Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

If that's what you want sure, but it will get YOU nowhere because you are looking to her for YOUR happiness.

OK - now I'm back to confused.

So the person I want to be would go after who I want (not who I need, but who I want). I would do that by showing her that I care and am interested. I do that not because I need her to be happy, but it's just someone I want.

But that's against the DB/DR Dark/Dim.

So what do I do?!?!

Lost and confused....

I think you may be over thinking this. Right now she doesn't want you, would you go after someone who doesn't want you if you hadn't been married to that person?

The thing with with DB is also to be happy with yourself wo/having to rely on anyone else. That's where you need to be. Trust me I've been where you are my W is going to file after two years of S if I hadn't worked on me I'd be a wreck right now. While I'm not happy about it I know everything is going to be fine because I'm fine with myself.

Also at some point the Dim/Dark, you actually need to be that way because you ARE busy not just acting.

CIPA, When you are around her be the best CIPA for yourself. When you are apart DB - GAL, be mysterious and take care of yourself.
Right now you are DBing if things turn the corner you will change your approach.

VD is telling you to self-validate, be your own man, make yourself happy, and that you are complete person on your own.

"I guess the person I want to be would be pursuing her more actively (i.e. calling every nite to create the connection) but that flies against Dark/Dim."

NO! This is not WHO you want to be. This is just what you want to do. Who do you want to be as a human being? For example, do you want to be confident? Do you want to be a great dad? Do you want to be an athletic person? Who do you want to be?

You see how you've totally wrapped your life around hers? You can't even answer a simple question of who you want to be and what you want without it being geared towards the R.

If you weren't married, what kind of person would you want to be? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Because only until you figure out what YOU want in life that you can truly take care of yourself and GAL. Then you would have detached from your W and you'll be able to attract her.

Learn to be Interdependent, NOT codependent

Well I'm sure I "broke" all the rules to DB/DR Dark/Dim tonite, but she called tonite about her Ipod. I walked her through it, but one thing that was on my mind was that I had gotten a notice to appear for child support when I got home. I asked her if she was uncomfortable with what we had agreed to. She said she was still ok with it. When I told her about the child support notification, she was surprised.

I told her that I was going to contact a lawyer to see if we can just get what we agreed to submitted so we don't have to incur the expense of both of us getting lawyers to go down.

We wound up getting into a relationship talk when she started to talk about how today was the first time in the 4 weeks that she's moved out where she had time to just relax and think. She said she almost called me and the boys as she was torn between being with us tonite vs alone (I think it was her way of saying she missed us). I told her that she could have if she wanted to (probably should have left her wondering). I think this explains why tonite she called to say goodnite to the boys (first time since she moved out).

She then said something about just wanting to be able to move on. I asked her what she meant by that. She said that she was still trying to find time to go to a therapist to work through her own issues (she said that she can't get past the hurt that she still feels when she sees me) so that we can go to counseling again. So I figured what she meant was about moving on past the hurt. She was crying at that point. She said that she still hasn't changed her mind as right now she trust me with the boys and everything like that, but can't get past the hurt to trust me with her heart again. So until she can get past that, she can't see working on that type of relationship. I told her that if there was anything that I could do to help, let me know.

I told her that it will take time to rebuild trust and during that time I am going to continue to work on me as I need to for the boys as well as myself. I reminded her that I have already appologized for the things I've said/done or didn't say/do that hurt her and hope she knows that was the past. I hadn't realized what I did made her feel that way as she didn't communicate it.

So now when I'm trying to give her time/space and it confuses her (makes her think that I've changed my mind), I'm glad that she is communicating how she feels about it. As she can see, I do listen and respond. In the past she hadn't communicated clearly as she was afraid, but she should see now that communicating it clearly isn't something to be afraid of.

So, if the changes I am making winds up keeping us together as husband and wife, so be it. Either way, the changes I am making will be permanant.

I did wind up talking about how we really haven't gotten to spend much time together without being distracted by the boys. So I asked if she would like to go out to lunch together, to let me know. I told her that I could do it Tues, Weds or Thurs. She said that she would let me know.

