Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

Happy Mother's Day PM! Hope you're having a good one!!! Karen

So, thanks everyone for your good thoughts, especially for Mother's Day. I know it is hard on all of us on the 'big days'. I actually had a pretty good one, considering the tornadoes this past year.

The kids were so cute, they made fruit salad for me and made me coffee. They gave me presents (which they snuck out to get with their Dad the day before). One was a coffee mug and another was a digital photo key chain. Very nice. The kids are so wonderful. I was surprised that H went out of his way to do this with them since he has NEVER done this before! I don't know but I think DB might be working!

On Sunday night, after we put the kids to sleep. He stayed over a little longer and we just chatted about stuff, his family, his mother, basically his news. (Again, much like how it was when we were still together). He didn't sit down but I sat on the couch, in my pj's and I made sure my body language was relaxed and I had a smile on my face the whole time. We didn't talk about anything serious but I remember JCJ saying that sometimes we can talk about non-serious stuff and maybe one day he would feel comfortable enough with R talk.

I just wanted more experiences where he felt comfortable talking with me. That, as Kev said, he didn't feel guilty and we could just get on.

It's ironic but ever since our Counselling session where he basically said that he wants to remain separated eventually leading to D and I did NOT react to it. It's like a huge burden has been lifted from his shoulders, I imagine. He seems a bit more relaxed. I guess it's a feeling of, I did it, I told her I don't want to be with PM anymore. But in reaction to that, he is feeling LESS aloof!! In fact, it's like he is reaching out to me MORE. It's very very minor, just a vibe I am getting. No definite proof yet. I will continue to monitor and not pressure.

I can relate to the feeling you're getting from your H now PM. I remember when my W finally made up her mind that she wanted to leave me we sat and had the most relaxed conversation we'd had in months. She told me herself it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Since then, she seems to be getting gradually more relaxed around me. I'm not sure if this is because she's detaching more or whether my DBing is working. I do believe however that it's a necessary step on the path to reconcilliation. Regardless of the reasons, we need to feel relaxed in the company of our spouses if we're ever to salvage any kind of lasting relationship with them.

It sounds to me as though you're doing everything right though. Right now you're back to playing the waiting game. For a long time now it seems as though you've been trapped in limbo but now I see some real positive steps forward. Embrace these steps and feed from the feelings they give you. I don't recommend getting your hopes up too much but be thankful for these small changes. The fact that your H took your kids out to get mother's day presents is a great thing.

Keep up the good work PM and keep smiling.

Kev X

Hi PM

I think the biggest illusion I had about my relationship when my h left was that we were going to go from zero to 10 all at once. It is like people in RL think that if he isn't talking about the relationship or professing un-dying love then you should not even entertain him. It just doesn't work that way, after so much distance between you how can you expect to just reconnect? It is back to basics, there are steps a long the way - sometimes those steps are different to what we think they will be. The more positive experiences/ interactions you can build up the better. He will start to enjoy spending time with you, and you can work from there. You can connect and make progress in other ways than r talks. R talks put pressure on WAS's.

I have found that once things are out in the open, so to speak, our spouses are more comfortable. They are not hiding a secret from you so can interact more freely and they no longer have to be scared of your reaction when you find out. As my DB coach said after me finding out about my h moving in with ow, 'you had the chance to react and you passed it up' therefore they don't have to fear you anymore.

Hey Kev and JCL,

Thank you very very much for your posts. For the past week, I have kept your wise words in my head and is trying to live by them.

Kev, thanks for saying that the dumping of me is a necessary step towards recon. I am not getting my hopes up, I am just sensing what the vibe is now and it is definitely more friendly. He used to talk to me only in business tones. Now it is much softer and kinder. A big difference. He is also signing his e-mails too. Small change but I noticed it.

JCJ, my C said that same thing you did. That we shouldn't talk too much about the past but build up new memories to push the past away from their visions of us. If he is feeling more comfortable towards me then we can actually talk about more substantive stuff, not necessary R talk but emotion-related, like family and how we feel about non-threatening subjects. If he can share emotionally with me, then maybe he will remember how close we used to be, and how nice it was to talk with me.

What the DB coach said to you was true, I have been trying to show him that he doesn't have to fear my reactions anymore. I will not get mad at him through my actions, I will control my actions.

