Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

Controlling is an issue that I didn't realize until the bomb was a big issue that I have. I cooperation is 1,000 x better than control.

I do try to give both of my kids an opportunity to make choices. Of course I need to be careful how I phrase to choice to make sure their choice is something that I can live with (big difference from do you want to go to bed now vs do you want to go to bed now or wait 5 minutes).

I know my 7 year old didn't make my wife go with him to the swing/slide, but he did make her want to/feel like she should.

I did manage to keep myself busy/occupied during lunch so I didn't call her.

I know I will see her for brunch on Sunday with the boys.

It just that it's now 4 weeks and the reality of the finality of this is sinking in.....

I know it sux. Thats why were all here. This is the ULTIMATE situation of giving up CONTROL. We are depending on another person to decide our future. That's why everyone says to stop making it about her and make it about being the best version of you you can. Hopefully, it will rub off on her. Just keep on hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

PMA

I can't imagine it being much worse than this. Aside from the "legal" status of the divorce, we are as final in the divorced as possible

I think limbo is worse as its hard for me to put my life on hold while I wait. When I mean on hold, I've turned down job interest that are out of town, new car, etc

I'm still working on me - getting a life, joined a small group at church, going to the gym regular and restarting my hobbies (cars and home improvement/construction)

I'm also focusing on my kids (baseball, soccer, etc)

I'm just trying to figure out how to rebuild the relationship with my wife. From the conversation from the prior week, it sounded like my wife thought we were going to work on it now. I was waiting for her to say she was ready to start work on it. My therapist said that I should make my wife make it really clear that she wanted to work on it

That's why I invited her to dinner with me and the boys at the park before the baseball game Weds and we're having a late mom day brunch on Sun with the boys. I'm going to see if she wants to have a one on one lunch next week.

Very slow going....

I hear ya, but patience is the name of this game. You have made it clear that it's ALL WORTH it to you so you have to play by her rules. It's on her timeline not yours. If I said it would take another year of this would you quit? I didn't think so so just keep on praying/loving/respecting/VALIDATING/supporting/LISTENING/piecing/FORGIVING/LIVING/LEARNING/READING/SEARCHING/reassuring/caring/PATIENCE.... You get the pic ;-)

"Controlling is an issue that I didn't realize until the bomb was a big issue that I have."

Stop beating yourself up about the control thing. ALL WASs say the LBS was "controlling". It's all part of the script. When my own sitch first happened last year, I asked my W if she wanted to go to an exhibit here in town. I told her repeatedly that she didn't have to go, but she said she would and had a great time. Then later that same day, she accused me of "controlling" her and that she had no choice but to go with me. UNREAL!

What you have to realize is that right now SHE is the controller. She's got you jumping through hoops (ipod sitch). I mean, she's a grown woman and yet you still want to be there for her. You can't.

Since your S, all you've been doing is talking about her and how you're going to approach her to go out. The reason you have to detach is that she 'senses' your neediness. Even all your "tactical" talks every day. I mean, what's that about? There are no "tactical" talks. There's just talk. Answer yes or no if you must and that's it. For your own sake you need to do that.

Let me put it this way...when was the last time you were actually YOURSELF when you were around her? You were probably just hanging onto every word she was saying and changing your attitude to fit her mood. There's nothing wrong with that to an extent. But you end up becoming something you're not and letting her control your actions. Which is something she's told you she does not want. She wants YOU to do what you need to do within her boundaries.

There's your 2x4 for the day.

Just hang in there for yourself first. The resentment you felt towards your son is natural. Trust me the anger side is going to be coming up soon.

Just be yourself at the brunch.

One of the things my therapist said that I should do is that the next time my wife winds up on a negative kick (not just about me, but other things), try and switch it to soemthing positive.

For example, last Friday at the baseball game, she was complaining about how her sister was wearing an outfit where her boobs were falling out. Now a positive I would have wanted to say was that she does have nice boobs (which she does), but even I know that would not have been good. What I could have said was how nice it was that she drove out 300 miles to her daughter and our sons could see each other (they hadn't seen each other in months).

I guess that's part of the verbal jujitsu that was discussed here a while ago.

I don't think I'm hanging on every word, but I'm trying to keep myself balanced from being the cold jerk and the needy wimp (going back to the integrated man triangle).

It was interesting how you metnioned about being myself around her. My friends and therapist had asked me about that a few weeks ago. The odd part is that over the past several years, I was so focused on work, that all I know is the work me (serious and focused and right to the point - not very fun). Right now I'm trying to rediscover the me that she had fallen in love with - warm, fun loving, confident, caring and worry-free. That's how I've been trying to be.

I think part of my angst today had been the friend that I had been talking to at work (the WAW) had gotten flowers from her husband yesterday. She said that she liked the flowers but it still didn't change the fact that it's over. It has been almost 6 months since she had moved out. She had wished her husband would find someone else so he would leave her alone.

It was pretty shocking as her complaint was pretty standard WAW (neglected, unimportant, etc). In her case, she had tried to jump up and down and get in his face of the problem. He just laughed at her and said that there was no way she would leave. Boy was he surprised.

In my case, my wife hadn't done that (get in my face) and just held in all in until she couldn't deal with it anymore. I was just as surprised.

Anyway, it was just disturbing how my friend was able to just have no feelings left. I'm just worried that my wife is at the same point.....

Although the big difference, at least up to this point, my wife still tries to spend time with me and the boys. My friend, on the other hand, doesn't want to spend any time with her husband and will not call him. When she does call, it's all business, she never talks about her day nor does she ask about his. And when he talks about his, she hangs up.

My wife on the other hand, talks about her day and will ask about mine.

It's so confusing. I know I should not call, nor will will I call....

Thanks for all the support and help in getting my head back in the game.

"I guess that's part of the verbal jujitsu that was discussed here a while ago."

Correct. Or at the very least when she goes into a negative way of thinking, just let her get it out and don't contribute.

"Right now I'm trying to rediscover the me that she had fallen in love with - warm, fun loving, confident, caring and worry-free. That's how I've been trying to be."

Exactly! Be who YOU want to be. In your earlier posts it was all about how you should act around her. Just be yourself. Or be the person you WANT to be.

Your friend's husband hasn't learned to detach. As you know from DB, that's the first thing you have to do. You can see the result of not doing so from your friend's reaction. If you want to help your friend's H, then tell him to drop the rope.

I guess the person I want to be would be pursuing her more actively (i.e. calling every nite to create the connection) but that flies against Dark/Dim.

Is the balance then to be Dark/Dim when we're not together/talking and the person I want to be when we are together or if she calls?

No the balance is being the person you want to be all the time wo/having to depend on her to define you.

So does that mean if the person I want to be wants to call her to chat, that's ok?