We wound up saying goodnite at that point as we talked for almost 45 minutes.

OK - so let the 2x4's come out.....

I think she said it best...

"She said that she was still trying to find time to go to a therapist to work through her own issues (she said that she can't get past the hurt that she still feels when she sees me) so that we can go to counseling again."

How is she supposed to find time when you don't give her space? She's using you as an excuse since it's been almost four weeks and she hasn't even started dealing with any issues yet.

I wouldn't go out to lunch with her, but your call. Right now you're stuck because you won't let go to see that all of this is about her. You see how she keeps bringing up the "hurt". She's still blaming you, YET she calls and hangs around you all the time. You either need to call her on that or just cut yourself off from her.

I'm not sure if she's using me specifically as the excuse. She said that Friday was the first day since she moved out where she wasn't completely consumed with work or getting her apt in order/unpacked. I think that's why she wound up calling to say goodnite to the kids (first time since she moved out). I think it was hitting her like it has hit me at times.

The "excuse" she gave for not seeing a consuler on her own yet seemed to more of just finding the time as the last 4 weeks have been so hectic. It sounded like yesterday she gave some hint to ownership of trying to let go of the hurt from the past. She said that she doesn't know how not to relive/feel the hurt from the past whenever she sees me and knows she needs help to be able to move past that.

I've been giving her space by not calling or initiating contact. When she asks about attending things together (i.e. kid's sport events), I do agree as she would be there anyway. I now understand that is the time to be the best CIPA I can be. When she calls, I try to be the best CIPA I can be but end the call very quickly. I didn't do that last nite (45 minute call) as she was crying and very emotional. That's where I try to be compassionate. Even then, I do try to end the call first.

She had sent me a few text this morning - mostly tactical (i.e. does my 3 year still have a bike helmet that fits him, did a refund check come in yet and did I know what the summer camp cost was for my 7 year old). I hadn't answered yet. Figured I would wait for her to call tonite (if she doesn't, it will not be a big deal to me).

One other thing that was brought up in our conversation last nite was about how she was hurt that I had neglected her. She didn't come out and say it out right, but it came up about how my 7 year old mentioned one of his friends had a girlfriend and they kissed. I said I had a girlfriend in 1st grade, which is the first time I kissed a girl as well. I told her it lasted about a week. She joked, did I neglect her as well. I told her no, we just got bored as in 1st grade, we didn't "know" what to do beyond kissing.

Anyway, this is really a road that I don't know how to handle. I'm trying to feel my way in this darkness and appreciate all the help/guidance I get from here.

Thanks.

The boys and I had a late Mother's day brunch (we couldn't get reservations last week). I had the boys each pick out a flower to give her when we met up at the resturant. She seemed surprised and liked it.

The brunch went pretty well until my youngest asked my wife why she took so much stuff from our home. ACK! My wife said that we still had way more stuff at home than what she took. I tried to explain to her that my 3 year old was looking for the wooden dump truck that he and I built and I had told him it was at mommy's place. I then asked if he could bring the firetruck back so we could build it next weekend. She said that she had bought it and wanted to build it with him. I just shrugged and said ok.

On the way out, she said that she had to stop to go to the bathroom. I just said "You do?" - her apt was only 2 minutes from the resturant. She said never mind then. I said that she should go if she had to. She said she would wait. She seemed upset.

That was pretty much at the very end of brunch. Not the way I wanted to end it.

I was a little sad saying goodbye to the boys. They were both extremely huggy and clingy as I put them in her SUV. My wife didn't say much, just waved goodbye as she drove off.

I almost called a few times to ask if she was OK, but figured that was not the right thing to do. I will still call tonite to say goodnite to the boys and leave it at that.

I went to church after brunch and did the yard work and cleaned the house some. So goes the 4 week anniversary of her moving out......

I'm very down today. I was suppose to go grab beer and wings with one of my friends but he didn't call, nor did I try to call him. I'm really not in the mood....