Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Remarriage and OW

At the risk of having my head bitten off, I am going to offer this advice. REMOVE yourself from the situation. If you are contnually sucked into the drama, you are going to suffer more pain and hurt. What I mean by this is quite simple, stop listening to what others say about your EX, remember, if someone brings gossip to you, they will take what you say to others, and turn and twist it. Others also need to undersand that they cannot count on the EX for any type of help with children. MLCers, WAS, etc. are ALWAYS going to put the OP first! It sucks, I know, been the child in it, been through it as the adult, but that is the way it is and its not going to change. Regardless if you are "standing" "moving on" or whatever, all sitting around and wishing for this and that will do is just cause you more and more heartache.

OMG......

Braveheart.....

We finally agree on something!!!!

Hey, remember the 1980 U.S. hockey team beat the Russians, anything is possible! LOL BND, I think you will find that we agree on more things than you realize. My style and methods are different than yours. My opinion has always been you must rebuild YOUR life, not worry about thiers. (EX) In order to do that, you must live with the assumption they will not be back. How do you move ahead otherwise? If at somepoint they want to re-enter your life, its your choice to allow them to do that. If not, you have still moved ahead and you are better for it.

[quote=brandnewday]

u are right, i am pathetic...i am not getting better am i.
why do u suppose i am this way? its like if he was to call me and want to talk, which he never has, but if he did, i would feel like i was getting control.
does this make sense?
does this mean i have to be in control?

I didn't say you were pathetic....

I said you acted like an addict.

This is called co-dependency.

IF you were to go back and really read all of your old threads you will see that this was pointed out to you a while ago.

I guarantee that even if your Ex Husband called you tomorrow and you actually had a decent conversation you would not be satisfied. You would want more.

Please Renee, stop.

Can you try to pretend he is dead. Or that he is overseas and there is no way to contact him.

All of this is a process, and it takes time to heal.

But you have many people giving you advice and you choose to ignore it.

Accept the fact that he is now your EX.

Accept the fact that he has moved on with his life.

Accept the fact that this Man is no longer the Man you knew.

Accept the fact that he has another Woman in his life now.

Tell the gossipmongers to go F*** themselves and leave you alone.

Make goals for yourself.

Maybe join the Y and get some excercise or take a class.

Do some gardening.

Repaint the walls in colors you like.

Pack up the old photos and memories.

You are too young to sit around and waste your life feeling sorry for yourself.

You are too old to be acting like a loopy teenager who has had her heart broken.

bnd,,,,please understand that i am not ignoring everyones advice. i am trying real hard to get him out of my head.
i wish so hard that i didnt think about him.
i get so mad that he has someone.
i do think of him as being dead and i try and think what would i do different. it works for awhile until i see a happy couple and then i get mad at him again.
i want to stop caring about him.
how long does it take to move on and stop thinking of him?
after everything he has done to me why do i still love him?
can someone answer this??????????
bnd, i do do things, but the thoughts keep racing thru my mind.
i have hobbies and friends but i still miss him.

Ditto sunshine, ditto
I know exactly how you feel......
wish that I didn't still love him, especially in that he ignores me and is in a new R.
But love doesn't die when its true, surely.....well, it was true from my end.
We have to remember how special we are as women.
Stay strong; hold the faith..........

Renee, again at the risk of you going off I am going to tell you a few things. I understand how you feel about being angry that he has someone, its not fair that you have taken the brunt of this and he has someone he is "crazy" about. Life isn't fair, sorry to say, I wish it was. I also don't believe in karma, many here do and that;s fine, but in my life I haven't seen it. I don't know how long it takes for you to get past this, I guess its up to the individual. I do know that you engage in things that aren't helping your situation such as looking on that facebook and listening to others who run and tell you things. All that stuff does is make you think about what was and what if. In order to move past this, you must really work at it. I am sure that you wish you didn't think of it and you wish a lot of things, but I really think you need to set yourself up a plan to follow and try to stck with it.

Sun

Again...I ask, have you contacted Resources for Living yet? They are there for you, and will listen to what you are going through, and will try to help you come up with solutions that will help you emotionally.

As far as how long does it take to stop hurting, to stop being angry, to stop thinking of and loving him? Some will say months...I say count it in years.

You have a very long journey of healing ahead of you. It will not happen over night..it will not happen this year..it will happen slowly over the course of several years. Some things will fall into place faster than others. But if you're looking to stop feeling love for him so you don't hurt anymore in a short amt. of time...forget it! As someone said...true love and even codependent love doesn't just die overnight.

So quit whining about how come you can't just bury these feelings that you have. You will have them for a very long time. What you CAN work on is getting control over them instead of them having control over you. Are you willing to do this, or do you want to continue on the way that you have? It's your choice whether you want to live your life like this, or actually grow from this experience.

My xh 'changed' over 10 years ago. Got the bomb 10 years ago. He moved out in 04, filed in early 05, and the divorce was in late 06..two months shy of our 30th anniversary. Do you honestly think that I still don't hurt, or feel angry or feel lonely or miss his voice, touch, etc. That I don't miss sharing with him what we shared for over 30 years????????

It is only now...after so many years...that he's willing to reconnect to our two sons..and even at that, I think the boys are putting more effort forward than h does. It is still about HIM, and the things he wants from life. He's had/has other women, he's spent big bugs on things he's always wanted, he runs around with a younger crowd, he's gone backwards instead of forward in maturity. I lost my marriage, my home, my intact family. But I've also gained some insight into myself and the strength and faith I have. I've learned that I am someone that deserves respect when I earn it, that I have worth, that I have something to offer and always did.

I haven't spoken to my xh in 3 years..but I still feel a bond with him. We live in the same little town, and yes there was, is and always will be talk as long as he lives the way he does. I do not join in on this talk, I do not badmouth him to anyone, but I also know that in the beginning he said very negative things about me/marriage. Whatever.

You have to get to this point. You have to try to remember that this is YOUR life. You have to gain strength and move on. And if you don't, you'll be here forever posting and throwing a pity party for yourself.

And none of us here want to see that happen to you..because we know you can do better than that...and deep down, I think you know it too.

Now, get on that phone and call Resources. Do it for you, do it for your family, and do it for your future.

Very well said Creed.