I have not talked with my MIL for a few months now but we reconnected last weekend for Mother's Day. We started talking about H and me and I tried to tell her about the C session. She couldn't believe that H would never introduce kids to her. Her words were, 'How is that ever going to work? She will NEVER meet the children? Is he going to separate the different parts of his life?' That's exactly how I thought. I think that she assumes that he has made the 'final decision' and is trying to get on with his life the best way he can. But we DB'ers know that WAS (especially MLC ones) are not thinking straight. She doesn't know this so she is incredulous. She was also trying to tell me that my H will not get an oppty to be with kids if I move. I know that. But I also told her, that is his choice ultimately because I would like to stay together as a family. If we can't then I will move home to MY family. She conceded that it would be less stressful for me if we moved back to be with my family. But she is worried that her son will not get to know our children and vice versa. I kept trying to tell her that it was his choice but it wasn't going in since she is insistent that her son has left for good and ultimately my choice.

We talked about how unhappy my H was. She agreed. We talked about how his relationship with OW cannot be very fulfilling for OW because my H doesn't have much to give. We also talked about how stunted their R must be since there is no way their R can expand if he keeps her in a box, not allowing her to share in his life. We both agreed, how is this going to work. Then I said, 'That's why affairs don't last.' I think she kind of hope something works out for her son so that he can be happy. But she commented that he has lost his way and doesn't know how to be happy anymore. I told her it's ironic how I am the one who had been cheated on and I am leading a happy life.

It's very very strange. I am going on yet another interview this week for an additional freelance job. I don't know if I will take it, I will meet the people and see. But in addition to my various jobs and new book deal, it's really a good year for me work-wise. I don't make a whole lot of money but I am getting tons of experience, meeting new people and all this work and achievement is giving my self-esteem a TREMENDOUS boost. And I did this all myself!

Mark, if you are out there, pursue those parttime jobs, they are opportunities!

Wise words PM

I find it hard to talk to my MIL sometimes. I know that in an ideal world she would love for us to get back together but like yours I don't think she believes that will ever happen now. It's up to us on our own to keep the hope alive I'm afraid. Not even my own family believe my W and I will ever get back together. I think my sister is coming around to my way of thinking a bit more. I've told her that I'm going to keep trying to rekindle my M because I'm not ready to move on yet but have accepted that if it never works out again that I'm still going to be ok. She can see the sense in that and agrees with me that it's a sensible course of action. It all helps I suppose.

Anyway, congratulations on all the work opportunities you've managed to find yourself this past year. Do I read correctly that you've actually managed to land yourself a book deal? If so, I'm completely envious. Mind you, I'd really need to come up with an idea for a book before I could approach a publisher. I'll get there eventually I suppose. The weather's so wonderful here at the moment though that I'm finding it a struggle to sit in the house at nights. I'm out running and cycling as much as I possibly can. I think I'm feeling the fittest I've been in my whole life and it's fantastic.

I agree with you on how your H's new R will never work out if he doesn't include OW in his life. Do you think it's something he hadn't really thought through and said to the counsellor on the spur of the moment? Surely even someone who isn't thinking straight could see that it would never work like that? Maybe he was just getting on the defensive in case you found yourself another man. I know for myself that's one of my biggest fears right now. Since I have Wee Man less than my W, if she got herself another man he'd effectively see Wee Man more than me and that would be unbearable. I know that it's a realistic possibility though. I think if I was with someone else and I told my W that I wasn't going to introduce her to Wee Man, I would almost expect her to do the same. At least in the short term. It strikes me that this is the strategy your H may be going for. Again though, I could be completely wrong. That's purely based on my own fear of some other guy having a bigger part in my son's life than I do. It's terrifying.

Aside from all that, you're still doing great PM. Keep on fighting the good fight.

Kev

Kev,
I have been thinking a lot about the comments especially what I think H would think about me and other men and dating and the kids. I know it MUST bother him but I would think it was a given considering he is going outside of the M, behind my back. I don't know, I guess WAS really are in a fog. I think I have been thinking too hard on what he thinks and not think. I am getting tired of guessing what he is thinking so trying to concentrate on what I am doing and what I have to do to move forward.

My BFF thinks that at some point he will realize the folly of what he is doing but maybe it will be too late. I think so too,I think he is going to stay in the fog until after we have left him all by himself. When he feels the void, a loss, then he will rethink what he has done. But that time maybe too late for us. I am not saying that I will close the door for sure when I leave but that in order to leave it has to take a lot and it is definitely a significant milestone for me.

