoughts of Helen in your head under the circumstances. Given time though, and possibly a new bed? that will fade and things will be better than ever.
no no no.. going wrong already !!!! He called sounding down (?) at 5.30 saying he just fancied a film.. not at his, the cinema. After much silences and awkwardness (mainly me) and indecision, he suggested we meet before (not after) and drive there each, so meet there and go to the pics.. I was crushed.. I said, oh, didnt you want to come here first, or do something after then? (as we had sort of said this morning) he said... oh, i'll see, I'm quite tired... so then I didnt know what to say.
All I could think was, whats gone wrong? Has he had a think? Have I blown it? Is it moving too fast for him too? I wasnt intending to see him tommorow or all next week because of college but I was hoping to see him tonight at least, on a Saturday night.
So now I am very very nervous and desperately trying to remember what i am supposed to do in this sitch, not ask questions I guess, act normal, be cool with him dropping me home later and may or may not come in. This is very very very hard. I feel like THIS is my last chance, that chance I have been hoping for for 18 months and I feel this tremendous stress... did I do something wring? was I boring? It WAS a wierd atmosphere at his place this mornning, did he think this is a bad idea.. or am I just panicking????
Ali, calm down and breath! in - out,slow and steady. Wait and see, no assuming, no jumping to conclusions. I understand how hard this is for you, maybe last night was too much too soon and he has realised this, it does not mean anything other than that, a slowing down slightly after the first high of passion. Maybe he felt the ghost of Helen too and now feels abit of a cad, off with the old on with the new, cept you were the old and are now the new.
Maybe let him set the pace and give him time to work things through, you may need to just be the friend you have been to him for a while longer yet.
Slow and steady wins the race. You have a lifetime of passion ahead. We all know the foundations are the most important part of any structure, don't skimp on that bit. God luck and take it steady. Did you ever use your last coaching session?
Yes everyone says piecing is hard because you are still hung up on the whys and the ghosts. Now you have to figure out a way to be rid of the ghosts together. You can do this sweet magical being.