So it's a catch-22, isn't it. He probably won't reconsider until we have left. But I probably won't turn back after I leave here. Is that where we are heading?

Hi PM,

Its great to hear you are doing so well, you really are a pillar of strength and a great source of inspiration.

On reading your last few posts clearly there is progress there. I was interested to read your comments on dating which is a very difficult subject and very emotive. I remember my wife in the early days after the bomb saying it was alright to date which really hurt, and I thought at the time is this because you are??

As you know I am looking at trying to up the ante in regard to my R with my wife and dropping the rope. It is only 5 weeks granted, but there is no wavering at all in regard to her emotions. She is very matter of fact, we are civil but we are like business colleagues discussing a deal, no R talk just stuff pertaining to the children.

The reason I mention this is gucciloafer extols the virtues of playing the jealousy card. I am going to implement this but not until I get back into the house in June when my W moves out. This gives me more time doing what I am doing now and also calm the waters more.

Is this something you would consider? I would do it without dating as I do not want to lead another woman on just to use her as a tool to get to my W? Gucci has seen alot of success with this but I guess it depends on whether you are all done or not.

This is something I have not mentioned befor in any posts to date, but just to say I was married before in 1988. It only lasted for a year in which time my W had an affair with a policeman where she worked. She divorced me and married the policeman and they now have a 12 year old daughter.

She left me for the same reasons my W left me this time. I am so mad at myself for allowing history to repeat itself. It was 20 years ago but I must have shown the same personality traits I had before my present changes. I wish this site had been around then as I would not be here now.

PM, my point being here is that my first wife clearly had decided she wanted out, no counselling, no wavering, nothing. Unfortunately, no different to my present situation which is now frightening me to death because of what happened before. All I am saying is, my first wife never regretted what she did and if she was in a fog it must have cleared pretty quickly for her to have moved on as fast as she did then. I hope for my sake this does not turn out like last time, but I think we have to be prepared that our WAS's have already forged a future without us.

No luck on the part time work yet, but I am still trying.

Mark x

Mark,

I am sorry to hear more of your story.

Mark, I see that you are racing. You are racing so fast, you cannot see the road ahead of you. You would like everything to happen yesterday but you tell me that your first W left you for the same reason that your current W's. So that begs the question, don't you think that there is room for improvement in yourself?

That was the FIRST question I asked myself. Of course, I desperately wanted my H back but you know what, the R would be the same because neither of us would be different or do things differently. Now, I know it is awfully tempting to listen to posters and try the techniques they are posting because you want her back.

All I can say is slow down. slow down. Learn about yourself. Be the best man you can be, only then do you have something different to offer to your M. Because if you don't change for the better, the same patterns will appear and you will be in the same place a year or two down the road. No use getting her back now if you don't see, can't see, won't confront your own problems and issues!

Don't look at this as a crisis. It's an opportunity for you to improve yourself, change your life. You've taken the first step, you are becoming an engaged parent. Now, look around you, I am sure we, none of us here is perfect, there is no such thing. What else can you do to improve your life, yourself?

I am not saying that jealousy won't work. All I am saying is, you are skipping steps to go to the final goal.

But each step is important.

KNOW what you are doing. Be MINDFUL. Think. If I get her back but neither of us has changed, we would be in the same boat as before. It's madness to expect different results when you are doing exactly the same things.

So change for the better. Continue to improve yourself for YOU, not to IMPRESS her. Why do you have such low opinion of yourself? Why is her opinion of you the ultimate? Everyone needs external validation AND internal validation. But you place all your self-esteem in HER hands, that's madness. It's too much pressure for her and it's NOT healthy for you.

Take back your SELF. Impress yourself.

What impresses you, Mark, in a fellow human being? Think it, write it down and set THAT as a goal. It shouldn't just be 'How do I get my W back?'

E.g. I want to be a great mom, I want to have worthwhile work/career even if it doesn't make me rich. I want to help my fellow human beings in some way and contribute to society. I want to have CLOSE relationships throughout my life with my friends and family. I want to teach peace, compassion and integrity. I want to live a happy life.

What are your goals? I'd like to hear them.

H called. Can't come over tomorrow because of too much work. Yeah right and I guess he is working all night as well.Hmm. Why does he think I believe him anyway?

Doesn't matter, I am detaching. I don't even feel hurt for me or hurt for the kids. Finally detaching from his actions.

Am actually glad don't have to see him tomorrow so I can just have a nice day with kids and having friends over for dinner. Perfect.